I really didn't know where to post this, figured this was the best spot. I'm somewhat new here, for those of you who haven't read my intro I'm a 23 yr old f2m. I have lived "legally" as a male since age 16.
This is going to get a little long, but please bare with me. From my teenage years all of my relationships started with lies. I'd meet girls as "Joe", and not tell them about myself. At that age, I really didn't see anything wrong with it, as it felt right to me. Living in a somewhat smaller town, rumors would go around. Everyone I was "found out", I'd abandon the relationship, and move on to the next. There was plenty of times, the girl would find out the truth, and still want to "be with me", but by that time I was too uncomfortable with her knowing.
It was a cycle, that went on from 12 to about 18/19 years old. I stayed with a few after they found out, but things never worked. I was so incredibly uncomfortable with myself, it didn't matter if they didn't have a problem with it or not. This also put me in more than one messed up positions. My mother used to chase me around town til 2-3 am fearing I would be "found out" and murdered, which now that I look back, very well could of happened. I was never scared though.
I moved out of that place when I was 16 into a big city. Where my name was changed, and i enrolled into a new high school as "Jay". Which just made it that much easier for me to have these relationships built on nothing but lies. To this day I still find it hard to be open with new people, but I've changed a great deal, and am slowly working on just accepting myself.
Anyways - Back when I was 19 I flew out to California to spend Xmas with my mom, her bf, and meet his family for the first time. (His son, daughter in law, their little boy, and a niece..who was not blood related more like a family friend that was staying with them). My mothers bf's family accepted me with open arms, and both had numerous friends in the GLBT community, so it wasn't a big deal. We spent a week together in a rented out condo. Their "niece" who was 14 at the time, also new about me. She thought it was "cool", she didn't bring it up to me while I was there but tried her hardest to get to know me. Being she was so young, and quite annoying I ignored her pretty much the whole week. She even went to my mom asking why I didn't like her. And my mom just explained to her sometimes I was quiet. (Wasn't the case, she was annoying lol).
So anyways, the week ends, I fly back home ( to the midwest). This "niece" of theirs, I'll call her T. I gave her my email, we emailed maybe twice. About a year later I found out she got kicked out of my moms bf's son's house cuz she was a wild child, and they couldn't deal with it anymore. My sister in law called me, asking if I'd call and "talk to her", because I'd "Been there done that" before. I had too much other things to worry about at that time, and really didn't care too much about what she was doing.
So fast forward to summer of 05. At 21, I decided I was no longer happy in the Midwest, and decided to pack up and move out to Cali. My moms bf's son and daughter inlaw told me I coudl stay with them for a while til I got on my feet. 2 weeks after arriving, my step-sister in law tells me T is coming to visit for the weekend. I was planning on being out of town that weekend, but she convinced me to stay. Telling me T really wanted to see me. See me for what? We didn't even know eachother and hadn't spoke in 3-4 years.
They pull up in the driveway that night, T gets out of the car, and I couldn't believe my eyes. She was absolutely gorgeous. All grown up. She got out of the car and IMMEDIATELY came running into my arms. I felt like I had known her my whole life, it was just weird. She told me h ow great I looked, and how happy she was to see me. Next thing I know, that very night she comes into my room asking if she can sleep in there tonight. We laid in bed, and just talked. She told me she thought about me a lot the past couple years, and always wondered how I was. We both talked about our pasts, and ended up kissing and cuddling all night. We had a great weekend, and when it came time for her to leave, she broke down crying. She only lived 5 hours away, and made me promise I'd come visit. I agreed.
Let it be known. I found out even before out little reuniting that she had a horrible childhood. She was abused physically/mentally..and sexually by her step father (her 11 yr old sisters dad). She also opened up to me about this that weekend. So I guess that's why we kind of bonded together so quickly.
