Quote from: Madelyn on June 23, 2011, 04:00:24 PM
I just feel so overwhelmed at the moment for some reason. I don't know what it is, or how to stop it. I don't know where to find the courage to do this. I mean I'm an absolute retard because I don't have a single person in my life that's not supportive at the moment. EVERY SINGLE PERSON has affirmed me, has said that I'm a beautiful person. Even my wife to this day remains at my side (although our future is unknown and I think she might leave me eventually, maybe she's just worried about me.)
It's natural to feel overwhelmed by things, honey. We all do. It doesn't make you weak or 'an absolute retard' or anything else, okay? *hug* It makes you human.
Quote from: Madelyn on June 23, 2011, 04:00:24 PMAnyway, I'm still riddled with self doubt. Like I read those stupid articles that say some people are "real" transsexuals and others aren't "real" transsexuals and it makes me doubt whether I'm a real one. I mean, I've never really felt comfortable being a boy, I've never felt anything "inbetween" I have always thought I should be a girl, but now that I've been full-time for a few months I'm also feeling like I haven't found myself yet. Part of it seems fake to me to be honest. I feel a little like a clown. I don't even totally recognize myself.
Never take someone else's opinion when trying to decide who you are. All those articles, they're written by people with the exact same doubts and fears as you, as everyone. And you don't have to justify who you are to
anyone, or try and fit yourself in a box someone else has created for themselves. You are who you are, hon. No one can take that away from you or tell you otherwise. Whoever you are, and see yourself as, that's just fine. It's like trying to say whether you're 'normal'. Ask 100 different people what 'normal' is, and you'll get 100 different answers. And if you take a straight average of those, what you get is definitely NOT.
Honey, do you think maybe you're trying too hard to act like someone you think you should be? Because of what you've read or heard or seen? That you have an ideal in your head and are somehow trying to reach that?
Quote from: Madelyn on June 23, 2011, 04:00:24 PMBut on the other hand I just am really dreading something. Something is missing from this - from my transition, and I don't know WTF it is. I rack my brain and can't find it, I can't figure it out. I just get anxious about transition, and feel like I don't have the strength or courage to do it. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and I'm like WTH are you doing? This is major, are you absolutely sure you have to do this? And my answer is that I don't know. I feel like I do, but I also doubt myself and am so freaking scared and overwhelmed. I mean hormones aren't play things, surgery is MAJOR (and freaks me out majorly), and then there's the whole coming out thing, and living as a girl which I'm so new to and feels a little overwhelming too. Like I'm not doing something right. Like after living my whole life of feeling like I was a fraud as a boy, that I'm not doing a very good job as a girl either.
*hug* It's very very easy to feel daunted by anything that seems huge and insurmountable, sweetie. What you have to do is to set your sights closer to where you are rather than at the finish line, you know? Like... hmm... when those mountain climber people head off to have a crack at climbing Everest, and they're sat at base camp... what's the first thing they aim for? They don't think "right, here I am at the start and now I'm going to get to the summit... WOAH!! Jeez that's high, I don't think I can do this."
It's more a case of okay, first I'm gonna head for this point. Then from that point I'm gonna head for that point. And then that point. And so on and so forth. Until I get there.
Maybe a way to get over your fear somewhat is to concentrate on things a week at a time? Or maybe even a day at a time? Break everything down into little steps you can manage rather than one huge leap you don't think you have a chance of.
If it helps, give yourself things to look forward to, like... do something you really enjoy on the weekends, and then you can have something to look forward to all week. Or plan a treat for yourself, you know? A favourite meal, or a movie... anything that will give you a goal, something to aim for, a waypoint on your journey.
Honey, you don't have to act a certain way to be a girl, so whether you're doing a good job of it or not isn't really an issue if you just be you. Because if you're a girl then there's nothing you can do that will say anything else, you know? Heck, go fix cars and get covered head to toe in oil, grease and god knows what else... doesn't take anything away from who you are. Grab a chainsaw and head off into the forest for firewood or something... doesn't make you any less
you. Whatever you do, whenever you do it... you do it as
you. So there's no way you can do a 'bad job' of it. *hug*
As for strength, just remember how strong you were to get to this point. You have it in you, Madelyn. It never goes away, honey. It's part of who you are, too.
