I Get Excited Even Thinking About The Possibilities?

[Cody Jensen]

I've come to realize that I get excited even just thinking about the possibility of a sex change surgery and going on hormones. I get excited when I see a warm sunny day and get a bunch of happy visions of being a guy and being able to take off my shirt and feel warmth on a flat chest. Going to a beach, flirting with hotties. Chilling with my cousin (who I don't think will even accept me at the point of me being bi). But then a second voice comes in "you'd never get that far by then. You're a girl anyways". It gets frustrating when in dreams my body is female. And I am playing female parts in acting. So all these thoughts just confuse me. I know they're not just fantasies anymore because I get all passionate about transitioning. But then all the female stuff comes in and family and stuff. My head hurts just thinking about it. I still haven't found a therapist yet so this is going nowhere right now for me. Does anyne else feel like this? I mean like, about all of it?

[Eve87]

I'm not FtM so pardon, but yes, I used to feel like that. Once I learned that this whole transition is actually medically possible I was daydreaming 24/7 and couldn't contain my excitement. But reality (or rather perceived reality) busts our bubbles and smacks us in the face. I was 5"9', muscular, broken voice, studying so no real income. Noone else really understands this transition and how I feel, etc. Family still sees you entirely different as you see yourself. You have to present as something you don't want to. It drags you down and it makes you wonder what you're doing, makes you think it's never going to happen. But it does happen. Just really freaking slowly.
Therapy helps a little.. then hormones help a little.. then laser and electrolysis help a little, then I find myself on the SRS waiting list. They're all tiny steps but the more you take the more you realize you'll get there, full stop. And when happiness is in sight you get a spring in your step and the last parts aren't even that hard anymore.

Your transition path probably looks quite different, but then again maybe not so different. Hang in there

[he who shall not be named]

I do! I daydream about a flat chest and facial hair and clothing finally fitting me right. People calling me "he" and me being able to be a femme-y dude instead of a butchy chick. Being able to date people without feeling uncomfortable when they interact with me like I'm a girl.

I get ~the voice~ too and I doubt myself & feel frustrated. Ah well.

[Cody Jensen]

@Eve87 It's just that I feel torn between my female world and male world and get so freaking confused. The last thing I ever want is to regret transition but then I feel like it's the only thing I want.

[King Malachite]

Yeah man I get like that too all the time.  I too can't wait for the day where I don't have to wear bras or see these 2 jigglypuffs on me.  Often times I find myself grunting "Omg I can't wait to go to Dr. Garramone one day!!!!".  I dream about being able to cosplay male characters without having to worry about those things hanging from my chest like accordings and when I can get a hysterectomy so I don't have to worry about Aunt Flow and when I can finally get bottom surgery and actually enjoy my love life especially by myself.  I even daydream about when I would have to get my blood drawn and the needles even though I am terrified of them because at least I know it's going towards my happiness and hopefully having a partner who can accept me for who I am and help me get through this.  I look in the mirror and envision the man I will become physically.  I imagine myself finally being happy.  I do get thoughts in my head that tells me "Malachite you are about to be a 20 year old with no license, no car, and has never had a job before and still lives with your mom and she basically takes care of you.  You will NEVER be independant!"  I have to tell myself that yes I WILL be more independant and it's going to take off a bit after I graduate college and save up some money.  I WILL transition or I will die trying."  That's just me though.  You will get there if that is what you ultimately want.

[Cody Jensen]

@Malachite yep that pretty much sums me up. Except half the time I hold back because of my frustrating female thoughts. As much as I hate my chest and period. It's probably confusing me because everyone treats me as female and I am unable to live my male life at the moment.

PS I also plan on going to Dr. Garramone

[King Malachite]

Awesome man.  I'm already saving up for him for the top surgery and Mansculpture which is crazy because I can't even see a therapist yet!    I have about $300 to boot.  It's not much but it's better than nothing.  Actually let me go calculate the exact total real quick excuse me.

Ok I'm back....had to finish up this team death match.  I have $340.07 saved.  I'm going to the bank tommorrow to turn some of the wrapped up change into cash because I'm sure he wouldn't have a bunch of coins.     I hope he still does the practice by the time I get it.

[Max]

I've come to realize that I get excited even just thinking about the possibility of a sex change surgery and going on hormones.
[...] But then all the female stuff comes in and family and stuff.

I get excited every day because it's a step closer to living the happy images I can only dream of right now. I also have those down days where my mind tries to drag me down. I think feeling some doubt and/or confusion is normal though. It's partly your mind's way of asking, "Are you sure?" Transition is a huge step after all. Another reason could be that you are lacking confidence in yourself and what you're capable of.

Awesome man.  I'm already saving up for him for the top surgery and Mansculpture which is crazy because I can't even see a therapist yet!    I have about $300 to boot.  It's not much but it's better than nothing. 

It's plenty enough and will continue to grow with time. It's a great start, Malachite. I dig your mindset.

[Cody Jensen]

@Malachite that's great! I'm saving too but idk even about how much I have lol. ...I never considered he would stop doing the surgery though :S he's the most common doctor I've heard of who does it and the result looks really good.

@Max Yeah I mean I know 100% that I want hormones, top surgery, and hell even bottom surgery. That is if I did decide transition is what I want. Probably the one most important thing keeping me female right now is my singing career. I have a girly voice and it goes well with a lot of the songs me and my singing teacher work on. If not for that, I can't imagine my singing career as a male. It's not the only reason why I'm holding back, but a big, main reason. Ok 50% main reason. Other part is family, friends, and their reaction.