Sure enough I'm down there the next weekend. We started dating, and soon enough were a "couple". It was all "new" to me. She was the FIRST girl I'd been with that NEW EVERYTHING before we even started dating. She always jsut "understood". She'd ask little questions here and there and just be like "Oh ok!", no big deal. During this time I got to know more and more about her past. And saw first hand just how f****d up hermother was. T is bi polar, and her mother kept reasurring her she didn't need meds. ". Yeah, ok. Well by this time I had moved in with my mother. 2 days after my T's 18th birthday, her mother kicked her out over a stupid fight. She called me hysterical saying she wanted to move out, and wanted to come live with me. A little hesitant at first, my mother agreed she'd be better off out of that enviornment. So I drove 7 hours, we packed her life into my car, and went back to my moms.
She broke down the first 2 weeks, in the bathroom with no lights on on the floor. She told my mom she wasn't used to not being around drama and living in a "normal" enviornment. She got over it, and she really started to seem truly happy. I helped her get her GED, she got a full time job, and started going to NA meetings (narcotics anonymous). Before we met, she was hard into drugs, bla bla. We were at my moms for 4-5 months, she'd go home and visit every couple weeks, but would always call and say how nothings changed and she can't wait to come back. She really seemed like she was changing, and growing.
Then her grandfather had a sudden accident, and was on his death bed back home. We drove the 7 hours in the middle of the night to be at the hospital. It was extremely hard on her, considering he was the only positive male role model in her life. I could tell she wanted to stay down there, and she expressed to me she did and wanted me to stay with her. We both agreed we'd save money and work down there, then move back to my homestate (her idea). WHAT A MiSTAKE. We moved in with her selfish mother, and things changed real quick. The first night there, they got into it about my exes past and her mother kept saying "You need to get over it, what did you want me to do, i was pregnant and had no where to go". (She stayed with this guy for 5 years after he molested her). And that night, instead of duking it out like she usually would, she walked away. BECAUSE SHE WAS USED TO LIVING IN A LOVING HOME. Her mother tried following her still yelling, and I stopped her and told her to let her be.
I knew that night things were going to be hard for the both of us. We sucked it up, got full time jobs, and continued on. Even though the household was warped, and there was always drama, we managed to keep "Us" together. Her mother is a drug abuser, would have 3 diff men on diff nights, come over 2-3 am just for sex, then leave. It was disgusting.
I'll let it be known her mother "likes me as a person", but doesn't "agree with our relationship", because I'm trans. She'd openly admit it, and when I wasn't around would say things like "How can you be with him, he doesn't even have a real penis". T was constantly having to stick up for me. She'd cry, she'd yell, and then come to me saying "I don't understand, I know she likes you, why can't she just let me be happy". T had been in numerous abusive relationships before me, and it showed. She had extremely bad mood swings. She was very very jealous, obsessive, etc. Which makes sense considering she never really dealt with her past.
So come late July, completely out of the blue, I come home from work to find T on the couch in the dark in tears. She told me she wanted to stay in LA, and wanted me to stay with her. I couldn't. I couldn't stand living in that house, and in all the drama. We cried, held eachother, and 2 days later I left. Drove the 7 hours back to my mothers. She convinced me to try another "long distance" thing, but we both knew it wouldn't work. The second night I was back at my moms, she phoned late night, telling me she made a mistake and wanted to come with me after all. She was hysteric. I believed her. A week later, she called and told me she was enrolled in school down there (which I later found out was a lie). That was the end of it.
I'd never in my life felt so much pain. I wasn't used to being dumped, I wasn't used to having real feelings. And it killed me inside. It just didn't make sense, things were always so good between us. Nonetheless, I thought that was it. We didn't talk for a week, I forced myself not to call her. She slowly started calling again, constantly questioning me. About what I was doing, who I was talking to, if Id met anyone new bla bla bla. She'd have her nights where she'd call in tears, saying she missed me. Then the next day could care less. There was even a night she called in tears saying "Why did you agree to move down here, if you would of said no I would of came with you". Like it was MY fault LOL.
