Heartbroken

[Kyyn]

So tonight I told my boyfriend (who has been very supportive) that i'd bought a binder and would be getting it very soon and that i was excited.

And he crumbled. And said he couldn't do this anymore.. that he fell in love with a beautiful girl and he couldn't understand why i didn't want to be that anymore.
We had an argument and it ended with the inclination that if i go any further then this, i lose him.

I'm so confused. He was the one that told me I should follow what I believe and was my strongest supporter.

I'm hurt.. and lost.. i just don't know what to do

[spacial]

Try to think about what will happen if you back down now?

[Constance]

When I first began exploring my gender identity in earnest 4 years ago, my wife said to me, "Even if you need to transition, I would never leave you."

Our divorce was final as of 8 February 2012 and she indicated that a primary reason for this divorce was my gender identity.

I think our partners really want to encourage us to be "whole," and I think they really do mean to stay with us when they encourage us to proceed. But as the reality sets in and the change becomes more real, some partners can't handle this.

I can relate to your hurt and confusion. It's a very unpleasant thing that you're being faced with. I wish I had some great wisdom to offer, but all I can offer is that I'm here for you.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[Kyyn]

He called me today to tell me hes sorry and he didnt mean anything he said last night and hes once again ok and supportive with every other then bottom surgery...

.... Not sure what changed...

Are there any significant others on here that can help me understand him and do the right thing by him?

[lilacwoman]

if he's a teenage boy then he likes girls with boobs and a vagina so this is not going to be a long relationship...time to wake up and decide on your future?

[Kyyn]

Now he feels bad for telling me I can't have a penis and is offering to buy me a packer...

Thank you beverley,
I did sit down and asked him to tell me everything he feels. Turns out he's scared of losing the girl he fell for, but wants to be supportive of my needs too. He doesn't mind me dressing as a guy, even in front of his mates - but the thought of me going under a knife is more then he can take.
I'm glad he was open to the conversation.
Luckily I'd already planned to just crossdress for a few months before deciding anything else. So we have time to work out how we feel.

Thank you everyone. In times of pain, this place is a sanctuary.
<3s to you all.

[Catherine Sarah]

Alex,
It's the least we can do. That's why we are family and here for each other. Just keep coming back when you're broken and we'll attempt to fix or repair.

I sense this boy is going to be a keeper, as a friend. I hope he appreciates what a giver he is. .... As for you ... just keep on keeping on.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[JenJen2011]

You have to understand that when we transition within a relationship, it is very difficult for our partners. You have to be understanding and very open about what your plans are. Communication is key. You also have to keep in mind the possibility of losing him. Afterall, he fell in love with a girl and now you're transitioning into a man which obviously is not his cup of tea. Be strong and I wish you guys the best.

[spacial]

I'm pleased you didn't back down Kyyn.

Also pleased your boyfriend is being more mature about things.

[gennee]

This is my take on this. When you say that you are trans or gay or whatever, some folks will that they will be supportive without thinking of the implications. This is my opinion but, possibly, folks may think that it's a 'phase'. When they see that you're serious then they really have to consider the many implications that present themselves.

[ToriJo]

I'm glad he's reconsidering - that's a great thing.

Part of love, to me, is wanting the person you love to live their dream, living in the way that makes them the best them, and to support them in doing so.  Sometimes it takes time to adapt to someone else's dream, and some adaptation just isn't possible for some people.  But at the end of the day, it's wonderful to be around people who want to see us live our dreams - and whom we want to see live theirs.

[Cindy]

I find myself posting in the opposite situations on many occasions, when a MtF  finds that their female partner is initially supportive and then seem to back down. My sort of standard comment is to think about what the other person wants from a relationship. If a female falls in love with a person who she thinks is a guy, then she is probably looking forward to the classic female family relationship, fall in love, wedding, house, kids, family life. Or variations upon that. When the 'guy' reveals he is really a she and can't cope with 'acting' like a guy anymore then it falls down. The girlfriend will hang around expressing love with, I personally think, is the hope that her partner will change their opinion. After all she has put a lot of time into the relationship to achieve her biological  full-fill meant. Even if it is a subconscious wish.

Your boyfriend may be doing the same. He fell in love with a person who he thought was a woman. he again may have the male wish/dream biological need whatever, of marrying a woman, having children, being a father and a husband. Or whatever it is guys want. He may have now revealed his true thoughts and his problems with the relationship. If he isn't gay how will he interact with you as a guy? I had exactly the same experience with a female friend, who was most upset when I told her I was a female and going to live as me. She loved the 'male' me and had hoped at some future time to  have a relationship with the male me. She was devastated when she met Cindy as she was not a lesbian, and neither am I. We are now close girl friends and enjoy each other as girl friends.
Sadly I would prepare to think about the future of your relationship as, hopefully, friends; but be very aware that it may end very quickly.

I'm extremely sorry to put this opinion forward, but I also think that we need to be realistic about stuff

With Sorrow

Cindy
as a guy, then it flls down.

[spacial]

I hope others understand when I say I have to agree with Cindy here, to a large extent.

In relationships, we need to compromise, adapt, adjust. We need to be prepared to let some things go while respecting that some aspects of our partner are essential to them. It isn't about ultimatum, in this context, its whether you can both survive as a couple.

