I'm putting this here, as it seems the closest I can get to being the right place for it. This is me thinking "out loud" again...
Up until recently, though I've thought from time to time about never being able to conceive, it's never really been something I felt strongly about. Just in the last few days though, some odd coincidences have got me feeling this a lot more.
A young friend of mine is starting a project to get a group of women together to help girls celebrate their menarche (first menstruation) - something a lot more commonly celebrated outside modern western culture. And then I've been reading
The Red Tent, which another friend lent to me a couple of days ago, and the red tent in question is where (this is in an old testament setting) women go when they menstruate, or give birth. There's a lot in there about the girls' menarche ceremonies, and it really stirred me up.
What I found myself thinking was this. As a trans woman, I will never experience menstruation, and for some reason, that makes me sad - I don't really need to understand this, it just is. I can be a mother, even though I can't give birth, but there's something about the blood ritual and blood bond that it turns out I have strong feelings around.
Then I thought: here I am, I've just turned 50, and I'm on HRT. So in a weird sense, as I'm entering womanhood, I'm also entering menopause, and this is why there will be no blood ritual. But since for me, SRS will represent very much my arrival at the end of my trans journey, then that surgery, and the blood consequences of having a new vagina, will be my menarche. But also my Crone ceremony, since it will be my first and final bleeding at the same time.
I find myself taking great comfort in knowing that although a twist of biology has prevented me from being Maiden or Mother, I have a real shot at being a kickarse Crone once all this is done. Since celibacy has been on my mind lately too, I can feel myself readier to accept the mantle of grandmother - even while the hormones try to convince me I'm actually 15
.
So mote it be
.
