Feeling lost

[Stottie Girl]

Courage isn't something you get. It's something you have but never knew it. It's what happens when you just... don't see another option. When you're still utterly terrified but don't let it stop you.

Valerie, nothing worth doing in life is easy. If it is, it means nothing.'

I am proud of you for taking the steps you have taken. You have not given in to the paralyzing fear that is all too prevalent. You can do this, honey. You can.

You're most of the way there.

You've got this.

Well that's very true but I think I'm still ruled by fear unfortunately. I wish I wasn't. That's why  I'm taking a steady stepped approach to transition. The more things I can get right before being out there the less scared I feel. Things are happening so fast (at least for me) since I came on here. I am so afraid of confrontation it holds me back.

[Sephirah]

Well that's very true but I think I'm still ruled by fear unfortunately. I wish I wasn't. That's why  I'm taking a steady stepped approach to transition. The more things I can get right before being out there the less scared I feel. Things are happening so fast (at least for me) since I came on here. I am so afraid of confrontation it holds me back.

I know, Sarah. Wishing something doesn't make it not a thing. That's why you have me. To bounce everything off.

For what it's worth, though, you are far more courageous than you ever thought you were. You just can't see it. I see it.

[Stottie Girl]

I know, Sarah. Wishing something doesn't make it not a thing. That's why you have me. To bounce everything off.

For what it's worth, though, you are far more courageous than you ever thought you were. You just can't see it. I see it.

I'm not courageous when it comes to transitioning I feel like a fraud when in the company of so many people on here who have made the leap. It is very inspiring though.

[Sephirah]

I'm not courageous when it comes to transitioning I feel like a fraud when in the company of so many people on here who have made the leap. It is very inspiring though.

Girl you post your picture here. I have been here since 2008 and the number of people who know what I look like can be counted on one hand... of someone who has been in an horrific farming accident.

Don't sell yourself short, Sarah.

[Stottie Girl]

Girl you post your picture here. I have been here since 2008 and the number of people who know what I look like can be counted on one hand... of someone who has been in an horrific farming accident.

Don't sell yourself short, Sarah.

You're too kind Lauren.😁

[KristaFairchild]

Well that's very true but I think I'm still ruled by fear unfortunately. I wish I wasn't. That's why  I'm taking a steady stepped approach to transition. The more things I can get right before being out there the less scared I feel. Things are happening so fast (at least for me) since I came on here. I am so afraid of confrontation it holds me back.

I gradually let go. I let Krista look through my eyes. I tried very subtle gender neutral looks that were not so male. My nails became glossy and I HAD to grow them long. I couldn't fight that. I mean, clear nail polish is no big deal? Or longer nails? I still looked male. 

But oh GOD I couldn't fight it and eventually I didn't want to. It's feel good and right to be Krista. I've always been Krista and I was blocked from seeing that. 

She's more free now than ever. I can't tolerate the lie that I am male. That why I dumped he/him; it was a lie and as an ally I was committed to honesty. I could remove my pronouns from my communications and I couldn't lie.

I couldn't forget how good skirts felt. 

I surprised myself by thinking I looked pretty good in red lipstick. 

Why did I fight myself? Because I didn't know it WAS a fight. I start HRT in less than two weeks. I wear skirts and heels to work. I've never felt better 

[Stottie Girl]

I gradually let go. I let Krista look through my eyes. I tried very subtle gender neutral looks that were not so male. My nails became glossy and I HAD to grow them long. I couldn't fight that. I mean, clear nail polish is no big deal? Or longer nails? I still looked male.

But oh GOD I couldn't fight it and eventually I didn't want to. It's feel good and right to be Krista. I've always been Krista and I was blocked from seeing that.

She's more free now than ever. I can't tolerate the lie that I am male. That why I dumped he/him; it was a lie and as an ally I was committed to honesty. I could remove my pronouns from my communications and I couldn't lie.

I couldn't forget how good skirts felt.

I surprised myself by thinking I looked pretty good in red lipstick.

Why did I fight myself? Because I didn't know it WAS a fight. I start HRT in less than two weeks. I wear skirts and heels to work. I've never felt better

I've been thinking about this a bit and the people who arrived at the realisation later in life do have this urgency in them. It becomes a rush to experience everything, everywhere, all at once. It's breathtaking to observe!

For me I had been dressing since my earliest memories, albeit stop startedly due to stash discoveries etc. I went though the mini skirts and gogo boot phase when I was in my teens, I have had a long long time to get used to who I am. I guess it's why I have a more patient, step by step, methodical strategy. I don't need to suddenly act on everything that feels so new and exciting as it's been with me for so long.

For me I want transition now to be as seamless as possible and if it takes a little bit longer so be it. My goal is to transition and go stealth, not in the strictest sense, more like what Danielle has achieved. Close friends and relatives will know, work colleagues will probably know. but for everyone else, it's none of their business and I want to be as annonymous as any other woman, to blend into the background.

I realise though that not every trans woman has this same goal. Some want to shout their trans status from the roof tops, some like to be exhibitionists etc. I watch from the sidelines and am so impressed and inspired. This just re-inforces that there is no one clear path to transition.

[KristaFairchild]

What a lovely way to be. You aren't feeling held back as I first thought. You have a plan that is working for you. You exactly who you are while I did not. As you said, experiencing transition late in life after unknowingly suppressing my gender is far different that dressing for most of your life. Thanks for sharing and take no offense in my previous post, for I only know and share my experiences. I'm grateful for the opportunity to do so and then hear of your life. Life is rich. 

[Stottie Girl]

What a lovely way to be. You aren't feeling held back as I first thought. You have a plan that is working for you. You exactly who you are while I did not. As you said, experiencing transition late in life after unknowingly suppressing my gender is far different that dressing for most of your life. Thanks for sharing and take no offense in my previous post, for I only know and share my experiences. I'm grateful for the opportunity to do so and then hear of your life. Life is rich.

Oh, I did not see any offense in your post Krista, just sharing my thoughts really. I want to be as close to the finished article as I can be before I put my head above the parapet.

I'm an overthinker and I need everthing mapped out in life and work though everything methodically. Obviously life isn't quite like that in reality and you have to adapt as you go along but I need that core check list to work through. I'm happy I have appearence down now but I need to loose a lot of weight. but that box is pretty much ticked, I've found my style. Next is voice and /or electolysis. Once I have ticked those off I think I'm ready. Some will probably think that is mad to be waiting like this and just want to get out there into the world.

[Valerie.Val]

Sarah I admire the way you do it. And I think you're right about the late realisation... I wish I was done already, with everything, like yesterday. It feels like my time is running out. Dude took up enough space in my life, and still does, out of necessity.