Apologies upfront if I'm posting in the wrong place or I anything I say sounds/comes across as offensive - just very confused atm.

After a lot of soul-searching, I've started to believe I may be transsexual but I have no frame of reference, as it were. Merely a list of subjective symptoms/experiences that I am unable to piece together myself as I feel as though my mind is being torn in two.

• I am deeply uncomfortable engaging in sex as a man, though when I am able to behave freely, i.e; far more feminine, I feel all my inhibitions drop away.

• I have always been painfully uncomfortable with/ashamed of my body in very odd peculiar ways - cannot remove t-shirt during sex as I feel there is something wrong with my chest, cannot wear short sleeves outside as I fear my arms will be perceived as "feminine", often feel uncomfortably aware of my genitals, almost as if they should not be there.

• Similarly, I like being called beautiful, cute, etc, rather than handsome or other more masculine descriptors, yet feel a deep sense of shame at this.

• I experience random emotions that do not tally with my actual beliefs or feelings such as bizarre moments of misogyny (I do not hate women in the slightest) and an aversion to anything that could be perceived as homosexual even though I do not have a problem with homosexuality in others and personally identify as bisexual.

• Upon confessing my feelings to my girlfriend the other day I felt a deep sense of euphoria and relief, but have since felt anxiety overwhelm me. I've spent the last few days trying to convince both her and myself that I am not actually transsexual and instead have a variety of other ailments, blaming/suspecting/ variously ocd,  ->-bleeped-<-,  bi-polar disorder and even schizophrenia.

• I feel a conflicting sense of shame, anxiety, comfort/happiness and emotional catharsis when I am able to dress/act like a woman, or even think of being a woman.

• I often feel as though (and have done for a while) that I must overcompensate - mustn't be emotional, must be constantly strong and never weak, must be angry rather than sad and these feelings have only increased dramatically since I confessed to my girlfriend.

I've always felt like there was something wrong with me, something I've never been able to explain, something at the back of my mind, like an itch I could never scratch. My screen name on here basically sums up how I've felt my entire life. I've always suffered from the most incredible self loathing, though logically I have no idea why. Ever since puberty I've been so self-conscious, so controlled around people; the easiest way to explain it is I feel like I'm suffering the strain of trying to be two people at once and the pressure is finally making me crack. It's like there are two forces/feelings inside of me; one the one hand, I feel like a woman, on the other, I am quite obviously a man. Two truths I cannot seem to reconcile.  My

I've been increasingly neurotic the last couple of years, though after confessing to my girlfriend, I was able to leave the house without feeling socially anxious (a condition that has plagued me for several years but with increasing intensity over the last couple of months. I felt good, great even. Though now fear has found me again and I cannot accept these feelings. I've always been very emotionally intelligent and I have always struggled against it, even now, I feel as though I must be as rigidly logical as possible because that's the male thing to do, right? Can't possibly let myself trust my emotions on the matter because that would be *wrong*, for reasons I can't actually explain.

I'm terrified and anxious as hell, to the point that it is beginning to effect my health - trouble sleeping, grinding teeth (I always do this during periods of extreme anxiety), etc.

Also, I am currently attempting to get a gender therapist, though my doctor hasn't been of any help so if anyone can give me any advice on that front it'd be much appreciated.


Now, in the hopes that I don't sound like as much of a raving lunatic as I feel, can anyone understand where I am coming from/offer any advice?

Welcome to Susan's Place. We'll help you if you help us. What's your name? Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 16, 2012, 07:37:24 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. We'll help you if you help us. What's your name? Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you for the prompt response and thank you for the warm welcome! My name is Karl.

You don't sound like a raving lunatic at all, hon. And I think a lot of what you say will most definitely strike a chord with many people here. *hugs*

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions, if I may, before I say anything else.

A lot of your post seems to suggest that you either don't feel comfortable listening to your emotions, or feel that doing so is somehow wrong. I'm curious to know whether this is something that came from an influence during your upbringing (by that I mean is that something you've observed from perhaps a father figure, or other male presence in your life), or is it a coping mechanism you've developed yourself to deal with this feeling of wrongness you've been struggling with?

