MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Thank you Judo for the compliment. That means a lot.
Hi Dietlind, I think POF will be next on my list to add, thanks.
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So this morning I showered and as part of the routine I cleaned my vagina. When I was drying there was a lot of blood on the towel. I blotted it up and later my panties had a lot of blood in them. There are two areas where the skin split and are in the process of healing. I guess I need to be more careful. This will be the last time I do any vagina work. I am so done.
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[JimenaCurious]

Oh my word - my heart is racing! I read the first page of the thread and identified soooo much with what you said about the pain and tourment you were in - I then skipped straight to the end to read you have now made the transistion!

Wow!

I'm off to bed now, but I'm going to come back and read each page with interest - Me? I'm on page one...

Thanks for sharing all you have gone through.

x

[Linde]

So this morning I showered and as part of the routine I cleaned my vagina. When I was drying there was a lot of blood on the towel. I blotted it up and later my panties had a lot of blood in them. There are two areas where the skin split and are in the process of healing.

Let's be a bit clinical! 
Were did the skin split, was that the source of the blood?  Why did the skin split?  it might be of importance to report this to your surgeon.  In any way, it might be a good idea to watch this, and if required, seek medical attention.  Incisions that break open often will end up in pretty ugly scars.

I guess I need to be more careful. This will be the last time I do any vagina work. I am so done.
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Do you know what caused the bleeding?  Ask for advise from a therapist/professional, ow you best cn avoid this!

Good luck!
Linde

[Rachel]

Hi Linde, I called Papillion today and the PA-c I like most will be in tomorrow. I called to talk about HRT, I am switching medical professionals, and I will mention the issue tomorrow. There is a spot in the vaginal canal that was bleeding. I must have cut it with my nail ( My nails are growing well now).

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I joined Plenty of fish late last night. I have 48 people that like my profile and 11 that want to meet me. OK, so I am scared. If I write a guy and he want to meet it would be very scary. What do I wear? How much make-up? What happens if he does not like me? What happens if he really likes me? Sex? Relationship?

I feel vulnerable. My profile I address being a post op trans woman. I will make sure they understand what that means. I do not want any misunderstandings.

My daughter graduates college in June. I have not received an invitation not do I expect one. I will be crushed if I do not receive an invitation but in my heart I know it just will not happen. Meeting a guy must be different. He must be willing to introduce me to his family.

I understand why my ex and daughter are embarrassed to be with me in public (it is about them not me). Any new relationships must accept me for who I am. He must accept me for me and want to be with me and be proud to introduce me to his family or it will end.

[Linde]

Hi Linde, I called Papillion today and the PA-c I like most will be in tomorrow. I called to talk about HRT, I am switching medical professionals, and I will mention the issue tomorrow. There is a spot in the vaginal canal that was bleeding. I must have cut it with my nail ( My nails are growing well now).

You got to watch that lady, that stuff can lead to nasty infections!.  Medically, that entire area down there is considered to be dirty, which means prone to any icky pathogens roaming around!
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I joined Plenty of fish late last night. I have 48 people that like my profile and 11 that want to meet me. OK, so I am scared. If I write a guy and he want to meet it would be very scary. What do I wear? How much make-up? What happens if he does not like me? What happens if he really likes me? Sex? Relationship?

What happens if YOU don't like him?  if he don't like you he will not want to meet you again, and if you don't like him, you don't want to see him again!  If you like EACH other, stuff happens that is common between two adults who like each other.  You have to set your boundaries, only you are in control of your body!
I feel vulnerable. My profile I address being a post op trans woman. I will make sure they understand what that means. I do not want any misunderstandings.

My daughter graduates college in June. I have not received an invitation not do I expect one. I will be crushed if I do not receive an invitation but in my heart I know it just will not happen. Meeting a guy must be different. He must be willing to introduce me to his family.

I don't know about your relation with your daughter, my son and I are pretty close.  He will get married in June, and I am, of course, invited to the wedding.  My ex and I get along well, and the two of us will give our child away!