[King Malachite]

@Max  Thanks man!  It just seems like if I cut back on things while working that the therapy can be paid more through that.  I would feel odd knowing I now have my letter of recommendation letters etc and have $0.00 to begin on my top surgery.  It would seem to just make the whole trek longer.  Lets hope I don't have to dip into that fund for emergencies and whatnot.

@Cody  I love his results.  He's more of an artist than a surgeon it seems.  I hate when I get paranoid and think "ok I finally got the money" and he announces his retirement from doing that surgery.  That would be just my luck but hey the payout seems nice so hopefully he will do it for many years to come and to benefit many other guys.

Also, if you decide that transitioning is really what you want but you want to keep your girly voice for your singing career then perhaps you can just get the top surgery until you were ready for the hormones?

[Cody Jensen]

@Malachite I dont know whats wrong with me but I cant seem to see myself partly transitioning. I want full hormones and all. This is the other thing too. I can't see myself as both genders. I just want to be one gender. Being two genders upsets and confuses me like hell. (No offense meant to anyone else on here).

[King Malachite]

I can't imagine how it would be like to make a tough decision between transitioning or a dream.  I really wish I knew what to say man.  Maybe be androgynous?

[caseyyy]

I know it makes you nervous, Cody, and it's understandable, but a few years ago Lucas Silveira of The Cliks was saying the same thing, that he didn't want to take T because he was afraid to lose his voice. But he eventually did start T, and with work, his voice sounds excellent, and in my opinion, better than it did pre-T. Look him up on youtube, you'll see what I mean.

[schism]

losing my singing voice was also a concern of mine, but after doing a bunch of research, what trans singers are saying is that you need to take a low dose of testosterone in order to give your vocal chords time to adjust to the changes, and sing every day, through the cracks, as much as you can.  i'll echo what casey said: in my opinion, the singing voices of trans guys who've worked through the transition properly sound better than their pre-t voice.  it just takes care and patience instead of jumping into a heavy dose.  talk to the doctor about it.

[Cody Jensen]

@Malachite thanks man. Ya I posted an entire thread about that before, about how my singing career dream was the one thing holding me back from transition, and how I wouldn't know what to do if I ever had to give up that dream.

@Caseyyy I always wondered how a male singing voice would sound. My fear is that I'll lose all of what I learned for my female voice and have to start back at step 1. Never heard of this Lucas guy, I'll have to look him up.

@schism thanks. If I ever do get to that point in my life where I can transition, I'll keep that in mind. I'm also terrified of the voice cracking, I mean, I'd hate to deal with a sore throat for a year or more until the cracking settles down. Yet another thing holding me back :S

[supremecatoverlord]

I know it makes you nervous, Cody, and it's understandable, but a few years ago Lucas Silveira of The Cliks was saying the same thing, that he didn't want to take T because he was afraid to lose his voice. But he eventually did start T, and with work, his voice sounds excellent, and in my opinion, better than it did pre-T. Look him up on youtube, you'll see what I mean.

Just thought I'd say that Lucas's voice is actually really inspiring to me...it sounds amazing and I'd agree with you that it's possibly even better than his Pre-testosterone voice. I have hopes that maybe I could sound somewhere near that good when my voice is fully developed.

As for right now though, I'm sick and sound like cats on a washboard.
Lulz.

[Lee]

I also have to suggest Coyote Grace for another inspiring transguy voice. 

[supremecatoverlord]

I also have to suggest Coyote Grace for another inspiring transguy voice. 

And thank you for listing the second transguy singer that inspires me.
:p

And no, I don't have anymore.

Indeed, this dude is awesome.

Thanks for posting this, Lee.

[Cody Jensen]

I also have to suggest Coyote Grace for another inspiring transguy voice. 

WOW just listened to his music! Very nice and yes I agree inspiring! I like the rather country feel to it. This makes me feel like if I do transition, I'll still have some music to keep me going, even if I can't sing with my female voice anymore.

[Bishounen]

I've come to realize that I get excited even just thinking about the possibility of a sex change surgery and going on hormones. I get excited when I see a warm sunny day and get a bunch of happy visions of being a guy and being able to take off my shirt and feel warmth on a flat chest. Going to a beach, flirting with hotties. Chilling with my cousin (who I don't think will even accept me at the point of me being bi). But then a second voice comes in "you'd never get that far by then. You're a girl anyways". It gets frustrating when in dreams my body is female. And I am playing female parts in acting. So all these thoughts just confuse me. I know they're not just fantasies anymore because I get all passionate about transitioning. But then all the female stuff comes in and family and stuff. My head hurts just thinking about it. I still haven't found a therapist yet so this is going nowhere right now for me. Does anyne else feel like this? I mean like, about all of it?

Don't know if it is the answer you wanted, but I nonetheless attach the following link as it is atleast a possibility that it may strike a chord in you: http://www.crossdreamers.com/2010/02/autoandrophilia-on-women-who-fantasise.html

It may ofcourse be totally wrong in your case, and I am only mentioning it because you said that you find the mere thought of transitioning and being a guy, exciting, and, yet do not identify as an actual male, from my understanding.

You may ofcourse also be Bigender, or something similar.