I'm not really "new." I had an account on this site a while back, didn't log in for maybe a year or so, lost my password and I change email addresses ridiculously often so I don't even know what one I used. Anyway. Nobody here really knew me anyway since I'm shy (mostly because I have Asperger's Syndrome and totally suck at any form of socializing; posting anything at all makes me nervous).
I'm a FtM in my 20's, and life has been rather shitty for me for a while now. When I came out as trans, I ended up losing my family, almost all of my friends, my boyfriend, my job... all that. I was on T for six blissful months before my savings were depleted (unemployment does that to ya), and my body's reverted to estrogen of course for about 14 months now.
Also, I severely injured myself from binding too long/too hard (wore two binders for 12+ hours a day, except on weekends), and now I can't bind at all, so I literally cannot leave my apartment without a bunch of people staring or even openly making fun of me (none of my clothes effectively disguise my chest). My lungs are okay now (even after I stopped binding, it took a few months til I could draw a full breath with no pain), but my ribs are messed up. So there's a lesson, guys: don't make it a habit of binding tightly for 12+ hours a day, or you'll get hurt. From what I've read, you can get hurt even doing less than that.
It's incredibly amazing to me how much hormones change things; pre-T I was an ->-bleeped-<- mess emotionally, bi-polar, whatever; on T I was finally myself and didn't have all that emotional BS going on, and my depression all but vanished; now, without T, I feel suicidal at least 80% of the time, to varying degrees. I feel more trapped by my mind (read: estrogen) than by my body. I'm just not me. It's like (mentally) there's this tiny little fragment of me, and everything else is not-me, and that not-me part would be gone and replaced with me if I were on T again.
I guess I'm back here at Susan's because as far as suicidal feelings go, I'm at the point where I'm... well, if it's on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "depressed and thinking about suicide but not going to do anything," and 10 being "actively attempting suicide," it's about a 9.5 right now. My friend moved out of state recently (he's really the only friend I have anymore), so that's obviously been a contributing factor. I just feel so ->-bleeped-<- alone and empty inside, and I'm tired of trying so hard to be okay when it just isn't working at all.
So, I'm really sorry this is such a depressing intro, but I'd rather just be honest and say it like it is than make it seem like everything's fine--because everything's not fine, and it's not been okay for a long time. I don't know how to say this without it sounding weird (Asperger's, ain't it great?) but it'd be awesome if anyone reading this would, I dunno, send me a message or whatever--I just want someone to talk to.