I understand why my ex and daughter are embarrassed to be with me in public (it is about them not me). Any new relationships must accept me for who I am. He must accept me for me and want to be with me and be proud to introduce me to his family or it will end.

Neither my ex nor my son are embarrassed about me.  I am his parent, and my ex is my ex because I drove her away initially, but now we are friends.  She actually helped me to find the appropriate clothing for the wedding!

[Rachel]

Plenty of Fish

There are so many guys that want to meet up it is overwhelming. I have not responded to anyone.

I really do not know what to do. I do want to meet another person and yet I do not. There are so many unknowns. Do I take a chance or do I play it safe?

I will respond to two or three tomorrow and I will see how it goes. This is really scary, thrilling and a huge mile stone.
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Revision status

The stitches dissolved and I removed the last two threads last night. There is some skin splitting(it is healing as it splits) as expected. The scarring is pretty much the lower half of my vagina where the bottom was pulled together. The swelling is down and the urethra is in a slit. There is fat now; I do not know if it is the amount the doctor put in; I will find out May 6.
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So I was thinking, If I go on a date and the guy and I hit it off , what is the period of no sex? One date, two? first date?

[Linde]

Plenty of Fish

There are so many guys that want to meet up it is overwhelming. I have not responded to anyone.

I really do not know what to do. I do want to meet another person and yet I do not. There are so many unknowns. Do I take a chance or do I play it safe?

I will respond to two or three tomorrow and I will see how it goes. This is really scary, thrilling and a huge mile stone.
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Revision status

The stitches dissolved and I removed the last two threads last night. There is some skin splitting(it is healing as it splits) as expected. The scarring is pretty much the lower half of my vagina where the bottom was pulled together. The swelling is down and the urethra is in a slit. There is fat now; I do not know if it is the amount the doctor put in; I will find out May 6.
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So I was thinking, If I go on a date and the guy and I hit it off , what is the period of no sex? One date, two? first date?

POF seems to be a good site to meet others! 
Just watch the healing wound a little longer before you even consider sex.  Because with sex you introduce a hole lot of bacteria that are not the ones your body is used to, and you want to be sure that everything is healed out really well before doing this.

I can only talk from my semi guy days, I did not like any sex without a strong emotional feeling present.  For me that would require quite a few dates, if it is not love on first sight.
But you are your own person, and have to follow your individual feelings and set your individual standards.

Have fun with the guys!
Linde

[SadieBlake]

Rachel there's no universally agreed amount of time or number of dates before sex and I'd say it's up to you and your feelings about the guy.at the time.

I certainly have had sex on a first date, I've also waited longer. For me the success of the relationship hasn't been hurt by getting to sex earlier.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   If you are looking for a hook up, sex on the first date makes sense. It doesn't sound like this is your goal. If you talk to someone and they are really pushing for sex on the first date, they aren't what you want. What's wrong with chatting a while? See if chatting even can happen with a particular person, before meeting. Does he have the patience to talk? If not, you got boots, don't you? Give him one!
   You have to get it in your head, girl, that you have something amazing to offer to someone. They need to prove they deserve that, that they are good decent people like you are. I find the odds really small that the first person you talk to is your soul mate. Don't be afraid of attempts that fail. It will happen. Don't start thinking that you have to mold yourself into someone you are not just because you are trans.
   Finally, yeah, it is scary! It is all new territory. You can do it though. Take your time and be safe.
Moni

[Rachel]

Hello @dietlind , @SadieBlake and @HappyMoni ,  I agree, I will need to like and more importantly feel comfortable with the guy in order to have sex with him. I have a fair amount of insecurities about my body and how people think about me. I know I have given others so much power over me and I am trying to develop my personality in a positive way.

I know if I think negative thoughts negative things tend to be attracted and if I think positively about myself and other things I attract positive things.

It is difficult to put it into perspective. I just discussed the situation with my therapist. I look at myself as less than. Perhaps it is because of past experiences, perhaps it is because I am trans or both.  Anyhow, there were 49 pages of guys wanting to contact me by the weekend. I reduced the radius from 50 miles to 5 or 10 miles. There were still about 19 pages. I sent messages to 3 or 4 Sunday. I need to check back and see if they replied.