All the while she kept telling me she hadnt met anyone, still loved me, and new no one could compare to me. Yeaaaah whatever. 2 months go by, and my step sister in law calls and says she's filming a movie (she's a independent producer), it was a feature film. She needed a production assistant and said she'd pay me for a month. Said I could live rent free down there, and after the movie was done she'd help me find a place there (SanFran). I agreed. The DAY BEFORE I was to leave, I get a call from T, she knows Im going down to her "aunts" and obviously new she was about to be caught in a lie. She breaks down crying telling me she has something to tell me, but she doesn't want to cuz she knows I would never talk to her again. I ALREADY KNEW. I said "You're pregnant aren't you". She just sobs.
It wasn't the fact she was pregnant, it was the fact she lied for 2 months. Stringing me along, while she was dating some abusive loser down there all the while. In a nice calm voice I said "Congrats, I wish you the best, and really hope things work out for you" and hung up. She called back hysteric saying thigns like "You dont think I WISH this was yours?! The first thing I thought about when I found out was how I was going to tell you!" Oh, thanks for thinking of me.
I knew I needed to have a clear head to go start working on this movie. I got down there, and T would nto stop calling my phone. Still telling me she loves me, didn't want to be with this guy bla bla. Well a week later, I find out she had moved in with him. I LITERALLY laughed. She found out I knew and tried to call ME with attitude LOL. I laughed in her face and said 'Honestly, I'm not mad, and I wish you well" and hung up.
That was the end of it. I didn't hear from her for 2-3 weeks. On set one day, with nothing to do while filming was goin on, I was taking a nap. My phone rings "Unknown" i pick up, and guess who it is. She's calm, and just asks how I have been. We chit chat for a minute, and she just asks "Can I come see you". I said "Come see me for what T, it's been over with". She tells me she just "needs" to, a lot has been going on, and she just wants to see me. Stupid me, lets her.
She comes up 2 weeks later. The movie had wraped the night before, and I was COMPLETELY hung over, having to pick her up at the airport at 7 am. I sit by baggage claim, trying not to discharge lastnights intake, and see her come walked. It had been 4 months since I had seen her. I walk up right behind her, she turns around, and we just hugged. For a good 5 minutes, didn't say a word to eachother. It felt good, in a weird I wanted to punch her in the face kind of way.
We go out to dinner that night. Start talking about life. I ask her how she's been, bla bla bla. I look up at her, and she's just staring at me with tears rolling down her face. I ask what's wrong, and she tells me hwo sorry she is for what has happened. How sorry she is for letting me leave LA. That she had never felt so close to someone, and no one had ever made her as happy as I had, and it scared her. How she wanted to just "forget about me" and didn't want to "need" someone. And how the day I drove away she knew she made a mistake, but she forced herself to let go. How being with that other guy was a way to get over me, but the whole time she couldnt' stop thinking about me.
She told me there was one night she got upset in the couple weeks we hadn't talked. And broke down because she thought she'd never hear from me again. And remembered me telling her while we were together, the first face I want to see when I wake up from chest surgery, is hers. She cried harder saying "I thought I'd miss that Jay, I dont want to miss that, I want to be there".
I was reluctent to all of this. I told her the past is the past, but I still didn't know what would come of us, that I was hurt. She understood. We hung out the next 4 days. Had sex, kissed, cuddled, whatever. The day before she was to leave, we sat down and talked. Her whole family wanted her to have an abortion. Her "baby daddy" didn't want to be a "daddy". She asked me what I thought, I told her the choice was hers. That I wasn't going to get involved, and whatever she decided to do I'd support her. I asked her in her perfect world what she'd do. And she told me she'd have the baby and be with me.
That completely threw me off, and I stuck to my "Pro choice" remark. She went home, started calling numerous times throughout the day. And decided to have an abortion. At this point, I REALLY wasn't comfortable with the situation, but couldn't just leave her hanging either. She got home from it, was completely distraught of course, and called me. I didn't know what to say, but tried my best to just listen.
