Are you your own worst enemy?

[ChristyB]

   I have found that I am my own worst enemy. I say things to myself that I would NEVER say to another person. Especially about my gender issues. I call myself names that would not be uttered in any company let alone in polite company. I know this comes from the upbringing I endured, and the voice in my head is either my father's or brother's. I haven't seen any of my brothers or my father in 3 years, since my mother's funeral, before that it had been 15 years without contact. How can they still be rattling around in there after all this time?

I have been trying to catch myself when it happens, but it is extremely difficult, since this has become one of my many nasty  habits.

I was wondering if any of you have had this difficulty and if so what kind of positive messages you have used to counteract this unproductive negative reinforcement?

Thanks,
Christy.

[Misato]

I used to pick on myself a TON, especially in relation to my work.  Reading Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg really helped me there.  When he described that it is possible to use violent communication on yourself, as I once did and you say you still do, I think was a good healing moment for me as by that point in the book I had a tool set I could use to set me free from it.  Definitely been happier for it!

The severity if the name calling is troubling to me though.  I would mention that, at least in my experience, it is hard to self diagnose and I see you have therapists from other posts of yours.  I hope you're getting help working through this with them.

Welcome, good luck, and I'm glad you're working on this along with your gender.  I hope walking the path frees you from your fears as it did for me.

[ChristyB]

  Thank you Misato for your response. Apparently, we are a minority. I have looked at Amazon.com and saw that this book is only $10 I will definitely check it out. Not sure if it will help me since I do not have issues dealing with other people, only myself. Maybe if I view myself as another people maybe that would help?
  My compassion for others and their point-of-view is much better than those I have been exposed to, except in how I view and relate to my personnel views. I would like to express how I feel about myself to give others an in-depth view of my thought process, but am afraid of how that post would be viewed by the local mods. I am new here so don't want to make waves if I don't feel it is inevitable.

Thank you again for your reply,
Christy.

[ChristyB]

@kyh, Thank you for your response. I also find it is invaluable for me to disassociate "ME" from the narrative. If I imagine someone else as being the recipient of my abuse the feelings seem to reduce. It is VERY difficult for me to recognize that I am targeting ME. If it were someone else it would be an entirely different matter. Again it is as if I am holding myself to an entirely different set of standards than I hold other people to. Am I "better" than anyone else so require different standards? Am I "above" the normal rules so require different parameters?
  I am struggling with what my therapist has defined as a "double bind" scenario. Where no matter the outcome I cannot win. As in "I can't transition to female because society cannot accept my "femaleness", nor can I continue in my maleness, for that leads to suicide. This is something that I am becoming more and more able to recognize. In that recognition, I am able to interrupt my thought process and change the double bind into, if I am unable to accept my "maleness", I must be able to push the societal boundaries of gender to that of being able accept my "femaleness". In a moment of lucidity, society could give a "rat's-ass" about my gender identity, and it will continue as if I didn't even exist let alone what I thought about myself.

Thank you.
Christy.

[Jacqueline]

I know I am two years late on this topic but, wow. This is one of the boatload of things I am constantly fighting.

Christy, thank you so much for posting this question. I can easily accept others and forgive them. However, self forgiveness and acceptance is so foreign to where I have been for decades. I grew up knowing the lyrics to the Greatest Love of All and thought it was so ego centric. I could never wrap my mind around that. It is only with recent therapy visits that I find how deep my self loathing has been.

Misato, thanks for the suggestion of that book. Have not looked yet but I am always looking for new and better ways to communicate. Now it has shifted to include myself.

Sincerely,

Joanna

[marsh monster]

I know I trash talk myself a lot, much of it is along the same lines that I endured throughout my childhood. I tried positive affirmations and stuff on the suggestion from a therapist, but that never helped.

[Wish to be Tiff]

Thanks for posting this topic Christy. I am to a victim to my own display of self humiliation. I just had mentioned this in my introduction post and I used the same wording you did as the topic title here I am my own worst enemy. It has made me thru the years open up and close back up many many times about my gender confusion. It also might have cost me a marriage due to when I try to close back up and pack it all deep down in me I tend to become hard to be around with out me even realizing it. I don't really have anyone to blame for scrutinizing me in my life. I guess it's just my own since of what society expects out of a normal man in this world and how I don't exactly fit that description with thoughts, feeling, emotions, and desires like I have. I am new myself around here and am still battling this within myself. I have not yet seen a therapist on anything yet but am seeing it as very valid advice from many others here and will probably be seeking one soon. I'll be looking into that book y'all are mentioning as well.

Once again thanks for the topic and all of your input. Thanks Tiffany.

[Jill F]

I was until my therapist straightened me out.  I had a lot of self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors that were literally killing me.   Now I am my own best friend.

Wait, maybe "straightened" wasn't the best choice of words.   I do have a wife.  LOL

[Kellam]

People always tell me I have a "self deprecating nature" I don't know if it is that though because they don't hear the bully in my head. The names I have called myself, the horrid things I have told myself about me. None of them fit, none of them were true. I have been working on it and begining transition has helped a bunch but that jerk of a voice is still there. I always forgive others, give them the benefit of of doubt and assume that all people are good at the core. Except for me. I follow the golden rule like it is law but for some reason I never do unto me as I would do unto others. But I am learning. I can't wait to finally get a therapist, I've done the intake process and am just on the waiting list now. Dealing with this problem and my nearly crippling social anxiety (I bet they are the same problem) will set me fully free in the world.

I just never believed that I could be a good and worthy person because I was trans and society said trans folk were bad people just because, no matter what. Even worse I felt like a coward for not even being able to admit to people who I am. But like I said...I am working on it...phew this thread opened a can of worms...sorry...thanks...