The journey's first step

[Cassandra Hyacinth]

Long story short, I'm not 100% sure what's going on with my gender right now. They sort of manifest themselves as 'impulses' (it's pretty much impossible to explain it eloquently, sorry). One thing I am sure of is that I'm not fully male.

Yet weirdly enough, despite being so unsure about everything else relating to my gender and body discomfort thereof, I know perfectly well what female name suits me the best - Cassandra.

For a long time I was put off exploring my identity because I was worried about making life harder for myself. But then I realised that if I keep thinking like that I'll never fully enjoy life, and that wouldn't be much fun.

So that's pretty much why I'm here.

P.S. I wasn't planning to integrate 'Hyacinth' into my name though - I just like hyacinths. 

[Becca L]

Cassandra, hello & welcome.  I love your name pic!  That's completely normal to not be 100% sure what's going on right now...give yourself time to explore your feelings and inner self.  This forum is a great place to start exploring, so I'm so. Glad you're here:)

[Devlyn]

Hi Cassandra, welcome to Susan's Place! I live up near Boston, glad you found the site. Hugs, Devlyn

[V M]

Hi Cassandra Hyacinth 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to to have you here, this is a great place to find friends and info. to help you along your journey

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Hugs

V M

[gennee]

Hi Cassandra and welcome. You choosing your name remind me of the
circumstances that I chose mine. I always loved the name 'Genevieve'
because to me there's a regal touch to it. I created 'Gennee" (pronounced Jenny)
because of the number of members with the same name.

[Jennygirl]

Welcome Cassandra! I feel you with not being 100% sure about it. I am new here as well. I thought I identified more with some kind of androgynous form of gender for a long time, my whole life really- even though I didn't want to even admit that to myself at first because of the same reasons you mentioned. Then after a few revealing experiences and many sleepless nights of full and deep introspection, I now know with full confidence that I am much more female than male. I just started my transition (on HRT for 2 days now) and as I come out to more and more of my friends I have become much more sure of myself and the new direction.

I can also relate to the worry of making life harder and repeatedly delaying the admittance to one's self about where you stack up  or where you see yourself headed in life. What really helped me was going to a gender therapist / sexologist and getting more clarification, also hearing her affirmations about my dysphoria and how she perceived my gender identity as female was somewhat of a helpful confirmation to me as well.

A really good article that also helped me a lot to accept/discover my true gender identity (given to me to read as homework after my first session):
http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/14StagesBLOCK.pdf

As I read this article I highlighted all the things that related to me. Then having a look back at all the highlighted commonalities gave me more belief that what I am feeling is indeed real and allowed me to feel much more comfortable with it. It is a long read, but it was very much worth it You can also try this: relax, close your eyes and envision your true core identity and where you see yourself now, in 5 years, and even 10 years from now. Look down at yourself and think of what you are wearing, how you look, how you feel, and remember that you will always be you no matter what gender identity you choose. Feeling doubt is ok, I think it is natural. At some point I just had to take the plunge, because I didn't feel that my gender dysphoria would ever go away unless I took action.

I hope this helps you on your journey! And welcome to the forums!

~Jenny