This brings us to early Dec. I bought a plane ticket to come back to Minnesota for the holidays to see my dad and friends, and she voiced she wanted to go. So we got her a ticket too (She came after xmas). Things were going really good, and I made sure to keep my guard up a little. She came for the New Year, we had an absolute BLAST. Went to a very popular gay club here new years eve, danced, watched a drag show, lived it up. We spent a week together. During this time she started telling me how she wanted to move with me. She was FOR SURE. I ended up getting stuck here over the holidays (another long story LOL), so she was planning on moving here March.
She went home. Things continued looking up for us. Everyday she would call, we'd laugh, things were good. Her mom started in on her again about the whole "Why do you want to be with THAT" thing. She called one night pretty upset, crying, telling me her mom just keeps on, and how she hated when her or anyone else talks about me like that. But we were still on the same page. Everyday I'd hear "I love you so much!". Me and this girl, through everything, have been best friends since we reunited.
First month in Feb, I noticed she started back to her old ways. Using drugs everyday all day, and I started to think she was doing coke again. She'd act super weird on the phone, like I didnt even know who I was talking to. She started not calling at night, til the next day cuz she'd come home too messed up to call the night before. Her mom busted her one night walkin in the door drunk and on muscle relaxers. I confronted her about it, and told her I wasn't going to do this again. She'd be good for a day or two and do it again.
I got fed up one night she didn't call. Called her hosue a couple times, and left a message simply saying "I hope you had a good night, Im done playing games with you T, don't bother calling back". She called nonstop from 2am til 9am. Finally I answered, she's crying, telling me she's sorry. A lot is going on, she's stressed out, bla bla bla. (We had planned on her coming for Vday before all this). We talk for a couple hours, she promises she'll quit. So we get her the ticket like Feb 3rd to come the 14th. Once again, a few days she's good, and it starts again. If she did call at night, she was too twacked out to even comprehend what I was saying.
I was no longer feeling pain from it, I was pissed. 3 nights before she was to come here, she called me in the morning. We started talking normal, and she broke down again. Telling me she's sorry for the way she's been acting, and she knows sorry means nothing to me, that she will SHOW me she'll change. She seemed so stressed out from her mom and everything else there, I believed her. THE NEXT NIGHT, I call her ask if she found a ride to the airport yet. She said no, so I told her I found a shuttle that she could take. She was quiet. And I could tell she was high. She told me she had started taking xnanax. 5 minutes into the convo she sounded like she'd just drank a bottle of vodka.
I was done. I just said 'Quit with the bull->-bleeped-<-, if you dont want to come, just tell me that QUIT LYING". She says "I can't see you right now". I don't get it, at all. I understand she's bi polar, and tramatized from her past, but ...you have someone willing to love you no matter what, and you dont care?
She wouldn't tell me WHY. she just said "I haven't found anyone else, I love you so much, I jsut cant see you right now". I was fed up. I lost it and said "You wanna know what T, Im done" and hung up. I haven't heard from her since, this was last Sunday.
I haven't cried. I don't hurt like I did the first time this BS happened, Im just confused. Did she come back cuz she was SOBER for once, and actually realized she loved me? Or does she just LOVE the way I make her feel?
I'm sorry this is so long. I can't really talk to many friends about this, because the people that DO know about me are extremley protective of me and will just say "You deserve better, leave her alone".
I know that. I know I deserve a lot better than how she is when she's like this. But I want to understand. Beneath all the drugs, and hard shell she has around herself to keep pain out, she's a beautiful person. She has an extremely big heart. I don't doubt that she doesn't love me, I just don't understand why she keeps pushing me away. And sometimes find myself blaming it on me being Trans.
I HATE doing that, because I KNOW I'm a good person. And she never had a problem with my issues. She was the only girl to ever see me fully naked, and she even named my two parts..."Manboobs" and "Mangina". We'd laugh about it all the time.
I just want to understand.
Thank you to all in advance for actually reading this novel, lol.
