FEAR!

[AwishForXX]

O-kay, we've all faced it from one time to another but I'm curious to know if others have had similar experiences.   About three years ago I finally admitted to myself I am transgendered, O-kay, that's a start, I then started to slowly talk to friends and come out to each one in turn.  I had built up a small little core of "understanding" friends who I could trust and I was almost to the point of being able to finally tell my wife.  Then I learned that some of these "understanding" friends I knew I could trust were talking behind my back and saying some pretty nasty things as well as the old "Oh that poor woman, she doesn't even know her marriage is going to be destroyed..."  All this was focused around 2 individuals but they were encouraging it amongst our other friends.  I decided I would cut all ties with these people at that time, some of them I had been closer than siblings, I dated one in HS and the other I had one of the deepest relationships two men could ever have and still be straight,  (OK he's gay,).  I felt hurt and betrayed and I was terrified of coming out then, I went back into this little hole and even stopped going to a TG support group.  I built up this wall of denial again and figured I could simply man up and bear with it the rest of my life.  How wrong I was.

Fear drove me back into the closet and fear built up the denials again.  is this a cycle that many have gone through?


C.

[kelly25]

I'm sorry to hear that some of the people you told are talking bad about you but that's no reason to cut ties with all your friends and no reason to give up you will run in to a lot of people like that and majority could be close Friends and family

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Are you sure they were being malicious? People talk about other people all the time and being g concerned tour wife and the potential for ruining the marriage could just be genuine concern? I don't mean that in a bad way,  what I am trying to say is that they may have mean no harm?
X

[JoanneB]

Retreat happens.

In my case I don't particularly think it was fear. Maybe about having to make a life changing decision affecting myself but others. After well over a year of living part-time and getting pretty schitzo with it during a family crises I started a total retreat.

Going back to normal sure isn't working out. I am slipping back into just being a thing, not an alive, joyous, happy, self assured person. Just the almost same old thing that wakes up, goes to work, eat sleep, repeat. I have also been very seriously considering not going to my TG group meetings. Like why?  Why torture myself more? Why dream? Why hope?

But I went because I know it works. All that old behaviour never did. Something someone said this weekend clicked, perhaps it was the aggregate with the collective concern, love, empathy. I opened up about how much I've been scaring myself. I was hitting rock bottom fast.

[AwishForXX]

Are you sure they were being malicious?
X

No I'm sure they weren't being malicious, but I did forget to mention that the husband of one of the two instigators had sent out a letter on Facebook to all of this circle of friends.  this letter was filled with such vitriol and hatred, and so totally twisted many of the things I had said in confidence that I had no idea what had happened.  This one letter  brought up memories that I had confided in only two people before and I retreated into the shell at that point.  I'm not proud of it but I did it.  the whispers were more than just what I had said and far more reaching too, the two at the center of it wouldn't talk to me about where the rumors were coming from so I felt I had to cut all of them off.


C.