mmh havent been here in, what? 2 years (well, nearly
)?
i miss you people
oh and it case you dont remember me, there should still be a lengthy introduction somewhere
(also very surprised my account survived the purge)
the last 2 years have been pretty calm in relation to gender disphoria (just some fantasies here and there, imagining a possible future... well ok i thought about it every day, but i never got too depressed). School has gotten harder (duh, last 2 school years and the final exams obvious that it gets harder) though i seem to be working less for it (almost havent done any homework in a loooong time). Still get depressed at social gatherings (ah god how jealous i feel when i see girls being girls and being treated as such...). Parents are still completely oblivous to what i think and feel, supposing always the worst of me... (though they still think i rarely lie. pah, my lifes a lie) at least im starting to stand up to myself and actually demand some respect...
if everything goes like planned and some university in germany accepts me, after summer ill be living in germany studying and "free" from parents to do whatever i feel like. (this also means that i should start to do some research on transition in germany).
also ive been playing lots of video games, watching a lot of movies and read a bunch of books. keeps the mind off unhappy thoughts. oh yes, im also 18 now! yay for liberty and that crap that was promised and still not yet given to me. Also as a TS its sooo horrible getting on your birthday phone calls from an almost unending number of relatives telling you how you have become a MAN now... *sigh*
also there have been some very bad experiences, namely my grandmother dieing (and it was certainly not of natural causes... long and complicate story) and a year later my (step)grandfather (it has to do with that long and complicate story). obviously it was horrible for me. But when not directly confronted i just feel like they were still alive... *cough* anyways lets talk about less depressing things
for the last months when i started feeling like coming back here and just start talking. I have been fantasizing a lot, imagining many different situations to see how i feel about things. so far im still convinced that im a transexual who also happens to be bi, but hey fantasy is as reliable as an internet test (imho). I also had dreams, of those that i remember some were about me living as a woman or coming out or transitioning. Somehow i felt like those were the best moments in my life... and they were only dreams. ok ive also been worrying about my appearance. My face and my body just look too male, heck my shoesize is enormous, and my hands are probably the biggest i know. but i should not worry, i cannot give up because of a silly thing like this
.
anyways ive been crossdressing now and then. somehow i have difficulties at wearing female clothes for longer than a day. actually i know why. Its not my clothes so its rather hard finding something that i actually like and look "good" in. then theres my constant paranoia of someone coming home and im still in girl mode (neighbours arriving next door and the mailman and random religious people of some sect ringing the doorbell dont help). and then theres the thought of the futility of all that. Sure im dressed like a woman. and i do feel like one, but well its just that, me sitting closed at home in female clothes. Id love to go out there and do something with friends in girl mode or just walk about or go shop, but im just not ready for it (nor is my ever deeper voice...argh). But yesterday it was actually different. i worried less about people coming, i found the perfect clothes, i actually looked somewhat female in the mirror and i did things that werent sitting in front of a screen watching something. It was such a nice day, and i felt so well, but my parents are coming back, so i have to go back to my old male self. and yes im still enjoying the "insults" that come now and then from classmates for no real reason (calling me a girl or a girls name). lately ive also been talking more to other girls (since about 2nd grade when i moved to another country my stance was just to wait till someone comes to speak to me and they would become my friends... and yeah that means that i rarely talked more than a sentence per day with girls).
well nice to just talk a bit say a lengthy "hello im back for a while" and listen to wise words and tips of those who have already gotten farer (in transition and life
)
