Feeling Tired of it all

[Subject37]

I'm kind of feeling... bleh about being this entity. Of being the trans person people know. I miss last semester when all of my teachers didn't ->-bleeped-<- up on my pronouns, or even my name for that god damn matter. I'm sick of people calling me "she", and even when I tell them that I'm a guy, their looks of disbelief and then they go on and pretend to not have even heard me.

I've been on T for two months now, even had to lower my dose because my body has an affinity for the stuff and my levels were incredibly high. My voice has changed, mildly, and I'm getting muscular. But, I'm just... tired. I don't want to be this person anymore. I wish I could've just felt fine being a butch chick. But now I've been at the point of no return for a long time. I've committed myself to this transition throughout all of the highs and lows, through breakups and unmentionable stuff, for myself. But I feel like it's not worth it anymore. -sigh- I hate that almost all of my superiors, (teachers, bosses, whatever), keep calling me "she". And I hate the way they apologize. It pisses me off, and I can't even describe it to my boyfriend. I've lost my talent as a writer. I'm not depressed anymore, which is great, but I do miss having my passions.

I hate being whiny, but this is about the worst I've felt in a while. On Thursday I received a phone call from the office of my top surgeon telling me that my consult with him has been postponed for another two months. In May. I absolutely hate the month of May. Bleh. I reacted unlike I usually do. I'd probably have cried and then cut myself, but I did neither. I find it's getting harder to cry, and I guess I'm glad of it.

I guess I just needed to vent. I'm usually a happy guy and I don't generally feel the need for support from anyone, but sometimes it seems like this community is all I have. Anyway, it'd be great to hear some supporting messages from people here, and I should go do some homework to keep my mind off of things. Peace.

[tvc15]

The good news is that 2 months on T is peanuts--give yourself a bit more time and soon people will look insane when they misgender you. It won't be as easy for them to get away with it.

I get what you're saying though. I'm almost 2 years on T and I feel like this often. It just sucks that this is our lot in life. It's not easy and it sure is expensive. I guess the thing to do is soldier on and find the positives in life. But I won't go around trumpeting that because I am struggling just as much as anyone.

I'm curious about how you said you've lost your talent as a writer. Why is that? Is it due to depression, or due to feeling more congruent in your body? I don't create at anywhere near the rate I used to. I was probably using art as a means to escape my life. It was my only big passion and now it doesn't come so easy--in fact it can be like pulling hen's teeth. That is a bummer. In some twisted ways I miss how it used to be. My life was only about what I could dream up and put down on paper. Now that I feel OK living life I don't need to write about it. But living life can be pretty scary. It was nice to not ever care about that stuff... But I have recently started to become more prolific again. So that's another thing you might have to just wait for.

Transition really is a big waiting game. I can't think of anything more frustrating. But don't give up. Know that you're not alone at all. It's easy to get the impression that people's lives immediately get better after starting HRT; nothing is more alienating than being alienated in an already alien part of society.

[whitehat]

Hmm, its hard to break habit. Most likely the people that mistakenly refer to you as she feel mortified.

At the moment I havent told anyone at my very white collar professional job except my direct line manager and HR, meanwhile, my voice has dropped 3 levels, im sprouting facial hair, and lets just say as someone who has lifted weights for 3 years... I have focussed on putting weight on in the right places. Huge traps shoulders and arms.

All of the account managers and customers I consult for via phone read me as male.

This is about to get awkward. Its annoying, nothing about transition is a set timeline, I would have preffered to hold off my voice change for a month or two but I don't get a say in it. Meanwhile, trying to get my body into a more masculine shape (need to bind my hips and ass more than chest to be honest) but my voice has given me no time to work everything else out. Stressful stuff, I don't just have a "cold" voice, I have a breaking voice. I really don't want to transition in the workplace but with a career of over 10 years now, not much choice.






Edited for profanity

[Blaine]

Could your low output as a writer be coming from a lack of something to really, truly write about? I'm pre-T but I've noticed that I write much less than I used to. I just don't have the immense passion for it right now. It used to be my escape where I could work out all of the things circlng around in my head through my characters and their dialogue, but now that I don't have as many demons to wrestle I hardly ever write a 300-page mini-novel anymore. Could it be that you were just using it as a coping mechanism before?

I can't really offer any advice for your pronoun problem other than to try giving it a little more time. (I don't have any experience here.) I hope everything gets worked out for you in the future.

[Darrin Scott]

I'm 1 year and 1 month on T and I didn't pass at 2 months. 2 months isn't a long time at all. Try to keep your head up and remember that it won't be forever.

[Elijah3291]

I'm 1 year and 1 month on T and I didn't pass at 2 months. 2 months isn't a long time at all. Try to keep your head up and remember that it won't be forever.

yep, same here.. I don't think I started passing all of the time until maybe 5 months or so.

[Jared]

I "stopped" writing as I got on T and knew my transition is moving on cause instead of dreaming these stuff and lifestyle or call whatever you want I started living that. I already miss that, but I always wrote because of pain.
Don't worry, 2 months is the time where changes speeded up for me, or at least 3 months.
Keep your head up and good luck!