Hopes of transition keeping you from dying?

[Kyle_S]

Hey, so I've been suicidal for the last few years and have made a few pretty good attempts. Just life circumstances getting to me and such.
But since I came to know myself more and started to really think hard about transition for the past 2.5 years, its been overwhelming thoughts about what if I never get a chance to do it?
That makes me panic and throws me into bad states and aggressiveness. It makes me want out of life to avoid being stuck like...this forever.
Yet at the same time, the hope that I may transition someday if I work hard enough is the ONLY thing keeping me alive. Not friends, not family, not anything but transition.
I'm going to try to find a therapist to help keep the bad thoughts away so I can do this, but I wanted to know if anyone else has ever experienced the same push to die, yet pull to live because of being trans?   

[Wylleau]

What you have described is extremely similar to how I have felt for at least two years. 

For me, I don't truly believe that death promises anything other than an end to us. From that perspective, I figure as long as I can bear the feelings that fill this time in my life, it's just kind of silly for me to act on any of those thoughts, as there is overwhelming evidence to support that one day I can actually be free of much of what distresses me, saddens me, and tires me out these days. If I were to act on those thoughts, this is all my life would ever have been, and I would be complicit in cheating myself out of happiness.

The other big thing that stops me is an honest comprehension of what it would be like for those around me in the wake of my doing that to myself. One of my group of friends essentially killed himself.  To make a long story short, he had a time when hope that had been denied him came into his life due to medical advances, but sadly it did not work for him. He lost all hope and went into doing nothing but drugs and playing video games, I believe, fairly positive actually, to just get what he could out of what was left til his health gave out. We all still feel that to this day, as you might expect. For one of us to do it suddenly and quite obviously purposely would just be adding pain to the rest of our lives. No way around that.

So for now, I am really living for them, until I hopefully find my way out of this pit and into the sunlight for what will surely feel like the first time.

[Lily]

It is the only thing keeping me alive.

[lilacwoman]

therapists are well aware of this transition or suicide aspect of TSs and depending on the person's whole life situation it will arrive sooner or later which is why statistics are that most TS have one or more serious suicide attempts.
(sme shrinks take suicide attempst to mean we have mental problems and try to prevent us getting the only cure known to work so it may be best not to use the suicide word with therapists but use depressed instead.)
how many make successful attempts isn't well known as lots of families cover up the real reason due to shame or transphobia about having a TS in the family.
if you're getting really suicidical its time ot seek some effective therapy.

[supremecatoverlord]

I felt prompted to transition as my dysphoria continued to worsen, because I knew this sort of thinking was ultimately where I would end up if I kept such a large part of me bottled up and almost felt as if I was forced to act like it didn't exist. Then again, bottling up anything for too long is generally unhealthy and that is often the plight of feeling like you're born in wrong body...there's something integrated in our society that suggests we should be ashamed of it, even though its out of our control, because it's technically a "major flaw". I don't "pull through" because I'm trans, but because I believe there's a chance I can make things better for myself and others. I'm kind of curious as to how old you are though Kyle, because I was once in a point in my life where I really wanted to transition, but I was also still in high school. Supposedly my state does let a trans-person begin HRT prior to their eighteenth birthday, even with my parents' consent. There was a point where I was just forced to wait, and be constantly misgendered, not taken seriously, and work through my struggles without the helping hand of a friend. It might seem like a long time, but if it's something you want more than anything in the world, I try to think of it as something that's worth waiting for - that gratification of finally feeling more like you always thought you should.

[Kelly J. P.]

 I don't know if I would have killed myself if I found out I couldn't transition, but at the very least, my life as a man would only be comfortable if I could justify it by viewing myself as a martyr; if I could not live happily, at least I could forfeit my happiness and dreams in the hopes that I could help others find fulfillment. I would help the trans community, living my life as one big sacrifice.

The hope of transitioning didn't keep me alive on its own... but it did prevent me from going insane.

[Kyle_S]

JasonRX, I'm 22 so yeah, I'm old enough to transition on my own...but being that I'm the financial provider for myself, my mother and brother, Its been getting increasingly difficult since I was 19 to do anything to help myself. I want to move, but I'm not sure if I can ever work a good enough job to support two households then, with no education.

I'm glad everybody has pulled through their journeys and have remained strong, when many probably would have given up..

[SandraJane]

Simply put...YES!

I have suffered  more episodes of Suicidal Idealization-basically one step away, in the past 6 months than I ever have in my entire life. Why? I believe it was due to the feeling of being overwhelmed with what lay in front of me, and the fear of being insane, and worse...seeing my life as a Woman but not able to get to live it. It challenges the way one has been thinking and living,and the anxiety of living the wrong gender and the stress of trying to correct ones body and life can snap you like a twig.

Whatever one calls it, Dyshporia, anxiety, depression, etc...its often survive or die. Sounds pretty harsh, but that is what I have experienced and why Transitionong is my hope.

[SandraJane]

Kyle, its easy for someone to tell you not lose faith or hope, but find a way. In a way you have transitioned, you are in the classic Male role of breadwinner for your immediate family. Sure there is more to it, but this is one of the roles we expect Men to fulfill. Something to think about.

Plus, for whatever its worth...your avatar pic...Clean cut, fresh scrubbed  hard working Mid-Western "Farm Boy", serious!

