Never ending sadness

[K Style Addiction]

Okay, so umm this is the first time in a long while that i've been completely miserable for two days, i hate myself, i hate being so ugly, i hate not passing, i hate the feeling that everyone is judging me and hates me.

I don't know, i look in the mirror and i see someone who looks like a feminine boy or if i'm lucky a girl but i don't know whether this is a trick of the brain or fact, which is real? I've been feeling suicidal these last two days, i have no money so suicide may be the eventual way for me to go anyway it's just a matter of when.

I don't know what to do, i have no reason to live, no motivation to get up in the morning, no purpose, i have been told staying at home for what has been about 3 months i think i lost count, i just have no purporse to go out, i remember one bad day i had and it haunts me, i feel like i'll never be free. Eventhough i am trans, i can live with it as long as i am pretty. then my face will make up for the loser i really am but that doesn't seem to be the case i guess i'm meant to be this way. I feel like god really does hate me, also before anyone asks i'm broke to i have no money for a psychiatrist also since people tend to tell me i look nice because of my avatar, well that was a very good picture of me....here's my worst; be prepared to puke


I wonder what death will be like *sigh*.

[Cindy]

Your pic is of a very beautiful young woman.

Puke?

Why?

[Beth Andrea]

You are very pretty in your "worst" picture, Donna.

And death is overrated...a good part of my soul is there already, and it is worse than the worst day above ground.

What happened on that "one bad day"?

[Vanora]

Donna,

You are a beautiful woman!  You need to get some help to understand what is bothering you and figure out what to do about it.  You look like a woman!

And perhaps talk to your endo.  You could have too much or too little of estrogen or testosterone depending on the particulars of your body chemisty. And these imbalances can strongly impact someone's mood.  Look at how much variability natal women have in their moods due to hormones.

[suzifrommd]

I don't know, i look in the mirror and i see someone who looks like a feminine boy or if i'm lucky a girl but i don't know whether this is a trick of the brain or fact, which is real?

An illusion, Donna. Depression is an illness that distorts our perceptions, twists what we see to match our mood.

I could tell you you're beautiful. I have. Many times. But if you're in the midst of a depressive episode (I can't diagnose you, but not wanting to leave the house is a major symptom), you're not going to believe it from me any more than you would from yourself.

All I can do is say, that I still care, that I still read all your posts, that I still try to send good thoughts your way, that you're still one of those people I think about and hope you're finding ways to live a satisfying life.

And I can send you a hug. I hope it helps, Donna. Despite what your depression would have you believe, you have value.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Hold your head high and keep marching, you will get past this.  Hugs, Devlyn

[Emily.T]

Hi Donna,
                       We haven't been acquainted yet my name is Emily and I was sadened to read your post and that you are contemplating suicide I have been down that road many times swell but there is a light at the end of every tunnel you just have to find the right path that leads to it  I don't understand the health system in your country is there any government funded psycs that you can access.

                        As for not being beautiful I will have to disagree your photos are lovely and you look very pretty in them, I to feel as though ppl look and laugh at me but mostly its in my head, you do have to stay strong and continue with your life it will get better you will get past this.

                         If you feel that you really need to talk to someone feel free to PM me anytime.

Hugs

Emily.T xx

[Tessa James]

Well Donna if your pretty image doesn't work for you please accept that others, like me, still find you enviably beautiful.  Your worst day is likely a dream come true for some?  It is all relative and we are all related. 

The title of you post reminds me of the movie "Never Ending Story" with a flying dragon and soaring musical score.  And then there are those joyful singing nuns from "Our Sisters of Perpetual Sorrows."

Just babbling as it seems our feedback is not always what you need and perhaps only you have the key to your riddles?

What advice would you give another girl like you?

Hugs

[K Style Addiction]

Thanks and;

What advice would you give another girl like you?

I honestly don't know, i think i have no right to give advice seeing as my life is so screwed up. Maybe when things get better for me and i have a happy life i can tell you then but for now i wouldn't know what to say, i know this may come out sarcastic but i mean it. I get scared when people ask me for advice because i worry what i tell them might hurt her because i'm stupid

[Beth Andrea]

I get scared when people ask me for advice because i worry what i tell them might hurt her because i'm stupid

*hugs*

A quick story: When we bought our first computer (in 1997), our 5yo daughter loved doing "Paint" on it. She had a 5 year old friend who came over one day and we asked if she would like to do Paint...the first thing she said was, "Oh, I'm not smart enough to do that."

Hmm...I wonder where she got that idea?

You are smart Donna, I can tell by reading your posts. There is always someone who can benefit from either one's experience or wisdom.

A little secret: I am ashamed sometimes of my replies here, because of the wise responses often seen here on Susan's..."Oh, why didn't I think of that! Now I look stupid!" but I know that others have more knowledge and experience than I do...as I have more than some others.

We can't be wise all the time, but chances are someone is looking up to us and we need to share for those people.

Just always write and live as a gentle soul, and no harm is done.

And remember always that there are mean people who will stare at your crotch, or look "WTF", or glare at you...but that tells you more about THEM than it does about YOU...a gentle soul would not be mean like they were.

*hugs*

[veritatemfurto]

nononononoooo, girl! If I can make it past that mountain, you will too. message me!