What if I can't transition or fail passing?

[CynthiaR]

@Alana Ashleigh @Lori Dee @Allie Jayne @Charlotte_Ringwood @Maid Marion @KathyLauren @NancyDrew1930 @Susan @big kim @Jessica_Rose @Pema

My apologies for how long it's taken me to get back to this thread to make a meaningful reply. I've been reading all of your contributions and have been taking them to heart. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only dimensionally challenged individual here. I think a lot of the doubts I have are fear, and trying to find an excuse to not move forward. I've never done well with taking leaps of faith, and this is a pretty big one. Yeah, I guess I do have an image in my mind of what a woman should look like. I think society in general has an image that they push on all women as the "ideal", and it's also a bit of human nature to want to fit in. You're absolutely right that I'm not undertaking this journey to please others. It's because it's something I need to do. I have spent many years in the dark, questioning, denying, and trying to hide. For the majority of the time, I did not believe I was "trans enough", and everyone had these feelings. I'm so sick of the anger and depression I was feeling. The hating myself and treating myself like I'm disposable. Frankly, I did not care if I lived or died. As it stands right now, I'm seven days away from most likely getting prescribed my HRT. Just thinking of how close I am to starting the journey to finally be "me", the weight of everything I've carried all my life is just falling away. It's not a want anymore, but something I need to do. Yeah, it's not going to be easy. I know there was a question about my goal weight. I googled what a 6'2" woman should weigh. I got back 150-170 lbs, so I shot for the middle. I honestly don't even know if I could get down that far with my build, lol. I guess I'll try to add a couple of songs here that I like to listen to here. They help get me over the bumps.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hi Cynthia,

I know how nerve-wracking it can be. As a disabled veteran, all of my medical care is through the VA. Once I had my diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, my psychologist sent me back to my Primary doctor. She then set me up with a TeleHealth video appointment with Endocrinologists in Minneapolis. At that appointment, since I was a new patient to them, they had to ask 75 questions and confirm 17 times that I understand the risks, that I give consent, and that I am ready to proceed. That had to be the longest hour appointment in my life.

Finally, the intern asks me if I have any questions. I said, "Yes, can I have my dang pills now?" Well, they mailed them to me. So, more waiting. It drove me crazy constantly waiting for the next step.

So, like you are now, I was excited and scared and frustrated and impatient. Finally, they arrived, and I took them right away. Nothing happened. I kept taking them each day, and after about three or four days, I realized that I felt happy for no reason. The more I focused on that feeling, the more I noticed it.

At my 30-day follow-up appointment, I knew this was the right path for me. I also learned that my transition relied heavily on other people. Other people had to do their exams, ask their questions, fill out their forms, and mail the medications. And nobody does it nearly as fast as I wanted them to.

Patience will get you through this. Be patient with the other people who are part of your transition. They haven't had as long as you to adjust. Be patient with caregivers and medical providers; they want to help, but it just seems like they are slow. Most importantly, be patient with yourself. It takes time to adjust, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Give yourself time. It will happen before you realize. Small changes at first, then you will notice more and more, and then sort of plateau with slow, steady progress.

You got this, sister. Just be patient.

[CynthiaR]

Lori, Yeah, it certainly is a process to go through. I have been through the initial visit/interview, acknowledged the informed consent information, had bloodwork completed, and they've asked me to name my pharmacy of choice for my pre-appointment check-in. Can't say for certain what is going to happen at this follow-up, but we can guess. I know Amy is very apprehensive of any coming changes. The physical is her most tangible connection to me, as would be expected. She's used to how I look, how I sound, her being able to touch and I feel a certain way. So much of that stands to change as I move forward. I know the changes are slow and gradual. This is one time I'm thankful for that. It will allow time for her to acclimate to the physical changes that come with the territory.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I know Amy is very apprehensive of any coming changes. The physical is her most tangible connection to me, as would be expected. She's used to how I look, how I sound, her being able to touch and I feel a certain way. So much of that stands to change as I move forward. I know the changes are slow and gradual. This is one time I'm thankful for that. It will allow time for her to acclimate to the physical changes that come with the territory.