My second question is: are there ever times, for example when you're half asleep, or when you're not actively concentrating on dealing with these conflicting sensations, that you are able to, or spontaneously visualise yourself in your mind's eye? For example if you're absently thinking about doing something you enjoy. If so, what does that person look like?

Quote from: Sephirah on September 16, 2012, 08:06:02 PM
You don't sound like a raving lunatic at all, hon. And I think a lot of what you say will most definitely strike a chord with many people here. *hugs*

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions, if I may, before I say anything else.

A lot of your post seems to suggest that you either don't feel comfortable listening to your emotions, or feel that doing so is somehow wrong. I'm curious to know whether this is something that came from an influence during your upbringing (by that I mean is that something you've observed from perhaps a father figure, or other male presence in your life), or is it a coping mechanism you've developed yourself to deal with this feeling of wrongness you've been struggling with?

My second question is: are there ever times, for example when you're half asleep, or when you're not actively concentrating on dealing with these conflicting sensations, that you are able to, or spontaneously visualise yourself in your mind's eye? For example if you're absently thinking about doing something you enjoy. If so, what does that person look like?

Thank you for being so understanding.

I seriously hate dealing with my emotions and at times feel completely overwhelmed by them, but I literally feel unable to ask for help because that's *wrong*. My modus operandi is just to bury/ignore everything. If I had to point to any particular influence, I'd say my father. I've always felt as though he doesn't like me/treats me entirely wrong/feels uncomfortable with me because I'm not like him in the slightest. I'm not particularly manly but I feel as though I should be. All my life he's regaled me with stories about how he's not afraid to fight and how you absolutely have to fight; i.e; if someone even slightly steps up to you, you have to fight back no matter what. To do otherwise would be a death of a kind, an impossible shame. Hence I've often fought back when I should have just run away and taken one or two serious beatings in my life because of it. It's like he's built this idea in my head of what it is to be a man and I just *can't* do it. I don't f**king want to do it. I despise the slightest weakness in myself and I'm beginning to realise that I'm wrecking my health because of this fear of asking for help. Even when I feel like absolutely sh*t I feel as though I have to soldier on and do whatever is asked of me. I'm constantly vigilant, constantly unable to relax around others because then I'll let down my barriers and they'll see that I am weak, that I'm not normal. Even now, I'm aware that I feel incredibly anxious opening up and talking about myself like this. Another influence would probably be my experiences at secondary school; I was a seriously emotional teenager but people always told me to just suck it up and deal with it, rather than talking. I nearly always hung around with girls, because I felt far more comfortable around them than I did around my male friends. Stupid as it sounds, I often thought I was in love with all my female friends, but now I'm realising that wasn't the case; I was just happier around them - I empathise far more with women than men.

As for your second question, I kinda have a feeling that I know what you mean, but I'm worried this will sound odd.

I once had a dream that I was at a party of some sort and I was having a really good time. Then suddenly this woman emerged from the crowd and approached me; she was, in a word, vivacious. Confident in a way I found enormously attractive, though not in a sexual way - more like I wanted to be her. To borrow a quote from Twin Peaks, it felt like "A reunion with the deepest well-springs of my being." I woke up thinking that the dream was very odd, but with the strong impression that she *was* me. It sounds odd saying it, but even though logically I knew she didn't exist, I felt a profound wish that she did and that I could know her. The dream haunted me for the rest of the day and I just pushed it out of my mind in in the end, because it made me feel quite melancholy/wistful just thinking about her.

What you have described certainly fits the bill for some sort of GID, or perhaps just plain ole BID. You certainlyy are not unique in having those feelings and the mass confusion that comes along with them. I've been wrestling this demon for some 50 years. Someday I hope to have an answer that works for me.

