What if I can't transition or fail passing?

[CynthiaR]

So, I find myself struggling with the question of transitioning and passing. Is it worth transitioning if I'm never able to pass? What would be the point if I can't pass? Could it make my dysphoria feel even worse should I fail? What do I do to manage the pain if I don't transition?

Now, for a little personal info. I'm currently 50, married, and recently disclosed my transgender status to my wife (Pugs4life). I've spent almost my entire life trying to deny what I really knew to be true, and dealing with imposter syndrome. I have a therapist I've been working with that's allowed me to understand that I am trans. Unfortunately, I can't put the genie back in the bottle.

Here's the hard part, I'm what you might call an industrial sized individual. I'm 6'2", around 250lbs and carry it well. I've set a goal to get my weight down to near 160, and that's going to take some time to do. Meanwhile, I have a follow-up appointment, in about 2 weeks, to hopefully start MTF HRT. I've spent the day, today, questioning if I can pull this off. Just thinking about not transitioning, I can feel the darkness of depression trying to close in.

Any advice or just sharing your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Alana Ashleigh]

I'm a bit taller than you. I'm 6'4, 205 pounds. I was in a bad place when I finally got on hormones. Fortunately, within a few days, my mental health improved significantly. I've had very laissez faire approach to my transition. Just getting on hormones may help you with some of the feelings you're dealing with.

[Lori Dee ✅]

So, I find myself struggling with the question of transitioning and passing. Is it worth transitioning if I'm never able to pass? What would be the point if I can't pass? Could it make my dysphoria feel even worse should I fail? What do I do to manage the pain if I don't transition?

Now, for a little personal info. I'm currently 50, married, and recently disclosed my transgender status to my wife (Pugs4life). I've spent almost my entire life trying to deny what I really knew to be true, and dealing with imposter syndrome. I have a therapist I've been working with that's allowed me to understand that I am trans. Unfortunately, I can't put the genie back in the bottle.

Here's the hard part, I'm what you might call an industrial sized individual. I'm 6'2", around 250lbs and carry it well. I've set a goal to get my weight down to near 160, and that's going to take some time to do. Meanwhile, I have a follow-up appointment, in about 2 weeks, to hopefully start MTF HRT. I've spent the day, today, questioning if I can pull this off. Just thinking about not transitioning, I can feel the darkness of depression trying to close in.

Any advice or just sharing your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

This is a topic that comes up fairly often here on the forums. And it is usually people who are in the early stages of transitioning.

You have an image in your head of what a woman should look like, and you are thinking, "I'll never pass". That is false thinking. What it represents is that you are trying to be a woman, that woman, the image you have in your head, instead of being yourself. For years, if not decades, you have struggled in "male mode" and were miserable because you were not being yourself. Stop trying to be something you are not, and just be you.

When you start just being yourself and accepting yourself, you will find that others will accept you too. It isn't about looks! Feminine traits include walking, talking, hair, clothing, jewelry, fashion, and style. I cringe when I see a transwoman overdo it. It isn't necessary.

All women worry about their appearance. They all want to lose weight, have bigger boobs, change their hair color/style, and try something new. You are no different. But your goals must be realistic. At 6'2", do you really need to be 160 lbs? I'm 5'11" and 200. My sister-in-law was 6'1" and 235, and she looked great because she knew how to dress accordingly.

The purpose of HRT is twofold. First, it affects you mentally. It is very subtle at first, but eventually you will notice that you are more emotional and you do things slightly differently. The other purpose is the physical changes that we want. These take time, so you must be patient and trust the process. Estrogen redistributes body fat, so muscles become less defined, facial features soften, hips may widen a bit, and breast growth occurs.

All of these things affect your appearance. Should you give up before you have even started? The changes will surprise you. My brother used to tell me I looked like Grandpa. My cousin now tells me I look more like my mother than my father. The changes happened. They just took time.

While you are waiting for all of that to happen, start working on the things you can do now. Sign up for voice lessons, make-up tutorials, or just go to a busy shopping mall and people-watch. Look at the women. Look at their height, weight, and how they dress. Look at their make-up, hair, and clothing. Your goal should not be to look like a supermodel. The goal is to blend in so that you look just like any other woman out shopping. Do a Google search of celebrities over 6' tall. You will be surprised.