Too much backing down, compromise means that you are not really part of the relationship at all. An ideal, with your looks. You're an actor on a stage, The George Cluney without the flaws.

I apologise to Cindy, if that is not quite what she means, but after having discussion along these lines with her, that is my own outlook.

I have to count myself luck that, where we did need to compromise, these were relatively minor.

But I am and remain who I am, as my wife is. If your boyfriend finds the ideal he had in mind, is not what he gets, then he needs to grow up and look some more,

[Jeneva]

In relationships, we need to compromise, adapt, adjust. We need to be prepared to let some things go while respecting that some aspects of our partner are essential to them. It isn't about ultimatum, in this context, its whether you can both survive as a couple.

Too much backing down, compromise means that you are not really part of the relationship at all. An ideal, with your looks. You're an actor on a stage, The George Cluney without the flaws.

Slanan also pointed out it is about adaptation.  You used both compromise and adapt, and as long as we keep those as separate concepts I agree completely.  Compromise is about suppressing, while adaptation is about growing.

An ultimatum is definitely the end of the road, without a compromise, but as long as you can keep communicating you may find that each of you grows into the vacuum the other leaves behind.  In the end you've grown together so much that you are almost a single whole with each of you so interleaved into the other.

Unfortunately some people can't grow into a form that meshes with yours (I'm not insulting them by saying that aren't growing, just that they aren't growing into the form you need).  That is why I always try to support the SOs that are willing to try.  Many SO's can't.  And unfortunately I think the OP has found one of those areas where gay transguys get the short end of the stick again because societal pressure makes it harder for a guy to grow to mesh with another guy.

It is very good for the OP that his partner is willing to try to grow together and I wish you both the best of luck.  You may find that you both can't grow into the others needed forms, but unless you try you will never now.

[patstar]

From all you've said about him, it sounds like he's a good guy who also loves you.  However,  he's definitely conflicted.   I would agree that, unless something with one of you changes, this is likely not going to be a long-term relationship.

[Padma]

Part of the problem is, there's no way to know in advance how you're going to feel when something happens in a relationship. So you can say "I support you in your change" but when that change actually happens, that's when you have to face your actual (as opposed to theoretical) response or reaction to it. And it's okay if it's not what you expected. You two are doing the right thing, which is to keep talking about it. Both your feelings may keep changing, so keep talking xx.

[spacial]

  Compromise is about suppressing, while adaptation is about growing.

Possibly, but that isn't the compromise I was talking about. I was referring to deciding what is important.

Relationships are about sharing and compromise. A trite example. I might have a certain friend and my partner doesn't like that person. Either I can give up the friend for the relationship, because the relationship is more important or the partner can give up their objections, for the same reason.

If I feel the friend is just too important to my sense of being and my partner feels their objection is too important to theirs, there is no room for reasonable compromise. Either one can suppress or the relationship ends. I suggest, in this, very trite context, the relationship should end. It is clearly going no where.

To return to Cindy's example. Some people do indeed have an ambition of a traditional relationship, 2.4 children, mortgage, car and a dog.  Most are more flexible, but there will always be some bottom line. For some, having an outward identity of a heterosexual couple may be quite important.

[MRH]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years (it's our anniversary on wednesday) and it took him a while to adjust. When I told him he was fine and he said he had always known on some level and actually thought I was a boy when he met me. Things go up and down for us but he is mostly supportive. He doesn't like me binding but that's because binding really hurts and I have damaged my chest a bit so he worries about what I'm doing to my body. We "split up" a few times over this but after much thought he knew I would be the same person. I'm not on hormones yet and I don't know how things will be when I am but he has stated he will be with me because no one elses opinions matter. On the other hand I do fear greatly that once I do change physically things might fall apart. The thing is if I don't go ahead with this and choose to play it safe then I'm always gonna be incomplete because I will never be true to myself. Some times you need to risk things. Hopefully things will work out with you just like I hope they will work out for me.

[pretty]

I don't know what you can expect when you're dating a straight male. The only reason he would stick around is because he doesn't see you as a man. It doesn't matter what he tells you or how willing he seems to compromise. If he's straight, he doesn't think of you as a man. If he did, he wouldn't be attracted anymore. That's human sexuality 95% of the time..

[ToriJo]

For some people, romantic love can involve more than sexual attraction.

That's why some people can stay with a spouse who has a serious, disfiguring injury.  Or stay with someone as they age.  Or stay with someone who has significant sexual dysfunction.

I have always thought love and the "to death do you part" marriage vow fit just fine together.  Even though I'm not dumb enough to think my spouse will look, in 40 years, as she did when we got married.  It's quite possible standard heterosexual sex won't be an option in 40 years for us.  I still will want to be with her.

I know not everyone sees love the same way.  I know it took me a while to figure out that love isn't based on, essentially, a value transaction ("I give you something you want, you give me something I want") but is very different than that, at least for some people (myself included).  Other kinds of love (based on a value transaction) don't feel as wonderful to me.  It doesn't feel like "true love".  I recognize true love is rare, but it is worth it if you find it.

So from this perpective, I don't think it's unreasonable to think that love can survive a surgical transition.