So something completely screwed up is happening to me.

I recently found out that I am completely and irrevocably sterile from some lab work (not requested by me for that purpose, but revealed it as a side-issue to the actual reasons). Which, at first, was perfectly fine by me. I could literally have cared less. I never, ever wanted kids (especially not of my own, for obvious reasons as well as many, many, may very good and lengthy other ones). And that's been the way its been my entire life. Never, ever, ever thought about actually wanting them or otherwise. At any age.

However, since finding this out... I have been absolutely plagued by dreams and even waking thoughts of being a parent. It kind of even hurts somehow knowing that will not be happening (not even through adoption, as I'm also Asexual and obviously, they're biased against Trans fathers and moms anyway, let alone single ones). And it is really eating away at me at the present time.

It is completely backwards-assed and thoroughly perplexing.

Anyone have any insight? Is this just the normal process of the thing or what?

I mean, truly... this is really throwing me. I don't understand this at all.

The only thing I can guess MIGHT be a factor is the fact that I am the very last of BOTH of my family's male lines. They end with me. So I suppose this could be some residual rubbish about losing 'immortality' or something... guilt about 'killing' my both of my family's male lines?

Seriously, I couldn't even afford to support a kid right now. But nevertheless... this is so infuriating. It is beyond "below the belt" that this is happening, all factors considered.

Adoption is not completely out of the question, if that turned out to be something you really wanted to do. It might be harder, but if you're motivated that wouldn't matter in the long run.

Meanwhile, I'd say just let yourself feel it all, and see where it goes .

Ok, it sounds like you really don't want kids. These desires may just be like what little kids go through with toys. They leave them in the toy bin for months, but once someone else is playing with it, they suddenly want to use it again.

If you find that you truly want kids, I would say that you should wait until you could actually afford one, then adopt. I'm sure that an agency would be willing to allow you to give a child a home as long as you are a good person. It's their job.

Yeah but that's just the thing. What if I've been unwittingly lying to myself that I don't all of this time?

Guess it doesn't truly matter, given the circumstances. But this is kind of like another identity crisis in a way.

I consider myself one of the most responsible people there could be. I thoroughly annoy everyone else because of that. I never permit myself to have 'fun'. Even if I partake of drink, that's still there and I DON'T give in to the muse to do stupid things. I don't do a damn thing without thinking it through from each and every single conceivable angle and such like that. And I'm great with my cousin's son... been told I just 'get' kids from others (particularly my mom... and damn, I haven't told her I'm sterile yet and there's going to be no grandkids. Not looking forward to that). So maybe I would be really good at being a parent for that reason, and having had two parents myself that really didn't have a clue I know what NOT to do as a result. But maybe that's a part of why I think I don't want any myself... they were younger than I am now when they got strapped with me.

I just don't know where this is coming from and that is what bothers me, if I'm being perfectly honest here. It really does. I should, but I just can't see/find it.

Well, thanks. Guess its just one of those things you really need to work out for yourself.

And I'm in full agreement. That would be totally irresponsible and unfair to the kid to have one without being financially liable and capable. But there again, I don't think I'd get an adopted kid. Cleaner record than an actual celibate 'preachers' sheets or not (not even a traffic citation or late check, missed day of work - when I can find some mind). Kind of sucks in general that's the way it mostly is for us, but I know even if I did decide one day I'd like to be a parent, that whole life-long single and Asexual thing would kill any chance on top of this Trans thing. Or seems it would turn out that way.

But I suppose another reason why I shouldn't be a father is because I wouldn't know how to be one to a little girl... that would scare the hell out of me if that's how it worked out (or is that how all fathers feel about their little girls?). If I did adopt, or was able at all. Don't know why I feel that way either.

Just all around don't know. Totally turned around. Hate that feeling. 

Sorry to hear about the stress this is causing you. It is very normal to have feelings of loss or uncertainty about previous decisions once you find out that you can't do something. To be completely honest, this is sad but many people DO have terrible relationships with their parents all their lives, hate them, refuse to talk to them, and then once their parent dies their feelings change 100% and suddenly they romanticize how things 'could have been' even if they were talking just a month ago about how they wished they had a life insurance policy coming their way...

Unfortunately it is human nature to have these suddenly changing feelings. What is important to remember is that you did NOT want kids. You didn't, never did, and wouldn't have minded being sterile. Until you were, and then romanticized images of possible parenthood came into your mind. Not because you want to be a parent, but because fantasy is ALWAYS better than reality, and once you know that something is impossible it becomes the ultimate fantasty because reality cannot get in the way of it.


As for being asexual, being married is nothing but a piece of paper in some respects. There are many people who get married for tax breaks and insurance purposes, and a LOT of guys in the military who get married because they want the higher pay and free housing they can get. If you had a best friend who was also asexual, marriage would benefit both of you and harm neither of you as long as you signed prenuptial papers and spoke with lawyers to make sure your assets are safe. It's not something anyone has to do, but if you want children that badly down the road I am certain you could find someone whom you would be okay being best friends with. Asexuality means you don't want sex or relationships with people, but it doesn't make roommates unbearable and a best friend impossible so that is another thing to think about.