I see Dr. McGinn Monday and hope to be cleared for full activity in the gym, spinning, ruking and other things. I will also do 4 hours of electrolysis there. I am sure I will be bruised for a week. Not they type of thing that would make a good impression.
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I am at 180 pounds and losing visceral fat. I have not lost anything from my bust line ( ha ha, I have implants). I can fit into a spring jacket I purchased and I am wearing more fitted work tops. I like the look. I need to get a bathing suit and will wait 1 more month.
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[SadieBlake]

Rachel, I would also suggest that just because you're thinking about some difficult stuff doesn't mean people don't see the good, decent, loving and wonderful you who I sure know you to be.

We all have insecurities (just like the cis women) and I think maybe the biggest difference between them and you is that you are new to dealing with those fears while your cis acquaintances have had a lifetime to find coping strategies.

Here was my most recent fear and experience in bed:

I fell into bed with a new lover back in January. It was our second date, she'd asked to come explore what erotic things might happen between us in my bed.

We had literally pulled each other's clothes off going from living room to the bed, clearly both of us were ready. As she began to play with my vagina she said wonderful things about my appearance down there.

I allowed as how I don't self-lubricate all that well and she might need some lube.

Her response: you seem plenty wet to me :-).

My take-away: I was reassured twice in a very short period that my vagina is just fine indeed. On appearance I know I have not very well formed inner labia and my clit is super prominent when you part my labia (she commented positively on that).

So the two things I worry about, lubrication and knowing I don't have a 'porn-star' worthy shape didn't matter at all to my lover du jour (and haven't been a problem with anyone else).

We had a great time (best yet) and that's been true of all my sex so far (I've now been with three women, two men since I've been post-op .. two years just the other day.

I admit I think I've been pretty lucky, I think you will be also, just also recognize that all people sometimes have sex that doesn't work out so well. It won't get better without practice, so even if not every experience is stellar you can keep going.

Good luck with the dating!

S

[Linde]

I know if I think negative thoughts negative things tend to be attracted and if I think positively about myself and other things I attract positive things.

There you go, get onto that positive thinking trail, and the world will look way better.  Judging from your avatar, you are a darn good looking woman, and the way you exercise, I bet your body looks pretty good, too!

Anyhow, there were 49 pages of guys wanting to contact me by the weekend. I reduced the radius from 50 miles to 5 or 10 miles. There were still about 19 pages. I sent messages to 3 or 4 Sunday. I need to check back and see if they replied.

With this many candidates around, you can be pretty selective, and if you don't like a guy, off you go to the next!

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I am at 180 pounds and losing visceral fat. I have not lost anything from my bust line ( ha ha, I have implants). I can fit into a spring jacket I purchased and I am wearing more fitted work tops. I like the look. I need to get a bathing suit and will wait 1 more month.
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180 pounds looks pretty good (i don't know how tall you are), and once you fit into your bathing suit, you will look like a real hottie, I am pretty sure about that!

Linde

[Rachel]

@Sadieblake , Thank you for sharing your experiences. You have been a lot more courageous than I have been.

I wanted to see what it was like with a man. If that does not work out and depending on the female's expression with sex I would be very comfortable with a female.  I like being friends with females and doing things with females it is just that they do not have male genitalia. There are some females the love to exercise, hike, very long distance target shoot, muscle cars and be dominant in a sexual relationship. Perhaps that would be the perfect match.

I always pictured myself with a male in a female role, always. If a female can fill the male role I think that would work fine.

@Dietlind ,thank you for saying I am good looking. My body no matter what is something I have issues with. I am thin and my visceral fat is going away so that is good. I do not think I will ever think my body will look great.

Having a lot of guys that look at a pic and say they are interested or want to meet is different than them reading my profile which says I am a post-op transwoman. Further, if they read my profile will they understand what a post op trans woman is? Many live 50 miles or so away so I am eliminating them. I am posting to just those that say they want to meet me and close by. I think that is 30 or so. I eliminate those that are more than 30 miles away.


