How long did it take to not be scared in public?

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Hi guys,

I have been nearly full time for about 5-6 months and 100% FT, work and everything, for about 2.

I seem to pass reasonably well, but not always.

I am not finding that I am really any less scared when I am out and about. If I have to walk past others I try and keep my head down and walk as fast as I can, which actually drawn attention to me.  Its really difficult to deal with my fear and it occupies almost all of my mental processes when I am out.  I suppose I am making some progress but its not much at all.

I was wondering how long it took people to get comfortable and just get on with their lives?

Thanks :-)
Akira x

[FrancisAnn]

Akira, It took me quite a while & I also do not look acceptable some of the time. For myself the more feminine I dress the more confident I seem to feel. I rarely go out without my makeup just right, dressed nice & feminine, polished nails, jewelry, accessories, etc... Then I try to look people in the eye as a normal woman would. I have a nice voice so I try to speak to any one that comes close or speaks to me.

Maybe this helps?? 

I'll be glad when it is all second nature, maybe soon?

[r.blaine.85]

Though I am not trans, my best friend is and she has been full time for a over a year now but she still won't go out to crowded places at night without me or some other support system. Not that I can blame her, there are some real a**holes around here.

[Cindy]

In my opinion self confidence does not suddenly appear, you have to work on it.

It is the same as public speaking etc. You have to practice walking slowly, hold you head up, keep a smile on your face, be interested in your surrounds. Also avoid eye contact unless talking to people. Searching peoples faces to see if they are staring at you is a sure way of getting people to stare at you!!

And remember, most people really don't care, they are far more concerned with their own issues.

[FrancisAnn]

Cindy, thank you for your support & help. Also thank you for your very nice donation to Susan's Place.

[Kate G]

Hi guys,

I have been nearly full time for about 5-6 months and 100% FT, work and everything, for about 2.

I seem to pass reasonably well, but not always.

I am not finding that I am really any less scared when I am out and about. If I have to walk past others I try and keep my head down and walk as fast as I can, which actually drawn attention to me.  Its really difficult to deal with my fear and it occupies almost all of my mental processes when I am out.  I suppose I am making some progress but its not much at all.

I was wondering how long it took people to get comfortable and just get on with their lives?

Thanks :-)
Akira x

When other people consistently experience you as female you will begin to consistently experience yourself as female and instead of anticipating an outcome you will begin to real.ize or experience the reality that you are indeed female.  When the focus of that reality shifts from inside of you to outside of you it will become habit and you will become used to it.

Having people know that you transitioned will interfere with this process.  Having people tell other people that you transitioned will prevent this process.  Replaying old ideas in your mind about what a real woman is and how you differ will prevent this process.  Conceptualizing your core truth as, "A part of me has always been female, I have always been female." Will assist in the process.  Failing to get rid of old photos, things with your old name on them, keeping your dilators when you could purchase a dildo, failing to change paperwork, will hobble the process.  Thinking of yourself as trans, viewing passing as a goal, engaging in conversations about transition... will make this process more tricky, assuming you are done with the physical aspects of transition. 

When the focus that you.are.female shifts from being inside of your brain, to being inside of the brains of those around you and those who interact with you, those who communicate with you...  Something incredible and magical will happen.  The entire Universe will shift.  And after a while you will have no choice but to believe in yourself as others do.  It will no longer be a conscious choice, it will no longer be an effort.  Not everyone gets to this point.  Some people have difficulty passing as their chosen gender, some people can't afford surgery.  Some people can't let go of the past.  Some people won't cut off relationships that hold them back or move away from people who knew them from before. 

There is a spectrum of transition, call it a rainbow of visible light perhaps.  Some people experience red, some people experience red, orange and yellow.  Some people experience blue and violet but something magical happens when you experience yellow, orange, red, violet, blue and green, you get white light.  Pick the transition that is right for you and good luck whatever you choose.

