Catch 22

[asiangurliee]

I recently started my HRT and i wrote an entry on my online journal..it expresses my feeling about being on hormones, i wonder if anyone share my feelings..

I've been on estrogen for more than three months now. I know I am in the process of becoming infertile and that has become more and more bothersome for me. I enjoy being on estrogen, I enjoy it immensely. I like it because I am able to feel how I am supposed to feel and I was able to be who I was again, before puberty, before I was disturbed by testosterone and the constant erection and the constant masturbation. My maternal instinct has also grew immensely or maybe it is just the knowledge that I will not be able to have children.

It is so deeply upsetting.

I was watching the notebook and I am reminded of love and how no one might ever love me and how I will not have children who will look after me and will live on after my death.

This is a very scary thing for me, but perhaps I am just being selfish. I shouldn't depend on having a child to be happy and I shouldn't want to have children just so they can continue to live on after I am dead, the real issue is that I want give life to the world, I want to have a child with my husband. With current technologies, it would still pose a problem to me to have a child with my husband when we are both XY genotype.

Lately,however, I also look at the possibility of falling in love with a woman and I have to say that is very possible because as I am on estrogen, my choice of a parter has shifted a bit, the way I look at men is somewhat different than before, I am now more focusing on how a man makes me feel, not how a man looks. The emotional connection, the feeling of security , the feeling of love for a man is something that I have not experienced before the hormone therapy and I would say those feelings suited me very well.

So these are the benefits of hormones and they have made it very hard for me to stop because I feel that I would mentally die if I stopped taking them. (if i stopped my estrogen and t blocker to bank my sperm)

[seldom]

I recently started my HRT and i wrote an entry on my online journal..it expresses my feeling about being on hormones, i wonder if anyone share my feelings..

I've been on estrogen for more than three months now. I know I am in the process of becoming infertile and that has become more and more bothersome for me. I enjoy being on estrogen, I enjoy it immensely. I like it because I am able to feel how I am supposed to feel and I was able to be who I was again, before puberty, before I was disturbed by testosterone and the constant erection and the constant masturbation. My maternal instinct has also grew immensely or maybe it is just the knowledge that I will not be able to have children.

It is so deeply upsetting.

I was watching the notebook and I am reminded of love and how no one might ever love me and how I will not have children who will look after me and will live on after my death.

This is a very scary thing for me, but perhaps I am just being selfish. I shouldn't depend on having a child to be happy and I shouldn't want to have children just so they can continue to live on after I am dead, the real issue is that I want give life to the world, I want to have a child with my husband. With current technologies, it would still pose a problem to me to have a child with my husband when we are both XY genotype.

Lately,however, I also look at the possibility of falling in love with a woman and I have to say that is very possible because as I am on estrogen, my choice of a parter has shifted a bit, the way I look at men is somewhat different than before, I am now more focusing on how a man makes me feel, not how a man looks. The emotional connection, the feeling of security , the feeling of love for a man is something that I have not experienced before the hormone therapy and I would say those feelings suited me very well.

So these are the benefits of hormones and they have made it very hard for me to stop because I feel that I would mentally die if I stopped taking them. (if i stopped my estrogen and t blocker to bank my sperm)

As strange as this sounds there is always adoption.  You really have to take this as an infertile woman, which means...no kids from you, but that does not have to mean no kids.
Also it sounds like you should bank sperm, just in case.  You are clearly bothered by this, you should look into the options out there. 

[Lucy]

I agree, banking sounds like the perfect sollution you never know you may be able to find a seragate mom for you to have a baby of your own. But yes adoption and fostering and very worthy things to do.  Good Luck   LUCY

[cindianna_jones]

I married a man who had a son.  I became his "mom".  You never know how things are going to work out.  Sometimes you have to point yourself in the right direction and deal with issues as they arise.

Cindi

[asiangurliee]

I did think about banking my sperm, but i am a newly university graduate and i am already in debts, i have no jobs, i am not going to spend almost 10000 dollar on something like this.

But the bigger question is i can't stop my HRT, i really need it.

I will think about it though, although I have Hep B since i was born, and having that virus makes it even more difficulty to use the sperm bank. ah.

I read that about half of the mft transsexuals have used the sperm bank, that seems a bit high to me, I know very few transsexuals that have done it and I have not received alot of help in this area, to be honest.

Adoption is something I would definately do for sure! Yay, being a mom is one of the best things in the world, in my opinon.