Finally venting, and really hoping for some kind of advice.

[N.Chaos]

I apologize in advance, because this is probably going to be one hell of a long rant. I'll try to keep it as short as possible, but there's so damn much going on right now that I don't even know. Also, if you've read any of my other recent posts some of this might be a bit of a re-hash.

I am not out to my dad, or anyone on his side of the family. For a multitude of reasons, the biggest being that I hate 99% of his family and I'm terrified of what his reaction may be. I've brought that up before, and its one of the things that's been eating at me since I first figured this whole mess out.


I'm also a published writer and (just recently) a published artist as well. A few of my paintings were published in a recent book, the first I've been paid for, so naturally my family was extremely ecstatic and proud of me. My mom told my dad about the book, because she was so excited, and he posted it to his facebook.

The name I write/paint/do everything under is, probably obviously, NOT my legal name. Nor am I a girl to anyone outside of his little family mess. My bios are all using male pronouns, every picture is of ME, not me in drag, and the name is Nick.

I'm thanking whatever powers may be that he either hasn't noticed the tiny beard or hasn't said anything. But he's got a LOT of friends on facebook, and I just know one of them is going to get curious eventually. I'm absolutely terrified that someone, somewhere will post "Congrats *INSERTNAUSEATINGLEGALNAMEHERE* " or something and my cover will be absolutely blown.

I probably already complained about that, though.

There's a tattoo parlor that opened up just down the street from my house semi-recently, and they-as part of their shop-have a mini art gallery. They take art from local painters and such, and my mom has been telling me I should go for it.

On one hand, I'm really wanting to. I haven't been featured in a gallery in years, and it'd be a potentially awesome way to further market the book, but there's a huge problem. Mainly, this whole double-life BS.

If my mom showed up, or my aunts from her side, I'd be fine. Absolutely fine. My aunts would introduce me as their 'brilliant nephew' or something, and I'd probably cry, and it would be fantastic. If my dad or any of his friends or, god forbid, family members showed up though...
I'd die. I'd just absolutely die. It'd kill me, and absolutely annihilate any chance of me promoting my work locally.

So I've got too much going on in my head lately. The suicidal depression that was tearing me apart over the past few weeks has subsided, replaced by something almost worse; this constant paranoia that the ball is going to drop and I'm going to lose everything, this never-ending tension and panic, and (worst of all) the absolute paralyzing fear at the knowledge that I can't do a damned thing about it without risking everything.

I know some people are going to tell me to just buck up and tell him and/or them, but I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it right now, and I'm getting scared I'll never be able to. I know there are people who'll say just go for the gallery show and psycho family be-damend, but I don't know if I can. I'd rather stay unseen a little while longer than to be seen as some fat ugly girl with facial hair and a disturbingly deep voice.

I'm just scared, guys. I'm terrified and I feel like something is going to break sooner than later.

[Robert Scott]

That is a lot of pressure --- sorry to hear that dude. 

Take a deep breath and relax a little.  Although it all seems to be pressing down on you --- it will be okay.

No one can tell you when the right time is to come out to everyone is ..... all that I can say from my personal experience -- even though I got some bad reactions from my parents -- it was a great relief.  I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulder.  You will know when you no longer want to live two lives.  When you are ready to free yourself of the fake female person you were made to be for years.  Some folks need to hold onto it for a long time and some just yank the bandaid off.  When the time is right you will know it.

[insideontheoutside]

Tough call. I forgot ... is your dad local to you as well? Like would it be inevitable he'd find out about the gallery show if you did it?

Also, often times places like that have a wait list for artists. You should just go down and chit chat with them to see if they might be interested .... if they've got a wait list ... how long it is ... that sort of thing.

[N.Chaos]

The apartment is actually right next door to my parents house x_x

Inevitable if only because my mom would be all excited and need to tell virtually everyone.
I probably should call them at the very least, there's every chance they won't be interested and that's the end of this issue right off the bat.

The living two lives things, I will say I have it a LOT easier than some. Its not like I'm prancing around in dresses and that garbage, pretending to be a pretty princess when I'm around my dad and the rest of them. I still bind, I still use my natural voice, and I don't exactly hide my facial hair. Its really just that they don't know, and there are a lot of moments where I grit my teeth so hard I think my jaw is about to crack. so its annoying, its crappy, but goddamnit it could be SO worse.

[insideontheoutside]

That's one way to look at it - that it could be a lot worse. Man after seeing some guy's stories on here, I'm thankful that I was at least allowed to be myself growing up.

And I know all about leading the "double life". I'm sure I've boggled more than enough people on here about why I choose to live my life the way I do. Thing is, I don't really "change" just to be around the people that don't know my big secret. I'm still me. I still dress the same and talk the same and walk the same. It's just a matter of fact that I don't have a first name that can also do double duty. Since I've gotten back into the art world, I've started using the initials of my first and middle name but the show I have coming up next month they've used my first name for promotion. Oh well. I'm not really gonna let it bust me up or anything. And I sure as hell am not going to change my appearance or what I like to wear, etc. just for other people, regardless of whether they call me "her" or not.

Keep being you, Nick. That's the best way to be. If you get to a point where you want to tell people that's cool ... I'm sure it will happen only when you're ready. If they start asking enough intimidating questions about it, ask them why it's concerning them. You're just being you.

And let us know what happens with the tattoo gallery

[N.Chaos]

Same with me, essentially, at least the not-changing myself bit. I'm sure there's probably quite a few of us dealing with similar BS, unfortunately.