Dealing with depression and dysphoria?

[Zerro]

Rambling/tmi/potentially triggering subject matter below.

I'm a little over a month on T, and I'm going to have top surgery in October. I have a nice job, and supportive friends and family to back me up if I ever need them. I shouldn't complain, right?

Lately, I've been dealing with major depression and lower dysphoria. A long time ago, I was capable of flat out ignoring the lower dysphoria. I was convinced that I could put my issues off until I could afford a phallo or a meta and that I could just deal with it. So I focused on the 'easier' parts of my transition. I changed my name, I got a job and started the process for getting on T. I feel pride and satisfaction in being able to take care of these things, because I feel they're really necessary for my health and well-being.

But it also sucks to go through puberty again. I'm experiencing decent changes at a tolerable rate, but I'm an adult. I'm years behind the 'normal' guys that got to go through all of this and get it out of the way and it makes me feel awful.

I feel like it's messed up that I need to have surgery and be on testosterone for the rest of my life when other dudes(cis dudes, really) can basically get away with minimal issues there. Yeah, some guys need testosterone because they have low T levels, but their bodies still produce the stuff naturally. Some guys have gynecomastia, and might opt for corrective surgery, but it's still not like they have massive cis lady breasts to deal with and bind and work with. Some guys have smaller dicks or have had them damaged/lost/etc, but they still don't have female reproductive organs.

I know that the surgeons today are doing the best they can with what they get. I've heard amazing things about both phalloplasty and metoidioplasty surgery results, and those sorts of things give me hope, but then I have a hard time finding information on the surgeons that currently perform the procedures and costs.

It's frustrating, this whole transition. I love myself enough to want to take care of myself, but I still feel so damn sad.

Even though T has raised my libido, I force it down. I've had bad experiences with sex in the past. Being forced and pressured into using a body part that I want to ignore, that I hate so much has really left a huge mess for me to deal with.

People show interest in me - guys and girls that I want to be with - and then I just sort of keep everything non sexual. I just don't want to be touched. It's driving me insane. I don't want to have to have "the talk". The whole "this is what I'm okay with and this is what I'm NOT okay with" thing kills any sort of mood and it just sucks.

I don't want to be with anyone sexually until I've had lower surgery I guess.

Shouldn't I feel like the luckiest person in the world? I've had minimal issues in my transition. Loads of other people have it worse and I feel like it's wrong for me to be anything but elated about my upcoming surgery and whatnot.

I dunno exactly what I'm looking for here, but can anyone offer me advice on how to deal with my issues in a healthy way? I'm tired of hiding in my house on my days off and I'm tired of making up excuses when friends invite me to hang out with them. I want to be able to go out and do things socially, to live and all that, you know?

[insideontheoutside]

I can actually relate to a number of things you said here.

I'm years behind the 'normal' guys that got to go through all of this and get it out of the way and it makes me feel awful.

I feel like it's messed up that I need to have surgery and be on testosterone for the rest of my life when other dudes(cis dudes, really) can basically get away with minimal issues there. Yeah, some guys need testosterone because they have low T levels, but their bodies still produce the stuff naturally. Some guys have gynecomastia, and might opt for corrective surgery, but it's still not like they have massive cis lady breasts to deal with and bind and work with. Some guys have smaller dicks or have had them damaged/lost/etc, but they still don't have female reproductive organs.

Many, many years of my life were spent being depressed about this. And you know what? Being depressed about it didn't change it and didn't help me at all. While it seemed uncontrollable at many points, what I needed to figure out over time was my own way to deal with it. I'll never have the born-as-male body and I wasn't cool with the surgeries or being on T for the rest of my life, so that's different for me, but for you, you'll have to find your own unique perspective of it. You'll have to find a way to be okay with that fact that you will never have the born-as-male body either, but at least you're willing to do the surgeries to get closer to it. And while maybe you can't get the lower surgery right away, it's out there, looming on the horizon as a possibility you can take in the future. As for taking T for the rest of your life, it's hard for me to give any advice on that one but I've seen others say they looked at it like taking any other medication. There's plenty of other meds out there where people have to take them for the rest of their lives. I guess that's one way to look at it. And if you end up having a hysto, you'll need to take HRT anyway (although I have known of some people that have avoided HRT through natural methods if they had only the uterus removed but if you had a total hysto I don't think that would work).

The T will allow you to "catch up" though. From what I've seen from other guys it could take several years however. So it's another one of those things where you just have to see the end result looming on the horizon and know it's out there for you.

I love myself enough to want to take care of myself, but I still feel so damn sad.

Well, there's all those ways to take care of yourself that aren't really tied to transition. Like working out, eating healthy, maybe doing a sport or activity, finding a new hobby. Basically stuff to help improve your body/mind and to also keep your mind occupied. There's some good natural methods for dealing with depression (that I've personally used). One is through nutrition (avoiding sugar, processed/junk food is a big thing that seems to be tied into mood) and the other is through things like exercise/activity (that helps boost serotonin and endorphins in the brain).

