"Bullying?"

[GypsySoul]

 Hello All,
  I was just wondering if any of you have had many issues with bullying/discrimination. My MTF spouse is in the process of starting her transition. We live in a SMALL town so I am expecting a bit of "backlash" when she "comes out" . I was just wondering how others have handled the situation when their loved ones are put through these things or when someone "calls you out" about your partner.

  I think I am prepared to handle others ignorance (I deal with a bit of it every day as is) just interested in opinions on how to respond when it becomes a personal attack....   

[Stephe]

You can't act ashamed or let them make you react in that manner. Be cold if they go after you, look them STRAIGHT in the eyes and tell them calmly yet firmly "This really is none of your business" and just walk away. Most bullies can't deal with anyone who stands up to them. They are looking to degrade the other person to make themselves feel better about their own life/self. Don't give them this and they move onto an easier target. If you give this to them, they will never go away. You can't let them see they pushed a button.

You can't force an ignorant bigot to accept this, but you can avoid them tearing you down.

[justmeinoz]

Sometimes small towns can surprise too, and rally round someone faced with a difficulty.  Otherwise I'd just treat them with the cold contempt they deserve.

Karen.

[Jeneva]

Depending on the attitude of the area you may not face anything in person.  We live in a small rural area and no one has said anything to our faces.  Yes there are tons of rumors floating among both families, but no one will say anything to our faces.  We did have a few upfront immediately after coming out from Shannon's immediate family, but the general public not really.

Lots of "concerned" parents call her principal and ask for her to be removed, but he just blew them off because they wouldn't give their names.  He told her the next day that he didn't care because it was a private matter with no impact on her professional work so it just didn't matter.

My side of the family wasn't speaking to me BEFORE I came out because I broke free of their control.  They pretend I don't even exist for the most part.  The ones that are sympathetic do still ask how things are going in private, but in public they have to present a unified front or be exiled too.  Because most of my neighbors are my family members and they pretend I don't exist, we've not had to deal with them directly either.

But yes Karen and Stephe are right, if they do then just give them a cold stare full of contempt and walk away.  We've found that to work best, especially with my family since they want to see me hurting because they won't speak to me.

[Stephe]

Yes there are tons of rumors...

And there will be, but people are gonna find something to talk about anyway. This -is- a pretty juicy one

Like I know this guy down the street who I've known for 20 years has spread rumors that I'm post op "I know she has done it already".. An older neighbor I also have known for 20+ years across the street informed me he told her that and she responded "I could really care less what she has or hasn't done, if she is happier as a woman I'm happy for her". I'm sure more than a few people have discussed my transition but I sure can't worry about what people say behind my back. I've heard nothing negative but who knows.. I also know many of my neighbors and friends in the area are trying to talk me into running for city council here so they must not feel too negative about it. Trying to decide if I really want to expose myself to that.

[tekla]

We live in a small rural area and no one has said anything to our faces do, so we talk about each other all the time.  If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

[Jamie D]

We live in a small rural area and no one has said anything to our faces do, so we talk about each other all the time.  If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

Clever, and sometimes true.  How must it have been in the days of partyline telephones?

[tekla]

I was on a party line, one of the last in Iowa (circa late-70s), and you found out more down at the grocery store, the gas station and Sunday after church than on the party line.

[Jeneva]

Oh, definitely there is a ton of talk, but rarely is someone brave enough to say anything to your face.

My grandparents (who raised me) had a party line and an old rotary dial phone until after I left for college in 1991.  There was this little old biddie down the road that would listen in, but like tekla said it isn't as revealing as other places like the local gas/grocery was where all the men gathered to gossip or the women with their church circle meetings.

[Sephirah]

If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

That's the crux of it. In my experience of living in a very small village, things are only of interest while the gossips and curtain-twitchers still have the ability to say "I know something you don't know!". After that, they move onto pastures new, once there's no one left to hit up with their "sensationalist" news.

It's likely that any rumors or gossip will blow over as soon as the next mildly interesting event happens to someone else. When someone down the street runs off with the milkman, or finds a cornflake shaped like Jesus or whatever, I'm afraid your situation may well be old news.

[ToriJo]

You can't act ashamed or let them make you react in that manner. Be cold if they go after you, look them STRAIGHT in the eyes and tell them calmly yet firmly "This really is none of your business" and just walk away. Most bullies can't deal with anyone who stands up to them. They are looking to degrade the other person to make themselves feel better about their own life/self. Don't give them this and they move onto an easier target. If you give this to them, they will never go away. You can't let them see they pushed a button.

You can't force an ignorant bigot to accept this, but you can avoid them tearing you down.

THIS.

I'd add: Don't allow them to prod you into giving out details about your partner.  It's none of their business.  Just refer to her as she is, and don't be afraid to tell them they are being rude when they are.

For me, someone directing their anger towards me frankly amuses me a bit (people really can act stupid sometimes!) and doesn't typically bother me.  I'm secure enough in career and socially to not really give a heck about people who would do that kind of garbage.  But if they are directing it at my wife is an entirely different issue - they're going to get an earful from me, because I know how much that type of thing hurts my wife (understandably).  I know my wife appreciates me stepping in during those times (we've talked about it), so that's what I do.

I'd also say: talk to your partner.  Find out if she would rather you speak up or let her speak up when someone directs something at her.  Find out how she wants you to reply if people ask about her.

[Cindy]

To add to the snow ball, bullies are usually over compensating for their own lack of confidence and hope to gain some 'respect' by being the BIG person. You and your partner need to work on your confidence because once you totally accept yourself no one can bully you. As others have said the cold contempt method is by far the most telling, as it destroys the bully's confidence even more. And of course if anyone ever threatens violence you report it to the police immediately.

As Stephe said as well, my neighbours and my work colleagues are more friendly now then ever before. Possibly because I'm now confident enough to talk and interact with them.

Best Wishes to both of you.

Cindy

[madwoman_in_the_attic]

no one has said anything to our faces do, so we talk about each other all the time.  If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

Oh yes, totally agree! Great use of strikethrough!

Jane Rule (early lesbian author living on remote/rural Galliano Island) once wrote that she contributed to the economy just as the loggers did and that the town needed everyone to survive...

Yes, people will always talk about something, so we might as well give them something to talk about - maybe even something positive. How awesome Claire looks for example! If you two go out with a positive attitude, in my experience that improves outcomes. (Not totally, but somewhat.)

[Felix]

There's an 8th grader who's been bullying my daughter (really sped 6th grader). For the past six months he's used the tactic of attacking me. He tells my kid every day how I look like a girl, that I'm a freak of nature, that I'm a faggot (though that word was only around before he knew I was trans), that I'm her mom, that she'll never have a real dad, etc etc etc. Bullies are nasty little monsters.

I do mean little. Only hurt people bully. This is coming from a child in my case, but adults can be pretty childish too. My best advice is to take the high road. Practical measures are good adjuncts, but first and foremost you have to be better than the poisonous behavior.