For transitioned members who feel they don't quite 'blend in' !

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,

There's been a lot of talk about 'passing verses not passing' lately...The fact of the matter is  there are some transsexual people who will always carry the 'trans' label, that is will[to some extent-some more than others] be trans-identifiable...

Would finding a 'loving' relationship with either a trans or cis person who loves you for who you are, compensate for not quite blending in ?

Would it give you strength and peace of mind ? [A way/means of coping with the daily social pressures]

They say "Love conquers all !"...Does it ?

Food for thought...

BTW even those who haven't quite transitioned yet but feel they won't quite 'blend in' might also like to comment on the above...


Metta Zenda

[Just Shelly]

When it comes to acquaintances, I have some that know and some that don't. I feel more relaxed talking and being with someone that knows. I feel like I am deceiving the ones that don't and its so easy to screw up in a conversation.

As far as a loving relationship, I probably don't have to worry about that!!! If for some reason someone was interested in me, my past would definatly be told.

[Jen61]

Kia Ora,
There's been a lot of talk about 'passing verses not passing' lately...The fact of the matter is  there are some transsexual people who will always carry the 'trans' label, that is will[to some extent-some more than others] be trans-identifiable...

Would finding a 'loving' relationship with either a trans or cis person who loves you for who you are, compensate for not quite blending in ?

Would it give you strength and peace of mind ? [A way/means of coping with the daily social pressures]

Metta Zenda

Most of the time it does not bother me, I get a Sir every now and then specially when I speak.

A loving relationship will help with the GID as well aswith the rest of my baggage

I get my strenght and peace of mind from G-d.

[Jeneva]

I find it helps TONS.  I know I am female, she knows I am female, our children do.  If some random stranger decided I am not then why do I care?  Now that is somewhat tongue in cheek, because there are reasons to care what they think (safety).  If we accept ourselves and a close set of "chosen" family accept us then why do we care what the rest of the world thinks?  My wife often stops others from further chuckles or comments after just the first sound because she gives them her teacher gaze.

But I'm in a bit of a special situation.  I work at home most days.  I only am out in public 3-4 times a week and only for a few hours at a time.  Further my phone voice has always been on the borderline.  Even before I was out to myself I usually got a ma'am on the phone.  I did 1 week of telemarketing the summer between finishing my BS and starting my MS since I couldn't work at the university.  Before i quit because I was told to lie and take advantage of people, I always got ma'am and miss.  Now unless I am somewhat horse or too congested I get it constantly.  It is funny, my in person voice doesn't pass nearly as well, but something about "proper phone etiquette" that was drilled into me when I was young makes my voice sound feminine.

Part of the help of a partner who loves you for who you are is that when you have been given such a wonderful gift how can you let the little things bother you too much without being ungrateful.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,

Thanks for your responses so far...

I guess the aim of this thread is to point out that ' physically passing' as ones preferred gender is without question a good thing... However it is not the be all and end all...For some, to be in a loving relationship and be 'accepted' regardless of how they might present to the rest of society, is just as important...

I'm sure that as trans-people we 'all' would like to blend in as our preferred gender and have main stream society accept us as such...But we can't always get what we want and have to make do with what we have !

Would/could you cope/survive on 'love' alone ?

Or would you prefer 'looks' over love ?[That is, look the part but find it difficult to have a loving relationship for 'fear' of your past being discovered] 

I hope you all find peace and contentment in whatever form it takes...

Metta Zenda

[Pippa]

I doubt I would pass a close inspection but I haven't had many problems out and about.  If you go with an attitude that you don't give a fig what the rest of the world thinks then you don't seem to get bothered.  My voice is my biggest hang up.  I desperately want to sound and look feminine but the sound part is proving difficult.

[Kristin]

Would finding a 'loving' relationship with either a trans or cis person who loves you for who you are, compensate for not quite blending in ?

Would it give you strength and peace of mind ? [A way/means of coping with the daily social pressures]

They say "Love conquers all !"...Does it ?

Food for thought...

BTW even those who haven't quite transitioned yet but feel they won't quite 'blend in' might also like to comment on the above...

In that last category. EDIT: Haven't transitioned yet, but not sure whether or not I'll blend in. [I hadn't read that paragraph closely enough before responding.] I think the fact that I am exploring this now is because I have a loving relationship and, yes, a place where I know I am accepted, so that it doesn't matter quite so much whether or not the world will.

When I was single, I had considered it. I may have eventually been forced to transition, but it would have been kicking and screaming, since I was in a small town where everybody knew me, largely rural area where I didn't expect much acceptance, and I worried (still do) about my parents accepting how I feel and how I'd respond. Without feeling sure I would have anybody in my corner, I couldn't face the fight to be me and be seen as me. Now... it's at least on the table.