I am 68 years old. I don't want to look like a 25-year-old. I am content with looking like a nice old lady. I get misgendered on the phone a lot, but rarely in person anymore. I don't wear a lot of makeup or jewelry; I just live my life as me.

If you want to see my transformation, I did a "Progression" photo album to show how my look changed over the years. My profile pic is from 2023.
The Story of Lori Progression Photos 🔗 [Link: imgur.com/a/progression-​story-​of-​lori-​photo-​journey-​AEZXBWe/]

Be patient with yourself, and you will be just fine. Trust me.

[Alana Ashleigh]

You have an image in your head of what a woman should look like, and you are thinking, "I'll never pass". That is false thinking. What it represents is that you are trying to be a woman, that woman, the image you have in your head, instead of being yourself. For years, if not decades, you have struggled in "male mode" and were miserable because you were not being yourself. Stop trying to be something you are not, and just be you.

When you start just being yourself and accepting yourself, you will find that others will accept you too. It isn't about looks! Feminine traits include walking, talking, hair, clothing, jewelry, fashion, and style.

This. 100 percent.

[Allie Jayne]

This is the reason I put off transitioning until I was 65 years old. I am pragmatic, and I knew I would never be passable as a woman. It wasn't height, but my basic body structure which convinced me I could never pass. I came out to my wife before we married in 2000, and she agreed I could dress as my female self at home, but if anyone ever saw me, she would leave.From my late 50's, my dysphoria increased until it was destroying my health.

My doctors advised me to start HRT, and my wife agreed, saying she would see if she could handle it. Initially , my dysphoria eased somewhat, and, convinced that I could never pass, and I would lose the love of my life, I stopped HRT. I immediately got sick again. I gave in, and transitioned. It wasn't as bad as I feared, as my family and community accepted and supported me, but my wife left.

What I have learned is that it can be dangerous to ignore dysphoria as it can lead to tragic outcomes. I also learned that there is a life to be lived, and even enjoyed as a non passing trans person. The important thing is to identify your dysphoria trigger, and treat it. Mine were genitals and my large upper body. My genital surgery reduced my dysphoria immensely, but HRT did little to reduce my upper body mass. I now believe I didn't need to socially transition to achieve a workable level of dysphoria, but my surgeon required a 1 year real life test before surgery.

I now live alone, I talk to my ex every couple of days and we are best friends. I get on well with my family, and I am socially active and accepted as a trans woman. People ask me if I am happy, and I tell them that I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am basically happy. I learned that you don't have to completely transition and be undetectable as a woman to have a rewarding life. You just need to work on reducing dysphoria, and be yourself with everybody.

Different people have different perceptions, and I have been surprised at their impressions of me. In one week, I had a sales assistant call me 'sir', and a man sincerely asking me for a date, and he was surprised when I told him I was trans. We are very hard on ourselves, so don't try to predict what others might think. They will see someone different than you see, so just be yourself.

Hugs,

Allie

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Really nice to see this thread and the various thoughts around passing. From my experience there are two experiences of passing which I'm grappling with myself.

One of those is in my own head where I question my gender and feel like an imposter; I don't sound like, walk like, look like and generally present like I think a woman would/should.

Then there is the external passing where I'm either referred to by various male terms by others or as my preferred gender terms. Am I really seen as female? Even if others acknowledge my gender correctly, are they really thinking 'yeah right..a women..lol'.

I thibk both can be worked on in your own head. I'm slowly feeling more like a woman inside even though the external factors are still work in progress. I try to consciously open up to feeling my senses, feeling my surroundings and looking at myself. Getting my mind into a calm state I process all of these senses by tuning into that female perception and sensitivity which is already part of mine and probably most other trans MTF peoples minds. We are trans probably because our minds think this way!

I guess what I'm saying is if you can allow your feminine mind space, calm and freedom, and then feed senses and images into it without any prior bias, then you can see your true self without prejudice.

I'm not there all the time yet, but learning to control and frame your experiences is such a useful process and connects well with grounding e.g. feeling every sensation of the moment.

I hope this makes sense as I really struggle to convey such an internal abstract thought process.

Charlotte 😻

[Maid Marion]

I know a big girl who moved to Connecticut because she found an employer and community that didn't care whether she passed or not.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Cynthia.  Nice to meet you!

