Hi, I'm new here.

[dana510]

Hello All,

I'm new here, but I've been reading for a while. I'm 40, and pretty sure I should have been born female. I have small hands, small feet, and a small --ahem--. I'm not tall, around 5'8". Also, natural moobs since I was a boy, even when not chubby.

About 5 years ago, something happened to me. I'm not sure what, but something changed. I'd always had a problem remembering facial features. Not in an obvious way, but like someone's looks were just on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't describe them. This was probably me fooling myself. I actually couldn't even remember my wife's eye color or my family's facial features, which seems pretty serious in retrospect. I also couldn't picture what I looked like without seeing a mirror.

After the change, though, I could, and I wasn't happy with how I looked. I hated my hairy body and man features (even though I'm not terribly masculine looking). So, I tried dressing when everyone was away. Looking at myself in the mirror with feminine clothing and cute heels was like a revelation! Clothed, and strategically shaved, I looked like a woman from the neck down. An out of shape woman with a belly, but a woman nonetheless. It felt so right and I was terrified.

I did something really dangerous (as I now know). I acquired birth control. Yes, I know. Took it for a week. Yes, I know (read afterward how dangerous it was -- never again without supervision!!). 30 minutes after taking the first pill I felt so right. Everything was as it should be. My skin got a little softer (not imagining it), on day 3 got a frog in my throat that two different people commented on as sounding high pitched. I also had puffiness in the breast area after only two days! It's OK if you don't believe me, I still hardly believe it.

I'm absolutely certain my body will respond really well to HRT, which is great.
I'm very, very astute in computer stuff, and can easily get a high paying telecommuting job.
My kids are old enough to deal.
I'm not concerned at all about family, only close to one member, who would be totally cool about it.

My wife, though, is a different story. She would NOT be OK with it. We also live out of state from all family, and she would probably move cross country with kids if I came out to her.

I've never talked to anyone in person about this.

I have no idea what to do. I want to do HRT so bad, but cant hurt my family. I can't secretly do it either, as I'm certain I'll be obvious in 2 months max without chest binding (big girls in my family), which I can't pull off if secret from my wife.

I feel like I have to wait until the kids are safely on their own, which is 8 years. The bummer is that , at 48 (then), and if my wife leaves me, I'll probably be pretty lonely and sad.

So, it seems damned if I do, damned if I don't. Without the boob factor, I'd try to pull it off in secret.

I've resolved to start seeing a therapist, so if you have advice on someone in 510, let me know.

Whew! Feel better already. Got some stuff about my chest off my chest.

[Jamie D]

Hi Dana, and welcome from a southern California cousin!

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I posted a good link for you in your therapist post.

You are among friends here.  Many of us have similar experiences.

[Cindy]

Hi Dana,

Welcome and don't be frightened. And you are among people who are very use to the effect of hormones etc.

You and your wife need to talk to a gender therapist. I personally think that that you should approach, find and talk to one first to get your questions defined. You and the therapist need then to broach the subject with your wife with the ramifications it may have.

This is not an easy path by any means. Most married MtF lose their wife and often their family. We need to think carefully of what we are doing. This not an option for the faint hearted and after key points, there is no going back.

Just so you are aware. I can no longer obtain, never matter keep, an erection, I cannot penetrate to have sex. I cannot obtain an erection to masturbate with, as I hear men do.

This is fine by me and a source of acceptance of myself.

But that is the reality.

So do be careful.

Hugs

Cindy

Birth control pills have a very low level of oestrogen compared to what MtF are treated with clinically. The feminizing effect of hormones can take many months to be seen, when given at clinically calculated levels and they should be given under medical direction as there are potentially lethal consequences to unmonitored hormone replacement.

Many people have a placebo effect when first taking hormones ( or most medical treatments for that matter) there is nothing wrong in that.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Dana,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7806  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet 

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi  Dana,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking.

I know exactly how you felt when things started to change. It's very hard to ignore that still deep voice from within that says all those things of how well you look etc.

Yes you have a challenge with your wife. How if she were to know, what you have is a well documented MEDICAL condition, she may be more open to understanding. After all, you are not to blame. It's NOT a choice. It's one of those genetically/hormonal/environmental situations. Just like any other birth abnormality.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Devlyn]

Hi Dana, it's nice to meet you! I hold the Boston end of the table down. I'll see you around the site, hugs, Devlyn