Basically when I feel depressed at all now I go straight to doing activities, etc. that make me happy. Maybe it's listening to music, or making art, or watching a favorite movie, or taking a drive in the countryside, etc. etc. etc. It's really easy when your depressed to just feel like you can't even locate happiness even if you had a good map! But the trick is you just have to put more effort into being happy when you're depressed. Which I know, can be difficult but it gets easier the more you do it. It has to be a conscious effort though. It may start with something as small as getting a piece of paper and writing down things that make you happy (even if the only things you write down initially are small things like, kittens and puppies).

Even though T has raised my libido, I force it down. I've had bad experiences with sex in the past. Being forced and pressured into using a body part that I want to ignore, that I hate so much has really left a huge mess for me to deal with.

People show interest in me - guys and girls that I want to be with - and then I just sort of keep everything non sexual. I just don't want to be touched. It's driving me insane. I don't want to have to have "the talk". The whole "this is what I'm okay with and this is what I'm NOT okay with" thing kills any sort of mood and it just sucks.

I don't want to be with anyone sexually until I've had lower surgery I guess.

I can REALLY relate to this. Sex and me just seems to be one bad experience after another. The fact I don't have a fully functioning penis has prevented me from many, many chances I had of being intimate with someone ... even 100% willing parties who knew all about me. I know what it's like though to be pressured into doing something and that on top of it makes everything 100x worse. It's like instead of just having one single issue it gets compounded. To be honest, I haven't found a way around this yet. In the past, I just used the most realistic fake dick I could find, but even then I had all these rules like the lights had to be off and there was no touching my chest, I wouldn't even get fully naked, blah blah blah. Even though who I was with was totally fine with my body. It's difficult. And I think even if I was okay with surgery I think I'd still have an issue in that it wasn't "perfect" like how it was in my mind. Basically I have a lot of issues in this department lol So while I have no good advice here, I can completely sympathize with you. If a light bulb ever comes on for you and you figure something out, let me know

Shouldn't I feel like the luckiest person in the world? I've had minimal issues in my transition. Loads of other people have it worse and I feel like it's wrong for me to be anything but elated about my upcoming surgery and whatnot.

I feel like I've been able to overcome beating myself up a bit about things like this. For me, I've got a nice house, awesome career, hobbies, friends, people who love me, etc.. But it's ME that I haven't learned to completely love. So I'm working on that, but it's been difficult because things that you've basically dealt with for decades of your life don't just disappear quickly. It takes a lot of exploring and trying different things to see what works to really overcome that sort of stuff. Best advice I can offer is don't let it feel "wrong". Be happy with those things that are going right and are genuinely things to be happy/feel lucky about. And just acknowledge that you're not all the way there and it's okay to feel bummed about certain things. Temper those bummer things with the fact that you're moving in the right direction and things are on an eventual horizon for you. Also throw in activities, hobbies, socializing and that helps to pull you out of the depressing thoughts.

I dunno exactly what I'm looking for here, but can anyone offer me advice on how to deal with my issues in a healthy way? I'm tired of hiding in my house on my days off and I'm tired of making up excuses when friends invite me to hang out with them. I want to be able to go out and do things socially, to live and all that, you know?

I would say the social thing might be the best "baby step" to start with. And I know that's hard to do too when it's much easier (and more comfortable) to stay a shut in and think too much about stuff. I'm kind of only half way there myself. I was just invited to a BBQ ... did I go? Nope. Did my other half go without me. Yup. So now I feel like, "Ugh, now everyone's going to ask where I was and blah blah". But, today I just didn't feel up to it. There are days like that and you just have to let them go. Over Labor Day weekend though, I was invited to a BBQ and I did go and while I wasn't looking forward to it and was mopey about going at all and almost backed out, I went through with it and I had a nice time. That's the thing ... very rarely when I push myself to do something do I have an awful time. It usually works out and I do okay socializing (even though I feel I'm totally awkward and inept at socializing I guess everyone else is not as critical of me!) and it keeps my mind off of depressing crap.

If it's any consolation, if you lived hear me, I'd hang out with you It would be nice to have more people in my area to hang out with who deal with the same type of gender crap I do.

[Arch]

I can relate. I started having real bottom dysphoria before top surgery, and it just gets worse and worse. I was naive enough not to expect that...but insightful enough to recognize that things could change.

I also can't see myself being with anyone sexually until I've had bottom surgery. I've completely closed myself off from the idea. A few guys seem to have been interested--several, in fact--but I skitter away the minute that happens. I'm still wondering what to do about one guy--can't tell whether he is interested, so I just ignore any hints that might mean anything but friendship.

Fortunately, I can masturbate, but there's always a trade-off. I won't get into the details. Let's just say that I'm glad I can get the relief, but I wish I didn't have to deal with the fallout.

I just keep trying to redirect myself--yank myself back to reality whenever I start to obsess or become depressed about my parts. I try to work or exercise or accomplish some task. I also try to be matter-of-fact about my future. For example, I'm making career plans--one path will allow me to pay my own way, and the other should enable me to get SRS mostly covered by insurance. I used to feel more hopeless about my chances of getting SRS, but making plans helps.

However, my dysphoria is escalating. Don't know what to do about that.