One question to ask yourself is: who are you transitioning for?  If it is to impress others, then passing would perhaps be a big concern.  But this sentence is telling:

Just thinking about not transitioning, I can feel the darkness of depression trying to close in.

That tells me that you need to transition for your own mental health.

I was 62 when I started my transition.  (I am 71 now.)  While I wasn't really depressed, I was feeling stressed about initiating such a big change, and almost talked myself out of it.  What pushed me forward was thinking about how it would be when I was in my 80s.  The thought of going into old age still presenting as a man was just too depressing to contemplate.  That's when I knew I had to do it.

Yes, being tall will attract attention.  It does as a man, and it will do more so as a woman.  So, resolve to be the best, most beautiful tall woman you can be.  I am sure your wife can help you make fashion choices that will enhance your appearance.

I am not sure that your weight goal is realistic.  I am 155 lbs, and I am only 5'8".  I am a healthy weight for my size, although I do carry a little more around my waist than I like.  I would rather have it on my boobs, but c'est la vie.  If you asked a stranger to describe my build, they would be more likely to say "slim" than "heavy".  A tall woman at this weight might look disproportionately thin.

Be sure to discuss your weight goal with medical professionals, to ensure that it is healthy.

Good luck with your HRT!

[Lori Dee ✅]

Am I really seen as female? Even if others acknowledge my gender correctly, are they really thinking 'yeah right..a women..lol'.

This is really the question we ask ourselves. But my answer is that it doesn't matter.

We spent our lives growing up and playing the roles that society forced upon us, boys do this and girls do that. We knew we didn't fit in, but we did it anyway for whatever reason, and we were miserable enough to want to change our bodies.

Stop living your life for everyone else. It is YOUR life to live as you see fit. No one is going to live it for you, so be happy. Most of the people we worry about, we don't know very well. So why does it matter what they think? The people you pass on the street will be gone in a few seconds, and you may never see them again. So what if they think you don't pass? It is not their decision that matters.

As Allie Jayne pointed out, we are our own worst critics. We know every flaw, but not everyone sees those flaws. Whatever changes you make, be sure they suit you, not the world's perception of you. Trying to live up to everyone's expectations is exhausting and impossible. Be yourself. Let your spirit shine. See the beauty that is within you, and others will see it too.

People don't have to be petite to be a woman. They don't need an hourglass figure or to have 3% body fat. They don't have to have long hair, nice skin, or be beautiful. They don't have to have a sweet voice, sway their hips when they walk, or even wear tight clothing. Look carefully at the women around you. You see them every day, and most of them don't do any of these things, and yet they are no less a woman.

[NancyDrew1930]

🔗

I remember in my late-teens when I was thinking of coming out then, I made a mixed tape of songs for my mom (an actual mix tape since this was the early-2000's) of some songs to try to get the message across.  "Two Sides" was on that tape back then because even back then I knew that there was a part that I was having to hide, a sister that my mom and family had never met because she was inside me and she and I fought internally, until the last few years where, because of Covid and the mask mandate, I was overloaded and no longer could I hold her in because I was suffering from hiding her, and we both knew that for me to recover she would need to emerge and assert herself as the real NancyDrew and she had to be introduced to my family and now she is being introduced.

[Susan ✅]

Hi Cynthia,

I'm so sorry I didn't see your post sooner — the last few days have been very busy on my end. I didn't want to let it pass without responding, because what you're feeling is something many of us have faced when we were starting out.

The fear of "failing" at passing is one of the most common worries we have, especially early on. We all start with an idea in our heads of what we think a woman is supposed to look like, and then we hold ourselves up against that impossible image. But that fear isn't truth — it's dysphoria talking, not reality.

If someone had told me before my transition that I would ever successfully pass, I would have thought they were lying or making fun of me. Yet after just a few short weeks, I reached a point where I finally felt comfortable in my own skin — and I did begin to pass.

Getting my hair professionally done in a hairstyle typically worn by women, having my eyebrows waxed and properly shaped, and learning to use makeup that highlights my strongest features while softening the others made a huge difference. Little by little, I began to see myself as I truly am. Within a few months, I simply was — not pretending, not trying, just living.