[Jeneva]

I guess the aim of this thread is to point out that ' physically passing' as ones preferred gender is without question a good thing... However it is not the be all and end all...For some, to be in a loving relationship and be 'accepted' regardless of how they might present to the rest of society, is just as important...

I'm sure that as trans-people we 'all' would like to blend in as our preferred gender and have main stream society accept us as such...But we can't always get what we want and have to make do with what we have !

Would/could you cope/survive on 'love' alone ?

Or would you prefer 'looks' over love ?[That is, look the part but find it difficult to have a loving relationship for 'fear' of your past being discovered] 

And I think this thread is well timed.  There have been a lot of comments coming from people where they must pass in order to consider transition.  The acceptance of yourself and those close to you is so much more valuable than the acceptance of the world.

And in terms of surviving on love or choosing looks over love, the universe IS love.  Love is the Divine. 

Or to put it in a way more familiar to some people: "God is Love." 

If you accept yourself (or love yourself) then you are more in sync with the universe and the Divine.  Without a connection to the spark of the Divine inside yourself how can you thrive? 

Or perhaps I can say it this way: "but have no love, I am nothing." 

Even the smallest connection to your inner spark of the Divine is enough to sustain you until the end of time itself.  Sure we want more, but we can made do and are hardly even slumming it when we do.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,

When I first transitioned one of the most important things for me was to have the acceptance of my children, [even if I didn't blend in in the eyes of society as my preferred gender] what happens/ed with society after receiving my children's acceptance was for the most part irrelevant, and only by good fortune do I blend in and also have the unconditional love of my children ...

So I'm guessing something similar would be on the minds of those who have yet to transition with children/partners...

Metta Zenda  

[Jen61]

Kia Ora,

When I first transitioned one of the most important things for me was to have the acceptance of my children, [even if I didn't blend in in the eyes of society as my preferred gender] what happens/ed with society after receiving my children's acceptance was for the most part irrelevant, and only by good fortune do I blend in and also have the unconditional love of my children ...

So I'm guessing something similar would be on the minds of those who have yet to transition with children/partners...

Metta Zenda

Right on the money Girl ! I was so hesitant and afraid, somehow the boys had already let me know that it was "not big deal with them," but my girls, specially the youngest was a source of much anxiety, remorse and guilt. But what you know, she is my stunchest defender, and yet she is the smallest of all (5ft 8 '). When I am out with her and somebody is taring at me, she looks at them and stick her tong out  or make a gesture as if she was going to poke their eyes. 

Now, more often than not, I always go out with my older boys (6ft 2' and 6ft 0'), then nobody stares at me 

[Just Shelly]

Kia Ora,

When I first transitioned one of the most important things for me was to have the acceptance of my children, [even if I didn't blend in in the eyes of society as my preferred gender] what happens/ed with society after receiving my children's acceptance was for the most part irrelevant, and only by good fortune do I blend in and also have the unconditional love of my children ...

So I'm guessing something similar would be on the minds of those who have yet to transition with children/partners...

Metta Zenda

This is so true!

My children have accepted me to the point that gave me much more confidance to progress my transition further.

Sometimes though I feel just because my children are so accepting doesn't mean everyone will.

An example somewhat unrelated but I feel its a good example of how accepting or just knowing can change someones perspective.

Before I came out to my children I was getting missed, ma'med, her, quite a bit with and without them. I finally had to tell them to watch the dad thing when we're together because of the pronouns(broke my heart at the time) My children kind of gave me that look "ok whatever" even though they heard the female pronouns themselves they just ignored it. During this time I would ask "I'm not looking to girly, am I? they would be "like ya sure whatever" to them meaning NO!

The minute I came out to them I would ask the same question at times because I didn't want to embarrass them as I wasn't out to everyone. They would give me the same answer but meaning the opposite in that I am not doing a good job looking male. I didn't change a thing! Even my voice didn't seem different to them until I talked in my previous voice, shocked the hell out of my youngest and ME! for that matter.

I think what opened my childrens eyes was that they were finally paying attention and now noticing that I am accepted and treated like a female most of the time. It's just they were blind to it before. I try to hope that people in general would come to be accepting after finding this out also.

Shelly

[Keaira]

I'm at this fine point right now where I feel I can just about pass successfully And have actually done so. But at work, I think HELL NO!
I can get very few people to use the right pronouns of even my name. And I'm told by a friend that when new hires come in, I'm one of the first things they hear about. And I'm  sick and tired of it. I'm holding out for at least one more year so that I have a better chance of passing, get hair removal, etc. And then I will look elsewhere for employment.