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Papillion
I had 3.5 hours of electrolysis with numbing today. Then a vaginal visit with Dr. McGinn. My vaginal looks really good I am so happy (reason I have finally wanted to date). She want to do another procedure in a year and I said ok. Bianna wrote my HRT scripts and it will be delivered from a compounding pharmacy. The called and it is all arranged.

Dr. McGinn and her staff have been so very good to me I can not get over it. I am a very luck woman.

I am cleared for spinning, rucking, lifting and other things.
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So I have to ask myself, why am I looking for another person to be in my life? Is it friendship, companionship, sharing activities, sex or filling in some open time in my otherwise busy schedule. How deep do I want to take a relationship? I am very very apprehensive in dating another person.

Happy Monday,
Rachel




I am 180 ish pounds and 6'2". I am thin and muscular from the butt down. I will work on the upper body now that I am more comfortable in the gym.
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[Linde]

@Dietlind ,thank you for saying I am good looking. My body no matter what is something I have issues with. I am thin and my visceral fat is going away so that is good. I do not think I will ever think my body will look great.

Having a lot of guys that look at a pic and say they are interested or want to meet is different than them reading my profile which says I am a post-op transwoman. Further, if they read my profile will they understand what a post op trans woman is?

OK Rachel, let's be pragmatic and rational about this.  We all know that we are our own worse critics, so why don't you let others make the decision if you look good or don't.  Others have to make the decision whether they like you enough to hang out with you or even date you!  This is not your call, but theirs!

So, you are post op, and if gynecologists can't see if you had surgery or not, what do you think the average man will know?  If you can remember the days when you were a guy, and how precise your attention was when you were ready o have sex, you probably also remember that there are no detailed inspections being done prior to insertion!

So why do you even mention anything about trans anymore, you are a woman with all the equipment a woman has that men need for their enjoyment!  If a relation becomes that close that you want to share your path to femininity, you can always do this at a later time!
You are a woman, and it is nobodies business to know how this womanhood of yours came about!
So take this transgender stuff out of your profile, I know I will as soon as I had SRS!

Good luck and lots of hugs!
Linde

[Rachel]

Hi Linde, I want there to be no misunderstanding when I date a guy. I want to be up front and I want to be treated as any other woman. However, some guys have a thing about dating trans and can get really violent and get physical. Some will just leave.  How do you explain to a guy I hid something from him that he may see as really important? I did that in my last relationship and it did not end well. I blend ok but not fully so it really is not an option.

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I have a date Saturday afternoon in a public space. He seams to be a really nice guy. I will meet him after he does his rounds on Saturday. So, what do I wear to nice bar on a Saturday afternoon? Fitted jeans or something else. A fitted top, I am thinking blue. 

He wanted to get Chinese and eat at my house.

I have not been with someone post-op. I am very very apprehensive. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

[Linde]

Hi Linde, I want there to be no misunderstanding when I date a guy. I want to be up front and I want to be treated as any other woman. However, some guys have a thing about dating trans and can get really violent and get physical. Some will just leave.  How do you explain to a guy I hid something from him that he may see as really important? I did that in my last relationship and it did not end well. I blend ok but not fully so it really is not an option.

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I have a date Saturday afternoon in a public space. He seams to be a really nice guy. I will meet him after he does his rounds on Saturday. So, what do I wear to nice bar on a Saturday afternoon? Fitted jeans or something else. A fitted top, I am thinking blue. 

He wanted to get Chinese and eat at my house.

I have not been with someone post-op. I am very very apprehensive. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

If you meet the guy for the first time, I don't think it is a good idea to bring him to your house!  He can get Chinese and eat it in a public pick nick space.  That early in your relation he should not even know where your house is located.

You have to be a little on the careful side girl!  I still would not tell him that I am trans, at least not that early in the relation.  But anyway, now that you are all fixed down there, how would he even find out that you are trans?  I assume he will not do a gynecological exam of your neither parts!
Concerning the outfit for a nicer bar, I would even consider a nice top and a skirt.  The top can be a little revealing, just enough to be promising and get the saliva flowing (of the guy).  But that should be it that happens this date.  You have to build it up and make him hot for you, for the case you like him.  Hold that stick with the dangling carrot in front of his nose for as many dates as you can, or until he is so hot for you that he almost explodes with desire!

