Part of me always knew. My earliest memory regarding was a dream I had in elementary school. I dreamed I was in the military, in one of those lines where everyone is standing at attention while the sergeant barks orders. He told us about a mission, where one of us would have to dress as a girl to infiltrate somewhere or something. I stepped forward, volunteered instantly. When asked why, I said something like "Anything for my country," but that wasn't the reason, it was the only way I could see it happening.
I knew nothing about hormones and SRS at the time, grew up in a very conservative Christian environment. I don't know when I started privately dressing, putting on my mother's and sisters' clothes whenever I got a chance, but I never let anyone know. Always played a female character in any game where you create a character, anyone asked it was because I like girls (which I do) . Even when I did discovered the word transsexual, it never seemed like a real option, all I saw was jokes in movies and TV involving men dressed as women, and and that's always what it was, and a joke.
I saw a therapist for several years starting in middle school, initially due to major ADHD, but kept going due to deep depression. Nothing ever seemed to help, tried several different medications, saw him for years, and never even mentioned anything related to gender issues, even with doctor- patient confidentiality, my upbringing told me it was wrong, and if I told anyone my family and friends would find out, and I would be a joke. It wasn't until about a year ago I started piecing everything together, did my research, found this Site, and realized it WAS an option. I could live life the way I realized I always wanted to, as a female.
The only reason I was able to come out about it was because I was with someone I loved, who said she would love me no matter what. She seemed okay with it when I first told her, bought me some eyeliner, let me wear her clothes, I've never been happier. Turned out she wasn't okay with it. She didn't eat for a week, told me she couldn't stay with me if I went through with it, so I told her I didn't need to. I loved her more than anything. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. Even when she started going to her ex's house while I was at work, staying there till 4 in the morning, not answering my texts and calls, I trusted her and I loved her, and was willing to sacrifice everything for her. Then one day she just ended it. Told me I was the best guy she ever dated, I never did anything wrong, she just didn't feel the connection we once had.
So it ended, I'm back at home with my Conservative Christian family, but there's no going back for me. This is something I know I have to do, and for once I'm doing something for myself. For the first time in my life I feel motivated to do the things in life I need to do, just never had the drive to do. This is the beginning of a very unexpected journey, a difficult journey, but one I will gladly take.
