New to Susan's Place

[Brody]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, but have been reading quite a lot of the posts here.
It's pretty amazing how I can relate to so many of the stories and discussions here, as I've thought for so long that it was just me- and that I was 'abnormal' or something.
I sometimes feel so alone with all my thoughts- like I'm in the doldrums- not getting anywhere and becoming more and more frustrated.
I find it so incredibly difficult to push out these negative thoughts- I'm questioning mostly what the purpose is of everything?
Do you think we chose to be transgender before we were born, or is it just a matter of chance? Why would we choose something that would cause us so much emotional pain?
Like pretty much everyone here, I can't stand being in a female body. It's bothered me since I can remember, and has impacted on just about everything in my life. I long so much to wear those nice suits, swimming trunks, shave, wear cologne, and well, just be a man! I yearn for that role- I feel completely out of place being a female.
Problem is, I don't look masculine at all, and I'm terrified just at the thought that I may turn out looking terrible if I decide to start testosterone. What if everything turns out being worse than before? Did you guys also worry about this? How many of your worries actually materialised? Are you happy with the results?

Regards,

[Mr.X]

Hello Brody.

First things first, welcome to Susan's! It's good to have you here, and as you already noticed, it is also good to be among people who share the same frustrations, worries and stories.

To answer your questions, no, I do not think we got to choose. I have a rather scientific/rational mind, so in my eyes being trans is just a mistake of nature. Something went wrong during our development in either the womb, or at a later point in time.

Transition is a scary thing and I think most of us had the same worries. A well known term we use here is YMMV (your mileage may vary). This basically means that for example testosterone has varying effects on different people. There is no way of telling how it will work out for you. So yes, I too had your fears. I was okay looking for a girl (according to guys) and I have no idea how I'll turn out to be as a guy. I may go from an okay girl to a very ugly, scrawny, odd looking guy. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Because I'll be a guy. And just being a guy, no matter how odd looking, beats being a girl in my eyes.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Brody,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8732 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.

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Janet  )O(

[King Malachite]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, but have been reading quite a lot of the posts here.
It's pretty amazing how I can relate to so many of the stories and discussions here, as I've thought for so long that it was just me- and that I was 'abnormal' or something.
I sometimes feel so alone with all my thoughts- like I'm in the doldrums- not getting anywhere and becoming more and more frustrated.
I find it so incredibly difficult to push out these negative thoughts- I'm questioning mostly what the purpose is of everything?
Do you think we chose to be transgender before we were born, or is it just a matter of chance? Why would we choose something that would cause us so much emotional pain?
Like pretty much everyone here, I can't stand being in a female body. It's bothered me since I can remember, and has impacted on just about everything in my life. I long so much to wear those nice suits, swimming trunks, shave, wear cologne, and well, just be a man! I yearn for that role- I feel completely out of place being a female.
Problem is, I don't look masculine at all, and I'm terrified just at the thought that I may turn out looking terrible if I decide to start testosterone. What if everything turns out being worse than before? Did you guys also worry about this? How many of your worries actually materialised? Are you happy with the results?

Regards,

Hey Brody, welcome to Susans! 

As for your first question, I personally do not think people chose to be transgender.  I believe there's some biological factor to it, perhaps hormonal influences, but I'm not too sure how exactly.  I personally see it as a birth defect, for me at least.

I have thought about what transitioning and testosterone would do to me and I came to this conclusion: If I'm going to be a miserable person, then I should at least be a miserable guy.  When it comes to looks: I'm going to be an ugly person anyway so I'd rather be an ugly guy than an ugly girl (and to be honest I'd rather be an ugly guy over a beautiful woman too).  It's not the most positive advice, but it helps me cope. 

[shean R]

Hey Brody, welcome to Susan's I am sure you will find it to be supportive. 

I echo what the other posters have said, I too believe that something went wrong somewhere along the line and now I do what I need to do to right that wrong.

When I decided to transition the one thing that I kept saying to everyone is that I was ready for whatever changes T brought me, but I could never live in a state of limbo.  I was very worried that because I was cursed with very feminine features, large breasts and big hips that there was little chance that T could do enough to make me look like a male.  I was afraid that I would never fully pass and at best I would look androgynous, not that there is anything wrong with that look, just that I was going for male.  Well I have been on T for 20 months now and I have had top surgery.  I have to say T is one powerful, wonderful thing.  I pass 100% of the time and I have lost most of my hips.  I am 50 yrs old but I do have a boyishness to my face still, but it is getting better all the time.  I work out 5 days a week and have changed my diet, so that has also helped.

Bottom line here is if you are sure that being a male is what you are on the inside it won't matter what the outside ends up looking like you will be more comfortable with you.  T has also helped me feel like a man, not just look like one.  Now when I look in the mirror, or someone refers to me as sir, everything lines up, my body, my mind, my soul, my emotions.  Nothing I ever could have done living in a woman's body ever would have given me this peace and comfort with myself that I now have.

Good luck to you, we are all here for you.

[aleon515]

I am an older guy. I am 5'1" with a slight build. Pre-T, I passed zero percent of the time regardless of how masculinely I dressed. Almost 9 months on T, I am passing about 80-90% of the time. In fact, I only know of 1-2 people who is not passing at about 2 years on T.

I don't think though it is REALLY about passing, it is feeling comfort in your own skin.

--Jay

[Brody]

Hey everyone,

Thanks a lot for the replies!
I don't personally know anyone who feels the same as me, and so it's really great to communicate with people going through the same things.

Out of interest, when did you guys realize you were transgender? What were your experiences growing up?

I can only imagine the pure bliss of totally accepting yourself- this discomfort with what you look like is terrible! It affects everything in just about all social situations. And what makes things worse is the fear of rejection from family and friends.

What do you do when you get so frustrated and angry you just want to burst??
I think something that really worries me too is loneliness. Where will one find someone who accepts you for who you are?

[Devlyn ✅]

Hi Brody, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. Glad you found us! Hugs, Devlyn