At that time you can grab him by his balls and guide him into anything you want and like!

Good luck for your date, and don't sell yourself for cheap!
Linde

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Linde, I want there to be no misunderstanding when I date a guy. I want to be up front and I want to be treated as any other woman. However, some guys have a thing about dating trans and can get really violent and get physical. Some will just leave.  How do you explain to a guy I hid something from him that he may see as really important? I did that in my last relationship and it did not end well. I blend ok but not fully so it really is not an option.

I agree with you.

[Rachel]

So last night the guy texted me that he would only meet me if I went on whatsapp first. I said when I got home tonight I would load the app and we could video each other.

I thought about this today. I loaded the app on my phone than I stopped. He did not text me and I did not text him. I felt like it was an audition. I felt like if I passed he would date me and be seen in public. If not I would be a private play thing. I just felt like a commodity.

This is what he texted me at 12:40 AM this morning. ( my phone blocks all sounds from 9P to 3:30A)
Wm not meeting up without making a video call to ascertain us..good night.

I wake at 3:30 for work. I read his text and showered and dressed for work. I replied at 4:40 AM:
ok, when I get home tonight I will download the app and we can chat.

He made a demand. I loaded the app and he did not text or call. So, I think this is over before it started.

I could have called him. I could have texted him. I felt he put a barrier up to us meeting. I did what I said I would do but he did not text me tonight. Was I to text him or call him or video him?

Meeting in a public place I think was the issue. Hay, all he had to do was walk into the bar and if it was not to be then walk out and text me in the parking lot and say something came up. We live in the same town and it is small. Not like I was asking for much.

To be fair, he did demand we video chat before meeting. We did not video chat and he did not contact me. If he wanted to contact me and see if I loaded the app like I said I would he would have contacted me.

Strike - wanted to meet at my house
strike - made a demand
strike - did not contact me to video

Is he married? Is he just out for sex? Is he that insecure to walk into a bar and have a few minute conversation? Is he afraid someone will see him?

I wanted someone to share activities with me and yes if we connected and there was feeling toward each other then more.

I am a woman that loves herself and is not ashamed of who I am. I will not get into a relationship with someone that is not on the same page. I will most likely not meet someone but this will not stop me from trying.

[Linde]

I am a woman that loves herself and is not ashamed of who I am. I will not get into a relationship with someone that is not on the same page. I will most likely not meet someone but this will not stop me from trying.

I think you ran in a >-bleeped-< or some other horny idiot.  The demands he made are not acceptable.  A harmless initial meeting in a neutral public space would have been no problem.  But he wanted to see the ware first, do a look for the meat, like in a butcher shop.  he was not interested in you, he wanted your boobs and what is between your legs!
You did well not to contact him!
Anyway, when you have an acceptable candidate, nothing speaks against using the app platform to have some initial talks between each other, to learn to know each other a little better!
Just take it easy the next time and do some talking/writing to learn to know each other better.  Video chat can come in at some time, but that would be later!
Good luck with the next guy!
Linde

[notaprofessionaljustapro]

I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.

One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).

What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I  never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.

In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.

I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all  I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?

I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.

My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).

I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.

I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.

I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.


I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.

I think you have to wow yourself to be hopeful. You're speaking in a lot of black and white terms. You do not know how they will react. Even if everybody reacts strongly, they may change their minds.

But this isn't about them.

It's about your quality of life.

You may be surprised that you could maintain some relationships, it may not be required for you to get a new job. Is a divorce so bad a thing anyway? You love your partner, what if the relationship just changes to a friendship and you still support/trust each other?

That could be a thing you know. If the romance has left your relationship  (and this can happen in any relationship) then maybe you should change your relationship with your partner for the both of you. You, so you can pursue your self goals, and your partner so they can develop new romances.

This transition can work for you as long as you work with the aspects you want to keep. it's a transition not an elimination

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