Remember, the adoption people aren't going to decline you if you don't seem randy enough, only if you don't seem like a freaky super-parent from some sitcom, and best friends are better at getting along cheesily well than REAL husbands and wives are.

For what it's worth, I think what gender you are and what gender your child is, doesn't have anywhere near as much significance as whether you're capable of making them feel loved. If you've got that covered, everything else works well enough.

I kind of have a vague concept of what to say in my head but I'm not sure how to explain it properly.  I want to say it's like regret, but in the future instead of the past but that doesn't make sense at all really.  Basically, when we know that we want something, or don't want in this case, but know that the possibility that we could have it in the future if we changed our minds it's all alright.  A bit like knowing that we've still got our options open and it doesn't matter if we change our plans.  But now that you know you're sterile you're worried that if you do one day really want kids it's not possible, at least biologically anyway.  And now that you know you can't it's sort of a "what if" situation and what was previously not a problem because that possibility of having kids was always there, even if it wasn't conscious, now becomes a problem because it's certain.

Except that it's not certain because there is still a chance that you could adopt.  Maybe not as easily as a heterosexual, married, cis couple could, but there's still a chance that you can.  Heck a few years ago it would be pretty much unheard of for a gay person to be able to adopt, and now it's still tricky, but there are plenty of people out there who have managed it.  By the time that you're in a situation where you're totally comfortable financially and certain that you did want a child - if you ever do - things might have changed again and gotten a lot easier for a single trans person to adopt.  There's also the possibility of some type of surrogacy, but I don't know whether that's something that is regulated the same as adoption, I've never looked into it (I'm way too young for kids, although it doesn't really seem like it these days...)

As for the worry about bringing up a girl, I'm pretty panicked about if I ever did have kids and it was a girl.  Partly because I would really like to see a boy growing up and all the things I would have done/wanted to do as I can only remember about 5-10% of my childhood, which was pretty weird as childhood's go tbh, but also because I don't think I would relate to a little girl growing up.  I know there's every chance of them wanting to do "boy" things and that's perfectly fine by me (despite all the worry I'd have that maybe they were trans and have to work through this mess too) but if they wanted to do pink girly things then I'd be completely lost.  But I suppose that's every parents reaction to a first child in some ways, all they want is to do the best and get anxious when they worry that they won't be able to.

Thank you, everyone. I think its passed now and all of those points do make perfect sense to me. Really helped.

for the girl part, I know a transguy who have 2 sons, he also said his blessed it wasnt girls.
Honestly its not a big deal for me, maybe its cause im not so super macho, or because of my way of thinking about it or childhood I dont know?.
I think a girl would get the life I never got, way better so I wouldnt find it strange for her to grow up, as a kid I was rather no gender, I dont remember whatever I was identifying male or female, I know I had signs for both, and I was considered as a tomboy, but I first knew I was trans when I was in my teens, I wont say I had a bad childhood I just saying I didnt get it myself and nobody got it, I belive if I got a girl and she where cis she would not have these problem and even if she was trans I would get it and I would be happy on that way. its a good thing being happy for other like that I think.

beside all this comparing thought, then I belive even if you dont understand you can still love, and when you live with someone everyday your learn to get things.
I dont understand my mother, but since I have lived with her from I was born I learned to understand her anyway, maybe not 100% but I dont think any parrents or kid are able to do so.
think of homer simpsons and lisa, dosent understand each other at all but still love each other.
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I do know what you mean, I somehow feel the same way, I didnt really feel like having kids and I want to get hysterectomy so badly and be 100% castrated. one guy I know is about to get pregnant again, and I had this thought how unfair it is, I am not even 20 and if I should have kids it should be NOW or NEVER, and no, I cant really adopt, at least not if I want to get my gender marked changes unless I move. its very complicated and I dont know any transguys who got kids that way even when I know a couple who talked about it.

usunally I speak about that kids being annoying, being honest I dont know if I would want kids, its alittle like marrige,
I usunally I told people I didnt want to get marrige but as we got gaymarrige I thought.." wow.. now I can get marrige do I still not want it?" out of sudden it wasnt just. "you can never get marrige unless your bla bla bla" out of sudden it was posible to get marrige no matter to which gender or what gendermarked I got which sorta made me think.

I guess I also been growing up thinking I didnt want kids like I am not all that crazy for kids but when I was younger I could see myself being a dad. the problem was if I mention it everyone would say "oh I also want to be a mommy" or "yeah it could be so nice to be a wife" I would be horrible reminded that it wasnt posible unless I did it that way as I didn't. I didnt want it that way, and when my own way isnt an option its better to say I dont want it at all and when you think so for a long time that "its not an option why bother" then out of sudden you get to a point where you get used to it, and when it start to hit you you think about it again if thats really how things are or if you just said so to make a easy answer? at least thats how I feel.

maybe your in somehow the same situation.
as mention I am not all that crazy for kids or marrige, But regular people get to consider it alittler more, being gay or trans, its not that easy, I bet in a way we get used to not really thinking about it in the same ways. Alot of cisgenders can just say they might want kids, for transpeople its often either you want them or you dont, because its pretty complicate to get them so you need to consider it way more.