The photo strip below tells that story better than my words ever could. The first image is me pre-transition — my eyes look dead and soulless from years of hiding. The second shows how I looked when I started my public coming out. The third was taken shortly before one of my first major public speaking engagements, and the fourth was taken before having dinner and wine at a local restaurant. There's no surgery between those early pictures and the third and fourth ones — the real difference there is confidence and a growing sense of belonging. The second-to-last photo was taken in Thailand after my surgery there, and the final one was taken shortly after I had recovered from my vocal surgery.

Looking back now, I can see how rough I looked in those early photos, but I still felt amazing. You can see the light starting to show in my eyes, and even with my teeth looking as horrible as they did back then (thanks, Devlyn!), I was breaking into my first real smile as Susan. In each picture after that, as I lost weight, got my hair styled and colored, and kept learning how to present myself, that smile becomes more and more authentic — because I was finally letting my true self be seen.

But even if I had never passed, I still couldn't have gone on living as someone I wasn't — not for comfort, not for acceptance, and not even to make life easier. Pretending was what made life unbearable. Transitioning wasn't about achieving perfection; it was about finally living honestly.

You deserve that same chance to see your true self emerge, in your own time and your own way.
— Susan 💜

[big kim]

I had planned to transition in 1979 a few months after  my 21st birthday. It didn't happen due to my fear of not passing. I was 6'3" and built like a racing snake due to working a heavy  manual job in a factory and being a speed freak. I had zero confidence or self esteem. Back then it was all about  passing. I spent the next 10 years blotting out gender dysphoria with speed coke weed and booze. If I was lucky I might get killed in a fight or car or bike accident.
I had to transition as I could  no longer stand it after 10 years.  Very  few people  said anything  about me or to me. Eventually when the hrt and electrolysis worked and I'd grown my hair out I somehow  blended in.
Now 6'2ish, 260 pounds with long silver  blonde hair at 68. I don't wear makeup as I became allergic to it. Wear flatties for comfort . An older gentleman who gave  me his seat on the  bus described  me as glamorous and elegant.  No he didn't  have a white  stick!

[Lori Dee ✅]

Now 6'2ish, 260 pounds with long silver  blonde hair at 68.

I like how you style your hair in a braid. It gives you a sort of Nordic Viking look. I never would have guessed you were that tall. You look great!

[big kim]

I like how you style your hair in a braid. It gives you a sort of Nordic Viking look. I never would have guessed you were that tall. You look great!

Thanks Lori. I've actually  had people  ask me if I can speak English! They've thought I was Swedish or Dutch due to my height and hair.
I've also been told to go back to my own country  a few times. Love their faces when I tell them  this is my fing country  I was born here in my Lancashire  accent

[Lori Dee ✅]

Love their faces when I tell them  this is my fing country  I was born here in my Lancashire  accent

😆

[Susan ✅]

Reading through the replies since I last posted, I am struck again by the depth of this community — and by how much love and lived experience has been shared here. Lori, Alana, Allie, Charlotte, Marion, Kathy, and Kim have each given a piece of the map from their own journeys, and together they show that there is no single way to "succeed" in transition. There is only your way — the one that leads you toward peace and authenticity.

What stands out in every story is that the fear of not passing is universal, but the power of self-acceptance is transformative. Each of these women, in her own way, stopped measuring herself against an imaginary ideal and started living her truth — and that is when life began to feel real again.

Lori spoke beautifully about how we build impossible images of what we think womanhood should look like, when all that is really needed is to be ourselves. She is right. Passing is not about looking like someone else; it is about finding comfort in your own reflection.

Allie's honesty about waiting, stopping, and starting again is something many of us have lived. Her story shows that dysphoria does not disappear when we hide from it — it grows heavier. When we finally step forward, even imperfectly, the weight starts to lift.

Charlotte reminded us that passing is not only about what others see — it is about what we feel inside. She is learning to quiet her doubts and let her feminine self take up space in her own mind first, and that is a lesson worth remembering.

Marion's brief comment captures something essential too: there are places, and people, who will accept you exactly as you are. Sometimes the key to peace is finding the spaces that do not demand that you prove anything.

Kathy shared the perspective of time and wisdom — how transition can bring joy even when it comes later in life. Her words remind us that age, height, or weight do not set limits on authenticity. The only thing that truly limits us is fear.

