Hello from someone shy and nervous

[Cdcarly50458]

Hello there everyone, first and foremost thank you for everything you all post. Your content, your stories, and your community have given me the bravery to post myself.

My name is Charlie and I am 43 living currently in Iowa. I began this part of my life when I was much much younger. I remember watching my cousin in her dance recitals and friends sisters with their costumes and hair and makeup snd just wishing I could wear all that.

I remember betting with my cousin on video games or pool etc that if I lost she could do my hair in buns or twist etc.

That being said at about 13 was my first experience with lipstick and it has changed my life. I love dressing but after activities are finished I do feel that shame. I have gone through the purchase and purge cycle many times and right now I am carefully and quite critically purchasing.

I would love to hear from any and all of you. I dont know what im looking for right at this moment but at the least would love to find my people.

Hope you all stay safe today with the snow if youre in the area.

[Pema]

Hi, Charlie. Welcome to Susan's Place.

I think you'll find your people here, although we're all very different - and that's a good thing!

Please feel free to share more about yourself or any questions you may have. That's why we're here.

With love,
Pema

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Cdcarly50458
Dear Carly:
Hello and WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum.  I am so very glad that you
found us and made the decision to register as a member here.

You definitely came to the right place to share with our like-minded members regarding your transition journey..
...and being nervous about talking about your journey is absolutely NORMAL ...
 I agree with your statements in your Introduction posting and please know that you will find support and
you will find this to be a friendly, welcoming, and accepting place to share your feelings.

I realize that as one of our newer members that you may find that the Forum can be difficult and
confusing to be able to navigate around and utilize the features here.
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member of the Moderator staff. you can always contact me via my Direct Private Email  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Here on the Forum we have members coming from all backgrounds and with a variety of experiences.

I look forward to your involvement on the Forum and reading your
future postings, comments and thoughts.

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[Dances With Trees]

A pleasure to meet you, Charlie!

I look forward to learning more about you.

[Susan ✅]

Dear Charlie (or do you prefer Carly? I noticed your username — happy to use whichever feels right),

Welcome. And thank you for the courage it took to write this post — especially when you described yourself as shy and nervous. Showing up anyway is its own kind of bravery.

What you've shared is familiar ground here. Many of us remember those early moments — the watching, the wishing, the finding small ways to touch what felt forbidden. And that first experience that opened something you couldn't close again.

I want to speak to two things you named: the shame that comes after, and the purchase/purge cycle. They're connected.

The shame tells you that what you just did was wrong, dangerous, or unacceptable. So you purge — you throw it all away to make the shame stop, to prove to yourself (or some imagined observer) that you're "done with this." But you're not done. Because this isn't a habit you picked up. It's something that lives in you. So eventually, you purchase again. And the cycle continues.

Here's what I want you to consider: the purge doesn't solve the shame. It feeds it. Every time you throw things away in guilt, you reinforce the message that this part of you deserves to be hidden, discarded, erased. And then when it resurfaces — because it will — the shame is already waiting.

The way out isn't through purging. It's through understanding. And that's exactly what you're doing by being here.

Not knowing what you're looking for is okay. We don't need a destination to start walking. We just need to stop running from ourselves.

You've found your people. Stay awhile!

With warmth,
— Susan 💜

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hello Carly,

Welcome aboard!

Everyone is welcome here. Not everyone has the answers. Not everyone knows what direction they are headed. Not everyone is transgender, or non-binary, or gay. Some are still figuring it out, while others know themselves well enough to proceed in a direction that is right for them. Sometimes, the right direction is simply to continue as you are.

People change, situations change, and our preferences can change with it. My first psychologist said, "It should never be difficult to just be yourself."

Feel free to browse the forums and add your comments and experiences too. That is why we are here.

If you get lost, have questions, or just need to rant, let us know.

Welcome!

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Carly

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

It is lovely to meet you and I am so glad you found the courage to post. You described yourself as shy and nervous yet you showed up anyway and that is a quiet kind of bravery that many of us here understand very well.

Like Susan has said it would be nice to know which name you would like to be called.  I have gone with Carly as you may have noticed and if this is wrong I will change how I speak to you.

What you shared about your early memories, the wishing the small moments of play the first experience with lipstick and even the guilt that followed will feel familiar to many here.  You are certainly not alone in the purchase and purge cycle either.  As Susan said the shame never disappears because of a purge it only grows louder.  The fact that you are beginning to buy with more care shows that you are already starting to understand yourself better instead of running from what has always been part of you.

You will find people who are similar to you here.  We are all very different which is one of our strengths but we all share the desire to feel understood to feel safe and to find others walking their own paths.  Some of us are certain of who we are some are still questioning some are simply exploring.  As Lori reminded you nobody needs to have all the answers.  The best thing you can do is just be yourself without pressure.

If you have questions share them.  If you want to tell more of your story we will listen.  If you ever feel unsure navigating the forum Danielle and the moderator team are always available to help you.  You will find this a welcoming and accepting place where many journeys intersect.

Take your time.  Settle in.  Join the conversations whenever you are ready.  You have already taken the hardest step by introducing yourself.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.  Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@Cdcarly50458

[Alana Ashleigh]

Hi Carly


Alana

[tgirlamg]

Welcome Aboard Charlie!

I am glad you decided to jump in the pool and splash around with the rest of us!... You will absolutely be heard and understood here! I am in CA but, spent several years there in Ames, IA in the early 2000s... Stay Warm Little Sister! 🔥☃️🔥

Onward!

Ashley 💕

[jackiefox5585]

Hello there everyone, first and foremost thank you for everything you all post. Your content, your stories, and your community have given me the bravery to post myself.

My name is Charlie and I am 43 living currently in Iowa. I began this part of my life when I was much much younger. I remember watching my cousin in her dance recitals and friends sisters with their costumes and hair and makeup snd just wishing I could wear all that.

I remember betting with my cousin on video games or pool etc that if I lost she could do my hair in buns or twist etc.

That being said at about 13 was my first experience with lipstick and it has changed my life. I love dressing but after activities are finished I do feel that shame. I have gone through the purchase and purge cycle many times and right now I am carefully and quite critically purchasing.

I would love to hear from any and all of you. I dont know what im looking for right at this moment but at the least would love to find my people.

Hope you all stay safe today with the snow if youre in the area.

so what was the video game?

[katiebee]

Welcome!

[Mairen]

Hi Carly,
I can relate to so much of your story. You've definitely found your people here!
Hope you're good 👍
With love,
Mairen

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Hey and welcome Charlie
I love the way you turned that bet in your favour whilst making it look like you were getting the bad end of the deal 😃 Now that's my kinda logic!

Hope u find some inspiration here whatever direction you choose to go in.

Charlotte 😻

[Cdcarly50458]

Wow, im blown away by how welcoming and amazing you all are. Thank you to everyone who has responded.

To answer a question as well the video games were Aladdin and I think like mario at the time for super Nintendo and I was dying to get my hair up in space buns!

I remember so clearly one day watching transfixed as my aunt did my cousin's makeup for a recital and she turned to me with the lipstick teasing asking if I wanted some... omg I think she knew!

Either way I can't wait to get to know you all.

Thank you so much and if I can ever be of help or service to any of you evem just an ear to listen or rather fingers to type please know im here.

And you may of course all call me Carly.

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Carly

You said:

And you may of course all call me Carly.

Thank you for clarifying that for all of us!

😄

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Cdcarly50458