Am I being a fool?

[gravebecky]

I just need some advice on this matter. I know I have to let it gi but I kinda need to vent. I (as I'm sure allot of of us here had) did not have a good relationship about my dress sense when I was younger. Im 28 now and my dad is on board now but my mom has been a real jerk at times. She has been sick all my life and whenever I was caught being myself some of the thing's she has said to me have badly stuck. That im weird a monster threating to tell my school mate's and stuff. Three year's when told the people closest to me and was ready to confront my folks she over dosed on her tablets and now has a pacemaker. A year after this she was diagnosed with dementia and I decided for my family to put my life on hold. I recently have had to come to terms with the fact that I have aload of rage built up over the years and it's taken it toll on me. I never get that talk with her and it bothers me slightly. I have to let go I know but 24 year's of self doubt and other negative thoughts have definitely taken there toll. I feel better than I have in year's mentally and physically since coming out but still its there In the back of my mind her damning words

[Sephirah]

Things like that don't really ever leave, hon. And letting it go is often easier said than done. Particularly things said by parents, or other people we hold, or held in high regard.

Whether you're being a fool for holding on to it or not isn't really an issue, because I get that sometimes it feels almost impossible to let it go.

Buddha once said "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Whether you're spiritual or not, these words make a lot of sense. It's been my experience that holding on to rage inside over something is like a fire which keeps burning you up, and keeps you focused on parts of your life which have been and gone. Parts to which venting this rage will do little to make any difference, or to make anyone feel better about anything. All it does is keep you feeling trapped in a place from which you feel there is no moving forward.

It's been my experience that the best way to let it go is to find something else to hold onto instead. Hope, for example. Or love.

The people, and situations which caused this rage... well, they are different people now and the situations have been and gone. But that doesn't mean you can't associate yourself with new people, and make new situations which give you the positive emotions to hold onto instead. Once you do this, you may find that you learn more about what's important in life, what being you really means, and you give yourself the tools to live a better life. With this in your mind, often anger and rage lose their fire, and you become more pragmatic about them. Maybe finding a place in yourself of calm.

There's a whole world of positive experiences, and encouraging people for you to find, hon. And you never know, you may get to the point where you can find it in yourself to see that your mom may have had her own reasons for being the way she was. Things which had nothing to do with you, but maybe how she was feeling about life in herself. She may have been holding on to rage, too, and chose you as a target to vent it on.

You don't have to be like that. *hugs*

[Ltl89]

Hugs!

I don't have the greatest advice on this as I can sort of relate, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone. 

[gravebecky]

Thanks for the kind words gals to tell you the truth there is not much to look forward to in Ireland except Halloween weekend next week ah the fun ill be having hopefully

[Damhnait]

Hello I'm Irish as well. My mother is quite the horrid woman too. She met an American man and became obsessed with religion to the extreme.  Now she is in a cult in a remote northern part of the "mid west" of America. She must only wear long dresses never trousers. She is that born again sort of thing even though I was raised catholic. She has always had a thing for the extreme religion and the fella she married is just as bonkers as she is. She refuses speak to me these days and writes the most disturbing things about me. Honestly she said suicide would be the more honorable approach to my mental problem.

I made certain she didn't know where I lived nor worked because I was warned she was trying to out me. I am transitioned years ago and can't afford anyone like me boss to learn of my past.   You must understand she did everything in her power to stop me from transitioning. Yer man got into her mad head that we are of the perfect race. People flushing red in the cheeks are the only sons of god rubbish. I have never met anyone more racist. She had some of her religous leaders come an try to do and interventiion. She decided she never speak to me again which I was actually reliefed, no more sermons from her..

The one gift we Irish have is a sense of humor.  You have to find the humor in every situation. No matter how completely mental the situation. Do want you feel inside would make YOU happy. Feck putting your life on hold. Your an adult time to live life for you, not the person she wants you to be. Whichever you fancy doing, do it for you not anyone else. It was never a mystery what I was even when a ween. She made my life a complete misery. I think my arse is still soar from all the wooden spoons broken over it with her rearin me up proper like. Then my Dutch stepfather used to beat me something fierce. But one special occassion I fought back even though I would pay dearly for it. I gave him a swift kick to the jewels with all my abilities and he was not a happy camper lol. I only wish Dougal was there to snap a photo (have ta be Irish to understand this joke)
Slán

[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

There is no reason to let anyone dictate to you how to live your life. You are an adult and can make those decisions for your self. It can be very hard for some people, particularly parents to accept a son or daughter as being transgender, only we have that right. There is no reason that I owe an explanation to anyone why I am me, I know that I am a woman and always have known that. To be honest only transgender people can really understand how we feel.

We have the basic human right to be us. I'm not sure what facilities there are in Ireland but maybe talk to your family doctor, even copy the SOC from the WPATH site and give a copy to them so that they can access the medical knowledge to help you.

Hugs

Cindy

[Jessica Merriman]

As a child the level of programming I received from family and professionals, today would be considered abuse. The things that were done to "man me up" caused a level of fear and resentment I have still not gotten over today at age 47. I am now 2 month HRT and am trying to put it behind me, but it is very hard. I can say I know how you feel. I hope to one day let go of it. PM me when it gets unbearable and we can help each other. It is going to be a hard road to travel, for me, I can't answer for you, but we can do it and thrive I believe. BIG HUG!! 

[gravebecky]

But one special occassion I fought back even though I would pay dearly for it. I gave him a swift kick to the jewels with all my abilities and he was not a happy camper lol. I only wish Dougal was there to snap a photo (have ta be Irish to understand this joke)

Fair play to ya (another Irish saying and boy do we have allot), cant say Ive had to kick someone in the 3 leafed clover.

I'm not sure what facilities there are in Ireland but maybe talk to your family doctor, even copy the SOC from the WPATH site and give a copy to them so that they can access the medical knowledge to help you.

as far there is very few thing's put in place to help us over here, Ireland is still in the dark age's about thing's that don't conform to the norm. Which kinda blows as otherwise its a pretty ok country. Its just unfortunate that the church still has a hold over people, even though 70% of people are not your go to church every day types.

[KabitTarah]

I don't want to sound insensitive, so please don't take it as such. It is very difficult to have family with their own problems, then add your problem to the top of that stack. At a certain point you can support their problems, but you need to tend to your own issues. You cannot (or will have a lot of difficulty) supporting them with the issues they have with you and your changes.

My wife has anxiety issues and depression issues. She never told me how bad they were until after I came out, but I triggered a whole new phase of her issues. In some ways that's good - she's seeing a therapist for, I think, the first time in her life.

My parents lost a cousin (who was young, 40-50) shortly after I came out to them. My uncle (my mother's brother) has also been sick with brain cancer for a year or so.

I am trying to be empathic. I'm trying to support them. But I'm one big reason they need support, so it's very difficult for me to help them in any way. I also get defensive when I'm attacked, and I've often felt attacked in the last 2 months. Thankfully the fighting seems to be over, or mostly over.

I realize your problems with your mother are very difficult - worse than what my family has gone through... but try not to let others' problems stand in front of your own health or problems! I think it's noble to put aside your transition for a time, but that doesn't mean you can't work with a therapist behind the scenes.

Good luck! I hope your situation improves with time.

[gravebecky]

It does suck but I have been told to go and do what I need to do which is cool. Also having had the big conversation with my Dad and everything I expected him to say he did not say and was awfully supportive. Well now the only way to look at it is there is only one way to go and that is upwards