Much of what you have described fits me, as well as many others here. I felt when I was 4-5 that I should be a girl. Prayed each night for a miracle. Failing that meant doing my best to fake being "Normal" which meant a very rigid and rule bound life.The shame and guilt led to pretty much believing my entire life was a fraud, a sham, a lie. Including all the pretty amazing acomplishments people I respect tell me I had. Yet, they mean nothing to me since it is all built on a lie.

You did a great thing in actually bringing this up to your g/f. You are only as sick as your secrets they say. Very true for us, as you noticed the sense of relief after telling her your deepest darkest secret. Unfortunately, with your confusion over what you are with many years of wrestling with that question on your own, you cannot give good answers to any of your g/f's questions.

Job #1 is now to sort these feelings out. THere is a broad spectrum from "Normal" to true TS. (There are several classification systems out there) Also keep in mind that if the day comes you are sure you are a TS, that still does not mean a full transition and SRS is required for peace of mind. Again, plenty of options.

One of the best ways to find a gender therapist, if you are not near a major metropolitan area, is first look for TG groups nearby. You will likely find that they can be of infinite value. All that shared experience and, at the very least, you'll learn which therapist to stay far away from.

If you are near any sort of metro area, odds are there is an organization which specifically is for the support of all things trans such as therapist, medical, legal, etc..

You can try posting in the Therapy forum for leads. As for finding a TG group I spent about 3 months of evenings on Google searching for one in my area. The closest iturned out to be 90 miles away. Same for any therapist that states treats TG clients. That is what I get for moving to the hicks from 10 minutes away from mid-town NYC    It's about 2 1/2 to 3 hour drive for me to get to a big city gender clinic with all the whistles and bells.

Quote from: TheNauseaOfExisting on September 16, 2012, 08:34:36 PM
I seriously hate dealing with my emotions and at times feel completely overwhelmed by them, but I literally feel unable to ask for help because that's *wrong*. My modus operandi is just to bury/ignore everything. If I had to point to any particular influence, I'd say my father. I've always felt as though he doesn't like me/treats me entirely wrong/feels uncomfortable with me because I'm not like him in the slightest. I'm not particularly manly but I feel as though I should be. All my life he's regaled me with stories about how he's not afraid to fight and how you absolutely have to fight; i.e; if someone even slightly steps up to you, you have to fight back no matter what. To do otherwise would be a death of a kind, an impossible shame. Hence I've often fought back when I should have just run away and taken one or two serious beatings in my life because of it. It's like he's built this idea in my head of what it is to be a man and I just *can't* do it. I don't f**king want to do it. I despise the slightest weakness in myself and I'm beginning to realise that I'm wrecking my health because of this fear of asking for help. Even when I feel like absolutely sh*t I feel as though I have to soldier on and do whatever is asked of me. I'm constantly vigilant, constantly unable to relax around others because then I'll let down my barriers and they'll see that I am weak, that I'm not normal. Even now, I'm aware that I feel incredibly anxious opening up and talking about myself like this. Another influence would probably be my experiences at secondary school; I was a seriously emotional teenager but people always told me to just suck it up and deal with it, rather than talking. I nearly always hung around with girls, because I felt far more comfortable around them than I did around my male friends. Stupid as it sounds, I often thought I was in love with all my female friends, but now I'm realising that wasn't the case; I was just happier around them - I empathise far more with women than men.

You're taking big steps by doing this, hon. It shows you have courage, and you should be proud of yourself. *hugs* You can say as much or little as you like, and you won't be judged for it, okay? I think we've all been at a similar stage to this: those first faltering steps are often the hardest ones because we have to overcome a lifetime of being told how we should be in order to discover for ourselves who we are.

Your answer is pretty much as I suspected. I wonder if this distance from your emotions is a defense mechanism, based largely on a fear of the consequences should you listen to them. And that may be where some of your conflict is coming from. I'm trying to not make this sound like a loaded question but... does it sometimes feel like a dam is about to break and something you've held back for a long time is threatening to engulf you?

I can relate to what you're talking about with regard to barriers. I often still put up barriers to protect myself from being hurt, not so much against who I am anymore though.