[Kyle_S]

SandraJane,
I know what you mean about having worse episodes. I don't sleep much anymore. It gets to me, and then I have to come here or go get some inspiration from the great guys on youtube. Watching their 1 year vids have, at different times, made me hopeless for myself and other times, filled me with the strength I need to make it. I'm at my breaking point now. Thats why I'm pushing transition so hard NOW. Other people may think its rushed, but I have to do this. I have started social transition now. Its already proving to be difficult, in that today, I FINALLY got my name change certificate and new birth certificate. When I went to my bank to change my name on my account, one of the two women that was helping me and asked how much trouble I had with it (after I said "I just filled out the forms, they sent it in, and I got it today"😉 actually had the audacity to say to me "Since its so easy, you might want to change it back next year" with a smile even. Seriously? EASY?!? Sure, legal aspect was easy, but its going to be a lot harder socially. Distinctly male name. And I have no plans to change it back. And the woman at the post office, kept trying to ignore my now legal name and proceed with my old one. I had to tell her several times, and point to my name change cert over and over. She scowled at me the whole interaction. I'm going to go full time, which means at work as well. 

And yes, I have several male roles. Home and work. I'm also the only "female" bagger (pushing all the grocery carts into the store and such)
Glad I look decent 🙂 its kinda funny I look country....I'm from Central Newfoundland and Labrador lol  xD

[Embla]

I can't say much other than this is also how I feel.  I also feel that "transition" never will end (I'll always be transgendered no matter what route life takes, no matter how much I change or learn, no matter how sucessful I become), but once I and others reach the point where we are living 24/7, I think we can start to be truly happy.  That will be when we've made it, and reached the life we need so badly to live.

hugs,
Embla

[Wylleau]

Congratulations on getting your name change and birth certificate.  😀

[Diamonds_Pearls28]

Yes I know the feeling. I am still pre-transition and likely will be for at least a little while longer and every day is a struggle. It is an awful feeling looking in the mirror and wondering if this all you'll ever be. It terrifies me to be honest. If someone were to tell me authoritatively that it will never happen that I'm doomed to be this way forever OMG I'd probably end up doing something irreversible. The past 21 years have been hard enough, I don't think I could take another round. I just constantly have to remind myself that that is not the case and that one day very soon it will happen for me because I am determined to make it happen.

[Joelene9]

I don't know if I would have killed myself if I found out I couldn't transition, but at the very least, my life as a man would only be comfortable if I could justify it by viewing myself as a martyr; if I could not live happily, at least I could forfeit my happiness and dreams in the hopes that I could help others find fulfillment. I would help the trans community, living my life as one big sacrifice.

The hope of transitioning didn't keep me alive on its own... but it did prevent me from going insane.

All of the above here!  I lived my life with these feelings.  A lonely one at that.
  Joelene

[RhinoP]

If transitioning became illegal (in terms of FFS/Hormone Therapy/SRS) I'd literally kill myself, no questions asked. I'm very serious about it in a not-really-morbid-but-just-accepting-of-my-feelings-toward-it way.

[Lynn]

If transitioning became illegal (in terms of FFS/Hormone Therapy/SRS) I'd literally kill myself, no questions asked. I'm very serious about it in a not-really-morbid-but-just-accepting-of-my-feelings-toward-it way.

I would too, wouldn't even have to think about it tbh, because I have thought about it a lot in the past and would have done it if I hadn't found the information that I have now.

It's just the way it is, and I am glad it didn't turn out that way!

[therewolf]

I am not a Kate Bornstein fan at all, but the last time I heard her speak she said (paraphrasing--can't remember the exact quote) that when you feel like you want to die, what it means is that there's a part of yourself that needs to die so that the rest of you can live and be healthy. I've thought about that since when I feel like dying, and it helps.

[Kyle_S]

therewolf, I like that. I think it sums it up nicely, and def a good thing to remember sometimes 🙂

[Arch]

My therapist once asked me what I thought had kept me going all those years--what kept me from committing suicide?

I really didn't know. The will to live? Sheer stubbornness? Fear of dying? I came up with these reasons later, after I had had time to think about the question. While I was in session, I only said in a small voice, "Hope?" It was almost a question, and I hated myself for always having that pathetic hope that someday I would have the guts to change. It just went on and on, with no end in sight. What a chump.

But there WAS still a little hope there. For one thing, I took pride in my male name. And even when I was back in the closet, I couldn't help taking offense when people called me "she"; for a brief moment I would imagine a day when nobody would do that anymore. I still had the expensive sweaters I'd bought and tucked away several years before, for the day when I didn't have cleavage to stretch them out of shape. When people read me as male, I dreaded speaking and destroying the moment with my girly voice.

And I think that, deep down, I was horrified at the idea of dying as a woman.

[Kyle_S]

My therapist once asked me what I thought had kept me going all those years--what kept me from committing suicide?

I really didn't know. The will to live? Sheer stubbornness? Fear of dying? I came up with these reasons later, after I had had time to think about the question. While I was in session, I only said in a small voice, "Hope?" It was almost a question, and I hated myself for always having that pathetic hope that someday I would have the guts to change. It just went on and on, with no end in sight. What a chump.

But there WAS still a little hope there. For one thing, I took pride in my male name. And even when I was back in the closet, I couldn't help taking offense when people called me "she"; for a brief moment I would imagine a day when nobody would do that anymore. I still had the expensive sweaters I'd bought and tucked away several years before, for the day when I didn't have cleavage to stretch them out of shape. When people read me as male, I dreaded speaking and destroying the moment with my girly voice.

And I think that, deep down, I was horrified at the idea of dying as a woman.

I completely understand you, Arch. It now hurts me inside when I get she'd. Like someone has dug a knife in me. I also avoid speaking when read as male. Its getting to that unbearable point now. I catch myself having to remind myself that people sometimes aren't seeing the guy I see.....but a young woman 🙁