Maybe I should have just said, "It gets better."  No one can give you a time because it depends on you and your unique situation.  It took me about four years after I went full-time because that was how long it took to get FFS and BAS but my life isn't full rainbow yet.  The good news is that after a while you stop caring, given time but that really isn't good news.

[FrancisAnn]

Kate, thanks for your help & advise. In my early years (late teens & early 20's) I looked great & enjoyed doing "drag" shows all the time. I had a male type biz job & no possible way to transition at work. I looked good & felt great as a girl/woman. I loved being a woman 100% & still do inside. Also early on I had some laser treatment on my facial hair however I did not complete my hair removal. How stupid I was not to complete that step long ago. Now older & my facial hair is grey so my only choice is electrolysis. I just feel so stupid to have to shave my face then go out in the world as a woman 15 minutes later.

Just need to vent some frustration. I just hate this stupid facial hair/beard.

Maybe if younger girls read this they will remove all facial hair ASAP so they can have a more normal life.

Thanks again.

[Northern Jane]

In my teens and for most of my life I had more trouble trying to 'pass' as a boy than as a girl - the advantage of being young, skinny, and somewhat pretty - but now in my 60s with more of a granny figure I find that hair and clothing are more important. If I am going about as a slob, I am sometimes mis-gendered - I usually respond my intentionally mis-gendering the other person, some get it, others don't - but I try not to let it get to me. I KNOW who and what I am and that's the important thing. I look people in the eye and smile and don't let the a@@holes phase me! What is to be scared about if you know who you are and don't care what someone else thinks?

[FrancisAnn]

Northern Jane, cool attitude. We can all learn a lot from you.

[generous4]

- but I try not to let it get to me. I KNOW who and what I am and that's the important thing. I look people in the eye and smile and don't let the a@@holes phase me! What is to be scared about if you know who you are and don't care what someone else thinks?

Affirmative.

At some point, you have to just say, "Who gives a rip?!" about some goombah on the street, and then you proceed with your life as you are. 

My partner always encourages me to be proud of my body, not to hide my shape, and eventually I began to take that attitude and walk around like I own the place.  Takes time, though.

[pebbles]

the better part of a year I'd guess...

[Carolina1983]

Hard to say.


But each time it gets better.



I was afraid as hell in the beginning. Now I dont even think about it anymore, and if I try to man up it feels weird.

[Joanna Dark]

I'm prolly an outlier but I felt comfortable almost immediately. I pass really well and didn't go full-time until I got stopped by the police and they wanted to call a female officer to search me and when I told them I had a penis they thought I was being crude and told me I was digging a deeper hole and to just come clean. After that, I dressed everyday and because of beard shadpw when people get to close they question me but other then that I get hit on all the time and stuff so it is easier to feel like I am passing. But I still get antsy. Especially now that I present male (andro male with femmish shirts) at work. Dressing male has really been hard and is in fact worse then dressing female. The one day I was dressed male and these guys were like what's up DUDE. And start whispering about the girl trying to be a guy and were really rude to me. But that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Just keep doing it and like everything, it will feel very normal, very soon.

[Beth Andrea]

Hi guys,

I have been nearly full time for about 5-6 months and 100% FT, work and everything, for about 2.

I seem to pass reasonably well, but not always.

I am not finding that I am really any less scared when I am out and about. If I have to walk past others I try and keep my head down and walk as fast as I can, which actually drawn attention to me.  Its really difficult to deal with my fear and it occupies almost all of my mental processes when I am out.  I suppose I am making some progress but its not much at all.

I was wondering how long it took people to get comfortable and just get on with their lives?

Thanks :-)
Akira x

To get comfortable, you have to be comfortable...you've already realized some of the behaviors you're doing which indicates discomfort...work on those and confidence will come.

