“I have a situation”

[4years]

This is more or less a stream of conscious song format, as I beat my head into the wall trying to figure out what is wrong.


"I have a situation"

I have a situation, it's eating my brains.
I have a problem, I need a revelation.
I can't work, I might succeed.
If I start, I might finish.
Oh my!
If I did that, they'd not like that!
So that's the answer? That's the problem?

There is no way out.
I can't succeed.
I can't fail!
Middle ground then.
*LAUGH* Yea right!
I'll be damned before I'll be normal.

I have a situation, it's sucking on my mind.
I have a problem, I'm so in need of a revelation!

It's not so hard, it's not so fast.
Take it easy, You'll get there fast.
I don't know why I worry, It's not so hard.

I have a situation, it's bleeding my soul.
I have a problem, can you help me out?

*edit* rats. revaluation != revelation :\ Meenie ol speeling anyway

[beth_finallyme]

Hello 4years  (kelly?)

I have had lots of those thoughts in the past also.

If I did that, they'd not like that!

If it is a problem, if it is a situation, if it eats your brain and it bleeds your soul then you have to determine what is important. Is it more important to heal yourself, to save yourself? Or is it more important to not disappoint someone or inconvience them or embarass them?  Only you can decide.


beth

[4years]

That line is directly related and basically aimed at a few of my relations.

Those relations do not approve of me. Their loss to be sure.
Amusingly I expect they'll flat out disown me when they find out I'm TS. That really does not bother me. What bothers me is they see me as a failure.
I'm not, but neither am I an unmistakable success either. Try as I might.


Interestingly intellectually their opinions amount to exceedingly little. What I need to do and what I must do (that start and succeed part) is horrendously more important. Intellectually there is no conflict.


Name wise I'm no sure yet.

Thank you for the kind words Beth.

[beth_finallyme]

I'm sorry i was premature with the name. I was just dying to call you something that better matches your personality Ms. 4years.   







beth

[Terri-Gene]

I like that "I have a situation" 4-years.  Sounds like you know it's a fight you can't win or even achieve a draw with, You can't walk away because it will follow you.  I see two choces, run for the hills or surrender.  If things are going to get miserable all the time then what you got to lose?  might as well be miserable with what makes you happiest I say.

[4years]

I will never surrender.


This primarily pertains to me trying to figure out why I am having a problem with my programming work, which is meant to finance my transition. Needless to say it is stupidly important I get my programs made, sooner than is possible. This stress compounds the problem to be sure, but I don't think is the origin.

Intellectually I see a clearly define victory path, but it is perplexingly harder than it should be to follow that path.

I'm still working on it.

Thank you for the thoughts Terri

[Terri-Gene]

" I will never surrender."

You miss understand me 4-years.  It's surrender to yourself, not outside influence.  When it is a lose lose situation, which is generally the case with transition, you just have to see wich lose situation has the most light in it even though it may still be mostly dark and go for that rather then the alternate lose situation which holds no hope or chance.

Finding a pendulum balance of wins and loses isn't always possible, so sometimes you have to take the harder path to make it easier on yourself in the long run.  If you can be at peace with yourself on at least one level, the most important level, isn't that worth losing most anything for if denying yourself that peace means eternal damnation and everybody unhappy with you anyway because of your becomming a nut case?  Survivors generally choose to live the fullest life and remember that no matter what you do, your gonna win some and lose some.  The only thing you can salvage either way is how you feel about yourself.


"run for the hills" means to look for a 3rd option.  For transsexuals, to many will tell you that just intensifies the problem.  Not really all that much of a problem for those who are not driven to surgery, but another lose situation for those to whom it is important.

[4years]

Unfortunately I'm familiar with loose-loose situations.
For what it is worth, I don't consider choosing the best option out of a given set to be any form of surrender. Compromise yes but not surrender, though I can see how that wording would fit. Probably just semantics and we are thinking the same thing.

Presuming I'm not blind though, this quandary should not be a loose-loose situation. This is regarding getting my mind to work the way it should, in other words I'm trying to figure out why I have such a hard time making my programs. I hope to eliminate my baseless inability. I hope that I can stock my financial reserves. In theory anyway!

I understand what you are saying, and I agree, but I believe we are looking in separate directions as at separate issues as it were.

Thank you Terri, I value your comments.

[beth_finallyme]

Presuming I'm not blind though, this quandary should not be a loose-loose situation. This is regarding getting my mind to work the way it should, in other words I'm trying to figure out why I have such a hard time making my programs. I hope to eliminate my baseless inability. I hope that I can stock my financial reserves. In theory anyway!

I understand exactly Ms 4years,

i am having similar problems doing the work i should be doing. Sometimes it almost feels like something inside me is holding me back from being really successful again, it is hard to explain.


beth

[4years]

I understand exactly Ms 4years,
i am having similar problems doing the work i should be doing. Sometimes it almost feels like something inside me is holding me back from being really successful again, it is hard to explain.
beth

Beth, you just described my state exactly.

This makes me wonder very much, and as such a deviant thread is born.