Are there any times that you allow yourself to relax those barriers, hon? When others aren't around maybe. I mean you've already taken that first step by being here, and showing that it's not weakness to ask for help, and to confide in others. I would say it's actually more a symbol of inner strength to know that you need it and that there are some things that you can't do by yourself, you know?

Another question (sorry, it's an annoying habit of mine, lol). What was it that made you happier being in the company of girls at school? Was it something in their attitude? The conversations? The way they expressed themselves?

Take all the time you need, hon. There's no pressure and no rush, okay? Just some things to think about. Maybe letting a few little feelings out here, slowly, will take some of the pressure away from the way you feel inside. It's okay to feel and examine those feelings. Sometimes one emotion says more about us than a head full of thoughts. *hugs*

Quote
As for your second question, I kinda have a feeling that I know what you mean, but I'm worried this will sound odd.

I once had a dream that I was at a party of some sort and I was having a really good time. Then suddenly this woman emerged from the crowd and approached me; she was, in a word, vivacious. Confident in a way I found enormously attractive, though not in a sexual way - more like I wanted to be her. To borrow a quote from Twin Peaks, it felt like "A reunion with the deepest well-springs of my being." I woke up thinking that the dream was very odd, but with the strong impression that she *was* me. It sounds odd saying it, but even though logically I knew she didn't exist, I felt a profound wish that she did and that I could know her. The dream haunted me for the rest of the day and I just pushed it out of my mind in in the end, because it made me feel quite melancholy/wistful just thinking about her.

It doesn't sound odd at all. Did this woman do anything, or say anything in your dream? Have you dreamed about her since then?

Ok, I went through very similar experiences as you have. I was always raised to be manly and logical. I got into a few fights throughout my day (all in self-defense, but that's another story for another time). I won each of those fights, so I know being trans is not something that makes you weak. I understand how much pressure there can be for you to accept that you can't show your feelings. I had the same problem all of my life. I was never able to cry or show emotion. I always lied to people to overcompensate my manliness. One girl called me cute, and I actually said, "Cute is for hamsters, puppies, and babies; I'm not cute." The only girly things I would show anyone were some of the songs on my i-pod (Cindy Lauper, anyone?).

Trust me, it doesn't make you weak to not show feelings. Not showing anyone how you truly feel simply out of FEAR that your manhood would be compromised in the eyes of others is weak. See that? So-called "manly" people are SCARED of something as simple as showing their feelings. Now that's weak. Caring about how others feel about you to the point where you are willing to make yourself miserable for their sake is silly. It takes true courage to let out your feelings. Being shut off to emotion is to be shut off from an entire hemisphere of your brain. You are not a robot; you are human. Remember that all humans show emotions. That's what makes us people and not machines.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to just let yourself feel again. I stored all of my feelings inside and that backfired on me completely. I would take out my frustration on anything. I destroyed just about any item I owned and I even got into a fist fight with my best friend for no good reason. After all of this, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I had a nervous breakdown and could barely breathe. I honestly felt like I was going to die. I was stuck on the floor for 2 hours, crying and screaming in pain. Afterwards, I was silent and cried for 5 days straight. I didn't say a word and spent the first 5 days of my spring break in bed, barely eating and working out intensely just to channel my pain and exhaust myself so that I would be able to fall asleep or at least pass out, all so I could only have peace in an unconscious state at that time. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop crying for those 5 days. I felt better after the fact and I now show my emotions whenever I feel like it. I always check if I can cry before bed. If I can, then I don't sleep until I have cried enough to feel better. This helps me prevent any problem from building up by taking it down while it is still just a group of tinier problems.

As of now, I am what people would call "girly". I openly play with stuffed animals. I sometimes wear feminine clothing. I talk about my feelings and I engage in girl-talk with the ladies at my school. I honestly feel more like the real me and it makes me feel so much better.

Remember that it's not about sucking it up or "being a man". Be true to yourself and if you still feel this way even after talking to a therapist or just a trustworthy friend, you'll know what you probably need to do.

Wow, that was a mouthful. Hope I helped.