One huge benefit that you have is that Amy is a wonderful and open-minded person. She admits that she doesn't know how she might feel in that department, but is keeping an open mind to it. This is an area where your marital bond will shine. Although I have zero experience in the details of what has worked for other couples, I do know that love and demonstrating love have nothing to do with penetration. As Jessica_Rose said, "There are many ways to be intimate."

This situation will force the two of you to explore this in more detail. Find new ways to do things, and really get to know each other on the deepest levels. A simple touch can sometimes be more powerful than a marathon "grind". Love and intimacy are less about sensation than they are about communication and sending a message. A "well-received message" can be very pleasurable.

There is no reason to wait until the changes start happening. You don't want to be prepared to do something a certain way only to find that you can't anymore. Start exploring now. Try different things to see what you each enjoy, then spend more time exploring those. These will be tools in your toolbox to introduce variety, spontaneity, and adventure. With enough options open that you both enjoy, you may find that the two of you don't miss the old ways because you have found something so much better. You won't know until you try.

I hope this helps. 😉

[Kristy7]

Hi Cynthia,

I'm so sorry I didn't see your post sooner — the last few days have been very busy on my end. I didn't want to let it pass without responding, because what you're feeling is something many of us have faced when we were starting out.

The fear of "failing" at passing is one of the most common worries we have, especially early on. We all start with an idea in our heads of what we think a woman is supposed to look like, and then we hold ourselves up against that impossible image. But that fear isn't truth — it's dysphoria talking, not reality.

If someone had told me before my transition that I would ever successfully pass, I would have thought they were lying or making fun of me. Yet after just a few short weeks, I reached a point where I finally felt comfortable in my own skin — and I did begin to pass.

Getting my hair professionally done in a hairstyle typically worn by women, having my eyebrows waxed and properly shaped, and learning to use makeup that highlights my strongest features while softening the others made a huge difference. Little by little, I began to see myself as I truly am. Within a few months, I simply was — not pretending, not trying, just living.

The photo strip below tells that story better than my words ever could. The first image is me pre-transition — my eyes look dead and soulless from years of hiding. The second shows how I looked when I started my public coming out. The third was taken shortly before one of my first major public speaking engagements, and the fourth was taken before having dinner and wine at a local restaurant. There's no surgery between those early pictures and the third and fourth ones — the real difference there is confidence and a growing sense of belonging. The second-to-last photo was taken in Thailand after my surgery there, and the final one was taken shortly after I had recovered from my vocal surgery.

Looking back now, I can see how rough I looked in those early photos, but I still felt amazing. You can see the light starting to show in my eyes, and even with my teeth looking as horrible as they did back then (thanks, Devlyn!), I was breaking into my first real smile as Susan. In each picture after that, as I lost weight, got my hair styled and colored, and kept learning how to present myself, that smile becomes more and more authentic — because I was finally letting my true self be seen.

But even if I had never passed, I still couldn't have gone on living as someone I wasn't — not for comfort, not for acceptance, and not even to make life easier. Pretending was what made life unbearable. Transitioning wasn't about achieving perfection; it was about finally living honestly.

You deserve that same chance to see your true self emerge, in your own time and your own way.
— Susan 💜

Hi Susan,
Wow,
The pictures you provided of yourself are so powerful.
I've researched, read about trans, cd ect for years, I've not found anything so vivid of the possibilities for all of us.

Thank you,

Kristy

[KathyLauren]

Increasingly often these days, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see a woman. Sometimes I'll think, "You know, I'm kind of cute."

I remember the first time that happened to me.  It was a few months after starting HRT, and my face had started to change in subtle ways.  One day, I happened to catch my reflection in a mirror, and thought, "Nice eyes!"

It is important to be open to seeing yourself as cute / pretty / beautiful when those moments happen.  And they will happen.