Hor-Motions

[KelliTGirl]

I just sat here for 2 minutes debating what to label this post. There's so much running through my head at the moment....I'm going to encompass alot....

First off...I started Premarin yesterday....and it feels like the best thing, and the worst thing. I'm extremely sappy right now....and just want to bawl....and I'm not sure why. I can feel alot more intensly it seems like...at in one respect, it's the best thing in the world...but at the same time...it feels different. Having a feeling of inner-peace...but also feeling overwhelmed.

I've been having moments of being completely ecstatic about being trans....and becoming the girl that I beleive I am. And I truly think that internal acceptance only happens in small doses. Each step I take towards becoming myself...the scarier it gets. But in the same respect, it's incredibly freeing. That's what I mean when I say that being trans is the best and the worst at times.

And I have tastes of both of those worlds. But right now...I'm just sitting here...scared as hell. Scared as hell because I'm recognizing the sacrifices that have to be made. I'm seeing the risks involved in what I may have to leave behind. And it scares the hell out of me. Sometimes I question....Is it REALLY worth it? RIght now I want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world....and not face the many realities that are ME.

The many realities that are ME don't neccessarily only involve being trans...but involve the deceit that we live with for so long. The deceit that we tolerate...all to free ourselves. It seems as though we trap ourselves, and then have to fight even harder to become free. We are born into a lie...and perpetuate that lie all throughout our lives. For me...the reality of The Lie...and the many lies surrounding it...are just freaking unbearable.

In those moments when we just want to let go...and fall....what do we do? We reach out....and sit here...and type word after word until it passes.

I want the fear to pass so badly...I feel desparate.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hey there,

I can understand your fears...

And I have tastes of both of those worlds. But right now...I'm just sitting here...scared as hell. Scared as hell because I'm recognizing the sacrifices that have to be made. I'm seeing the risks involved in what I may have to leave behind. And it scares the hell out of me. Sometimes I question....Is it REALLY worth it? RIght now I want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world....and not face the many realities that are ME.

I had/have them as well.  One that I've gotten over and moved on with is the fact that my wife's brother has disowned us and doesn't want to see us anymore.  At first we were a little shocked and saddened by this.  But you know something, we got over it.  If that's the way he feels about us, how does he feel about others who may not fit into his idea of what is normal.  We are now doing quite well without him. 

The other fear we have is our daughter.  She is our only child, our pride and joy    The problem is although I am out to her and she knows all about me, she hasn't been able to get her head around it.  She still visits, phones, and is great, but she doesn't want to see me any other way but as her dad.  My wife thinks we should give her an ultimatum, that she has to meet Stephanie.  I'm a little torn with this as she may reject us both completely.  Just one of those decisions we are going to have to make and prepare to live with the consequences of that decision.

Just my thoughts,

Steph

Fear of the unknown - it's a hard battle huh!

[Cassandra]

Ditto Steph. Gosh Kelli, everday it's something else something new something old, something blue sounds like getting married. But that's kind of what it is, for better or for worse. It's scary it's elating and the hormones just add to the emotional mood swings. You get more emotional, subject to unexplained moments of b...thiness. Trust me when I say you are not the only palm tree on the island.


Hugs,

Cassie

[beth]

hello Kelli,


          i doubt very much that the premarin is causing mood changes after one day.  when i started HRT i immediately felt lots better but it was because i was finally starting to do something about my transsexuality. i havent really felt a change in the way i act or feel, but occasionally my partner will laugh at something i say or do and she will say "it's the hormones!"

           i think we all have the terrible fear. life in this time and this society make it so very hard to be transsexual, whether unmitigated or transitional. life for us is unbelievably hard and those of us pre transition or in transition do not even comprehend how very hard it has been for those that have completed transition.   ignoring our condition or trying to live with it hidden causes dibilitating depression. when i was depressed and suicidal i wrote a poem showing exactly how i felt. now when i feel the fear, i read the poem and realize that nothing regarding transition is as hard as facing death on a daily basis.

           many of the things we see as sacrifices never materialize. people we fear will leave us stay, things seem to work themselves out eventually. i think a little fear is good, if i wern't afraid i would worry that i was crazy. ther are so many beautiful things to look forward to also Kelli, like living your life exactly as you were meant to.


beth

[AllisonY2K]

Scared as hell because I'm recognizing the sacrifices that have to be made. I'm seeing the risks involved in what I may have to leave behind.

..may..have to leave behind. You may not have to leave things behind. Some things, yes, I had to leave behind..some easy to leave (trivial things), some not as easy (family), but they had to be done in order to move forward.