Myself, I already had experience with looking like I owned the place (ex-military, and some street demonstrations with an outgoing and exuberant group)...but I still needed a "chill pill" (Rx from a dr) to help reduce the anxiety during most of my "firsts": first time with lipstick, first time with dangly earrings, first time in a dress, first time going into a sporting goods store (male-dominated area). But after that first ice-breaker, I didn't need the chill pill anymore...maybe 6 months?

Boldness comes from within, and it sounds like you're already there...you just have to hold your head up, and look ahead...with a Mona Lisa smile for your present, and future!

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

This so much for your help people :-)

It's completely odd as I was a very very femme boy before I transitioned.  Girls fit cloths make up accessories etc.  But it was clear that was not trying to pass as female.  I was completely used to people staring and I didn't give a hoot.  Not at all.

I thought that transition would be easy in that respect for me,  because I knew how to be confident in public,  but boy was I wrong.  It's been a complete different ball game and if I wasn't so pushy with myself, then u would be hiding away.

Uni starts this week and uni is full,  students and staff everywhere.  I am scared enough getting a sandwich with a friend when I pass 2-3 people.  The idea of being I a uni buzzing with hundreds of people if filling me with dread atm. 

I am hoping it will come and I will deal with it and it will accelerate my progress.  Either that or drive me into finding a hole to hide in!

[Kate G]

In the beginning I didn't care if I passed, it just felt so good to be living my own life for the first time.  If you live in a place where some people know you transitioned you will never be able to determine if you pass or not.  People love to point out trans women more than anything and you can't trust anyone, not friends, no one.

The worst thing I ever did was participate in GLBT events because the people at those events outed me to pretty much the rest of the world.  I had a gay man I met at a GLBT place recognize me at my place of work (someone I had not seen in years) and he proceeded to out me to every coworker I had, and the owner.  My recommendation if you want to pass as female, never go near anything GLBT ever.  Worst mistake I ever made in my life and I only gave one example, there are plenty more.

[Tessa James]

Fear is a palpable and insidious force we can internalize.  It can turn into the mob actions of discrimination or hate.  Fear can result in hiding and withdrawal.  I can attest to fear creating monsters in my head that simply did not exist.

Like many here, when I finally accepted myself I went full time.  I started this year, 2013, with a new life as Tessa well before HRT or being passable and I will never go back.  I care much less about being passable than being my real and authentic self.  I am strong and assertive and confident enough to get me through most situations with a smile and song in my heart.  Sure practice is helpful and I certainly did have people literally holding my hand to start.  Now I own the process and can set the table and feel this forum and day to day interactions with the public are essential parts of understanding myself in relation to this crazy culture. 

It is regrettable that anyone has had hassles with other LGBTQ folks.  That T is us BTW and like many others here I also belong and strongly identify with being an out Bi person and have been involved with the out rainbow world since 1975.  Anyone who hears our coming out story is liable to share the big and dramatic news.  I think that is human nature even if not supportive.
The truth is that we are a tiny minority and we are making very measurable progress in the political sphere partly because we have allies in the LGBTQ and cisgender worlds. 
So much discrimination and prejudice is based on fear and ignorance.  Education is one way to armor ourselves and be a part of the changes we so very much need.

I feel much better being able to literally hold hands and be myself in an LGBTQ venue.  Let us please be the ones to reach out, make more friends and create the big tent that is inclusive.  There are plenty of elites already?

[Katie]

One trait I find in the women that go through the process successfully is they could care less what other people think. It can take time for someone to get to this point but it happens. As a matter of fact it get so bad with most of us that after transition many of us need to re-learn how to care about other  people in a certain way and not be so self centered.

[Bardoux]

I guess it's also to do with the people you choose to surround yourself with. Hearing negative comments about one's ability to currently or to ever pass, really does shatter your confidence. At least it did for me. I guess i need to work back to that point were i feel strong enough to go FT. Right now all i see is the man in the mirror. ->-bleeped-<- i hate haters.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Oh Bardoux, I really feel for you. I have been there too. I still get there sometimes. You are very cute though. You will do just fine ;-) x