This is small fry compared to what a lot of you have dealt with, it's more of needing to prevent what could happen than stop what has happened, but I want/need to talk about it somewhere.
The last few days I've been realising that my attitude towards alcohol is exactly the same as it was towards smoking a couple of years ago, when it was just something to do with friends, then when I got stressed, and then became something I'm addicted. I've always had a fear that I would end up drinking heavily to deal with life, even though I go into a very dark mental place as soon as I feel myself starting to lose control of myself because of previous experiences.
The other day my girlfriend text me in the middle of the night saying that she would leave me if I ever starting drinking too much and regularly, I have no idea where it came from, but it was strange, and perfect, timing seeing as I'd admitted to myself I needed to be careful just the night before. This wasn't some sort of controlling abusive ultimatum, I know she's had bad experiences with alcohol in past relationships, and simply doesn't want me to get abusive through alcohol abuse. We had a bit of a talk about it that evening, and I came to realise a lot of things. I need to make sure my life stays on track, I need to look after myself to enable myself to be who I want to be, and do what I want to do. There's a lot of things I need to work on, because my mental health history is lovely, and I've been too complacent recently, and that just doesn't bode well for me.
At work I get offered a drink at the end of almost every shift, particularly on Saturdays (it's our busiest night). It's been like that since July last year pretty much, and I don't think I've ever turned it down when it's been offered to me. Tonight I did.
It's such a small, small thing, and it never escalated into a real problem, it wasn't an addiction, it was just that my attitude towards alcohol could have been a lot better. I've never drunk around people for entertainment purposes since the first and last time, only at the end of a day or shift to relax. That's not the way to do things, and I've always known that (heck, I spent my entire life up until last July living in a pub and seeing alcoholics businesses fade from catering for major festivals every single year to some no-name bands once in a blue moon).
I just wanted to say this somewhere, but I feel like I'm exaggerating things by saying that I refused one drink when I've not got a fully blown problem. Prevention is better than cure though, right? And maybe now I've put something into words I'll stop thinking about it quite as much.