And Kim — what a story of strength and survival. She faced decades of hardship, lost time to pain and avoidance, but still found her way back to herself. Now she is living proof that beauty, grace, and even glamour are not about youth or size, but about owning who you are with confidence. Her braid and silver hair tell their own story of victory.

Cynthia, if you take one thing from all of this, let it be that you are not alone. Every woman who has written here once stood where you are — staring into the mirror, wondering the exact same thing — if she could ever be seen, or if she would ever belong. What changed everything was not perfection. It was persistence. It was love. It was courage.

Transition is not a test you can fail. It is a process of becoming more yourself. You will learn, adapt, and grow stronger with each step. You do not have to rush. You do not have to get everything right. You just have to keep going.

As you move forward, remember: Amy is walking this path beside you, and as I told her, all of us here — this incredible circle of women — are standing around you holding up lights. You never have to find the way out of the fog alone.

This is the path forward. When people are critical of you or attack you, pause and ask yourself whether their opinions truly matter to you. Do these people, who likely do not know you personally or understand the miles you have walked, have any real right to judge your life or your decisions? If the answer is no, then you are allowed to let their words go. Ignore them, refuse to carry their judgment as your own. Later, if you need to have a cry to release the hurt, do that — but do not internalize their cruelty or take it to heart. Their opinions are not the truth of who you are.

With love and pride,
— Susan 💜

[Jessica_Rose ✅]

Cynthia, am 6ft 1in tall. When I began my journey I weighed about 195lbs. I dropped down to 150lbs, and my doctor said I should gain some weight! I try to stay between 165lbs and 170lbs now. I made this post nearly four years ago, and a lot has happened since then, but transitioning was one of the best decisions I ever made.

https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=233104.msg2259616#msg2259616

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Pema]

So many people have already said so many things here that have caused me to say, "YES!" out loud several times. But I'll add my perspective, which may be somewhat different from others.

I'm 61 years old and small-bodied: 5'6" (167cm), 140lb. (63kg), fit but not bulky. I have a pretty deep voice. I bristle at the thought of feeling like I should want to "pass." I guess it strikes me as being entirely about other people's perceptions of my appearance, and that's not something I've ever cared much about in my life. I don't have it in me to try to care now. I'm transitioning - HRT 2 weeks now, who knows what follows - because I've determined it is what's best for me. Just by acknowledging that I'm transgender and embracing it, I feel like I'm already able to be more fully myself than I ever knew was possible. My entire life is about discovering how to be my most complete, authentic self. Anyone who would measure me against a template ingrained in them by society and determine that I fail isn't someone I need in my life. It really is that simple for me.

But there's more.

I think I've said this elsewhere on this site, but even if I have, I think it's worth repeating here. While breaking the news to my loved ones that I'm transgender, probably to keep the mood light, I've jokingly said, "I'll never be the prettiest woman anyone ever saw, but I'm still a woman." One day I heard myself say that and I realized that it really wasn't very kind to women who anyone ever called unattractive, which is probably most women at some point in their lives. If I'm calling myself unattractive, then I'm potentially calling other women unattractive - and I genuinely don't feel that way. When I see women of all shapes, sizes, colors, and configurations, I see beauty in every one of them. So why should I be any different? Increasingly often these days, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see a woman. Sometimes I'll think, "You know, I'm kind of cute."

So what I'm experiencing is a cycle of recognizing ever more deeply that women don't need to conform to societal expectations about how they should look or behave. They are women and they are beautiful in every case. Then I start seeing that in myself. And then I see it even more in other women. And then in myself even more.

This path is ultimately one of unconditional self-love and self-expression. For me, that just doesn't leave room for trying to look or behave the way anyone else expects me to.

Having said all of that, I recognize that I'm something of an anomaly in this regard, and I understand that other people do aspire to fit in in certain ways. My hope for folks who want that is that they will grant themselves - just as they would grant it to others - a lot of room for uniqueness in their conformity. Diversity is what makes us interesting.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Well said, Pema. Thank you.

Increasingly often these days, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see a woman. Sometimes I'll think, "You know, I'm kind of cute."

I do this too. Sometimes, I'll say, "Well, hello there!" and smile. Seeing my reflection smile at that makes me smile.

Then I start to wonder if someone spiked my apple juice.

😆

[Pema]

Then I start to wonder if someone spiked my apple juice.

I've had similar thoughts.