Everything seems to be going wrong lately.
I went to see my GP about two months ago, he promised to try and get things done quickly because I'll be moving again in June and was great. Last week I still hadn't heard anything and was getting frustrated and annoyed at that, it's somehow worse when you think you've cracked it and then get no where, so I confirmed with some people whether I had to go to the local mental health people first so they could get their funding to send me to a GIC, and found out that I didn't. I booked another appointment (was supposed to be yesterday) and printed out documents so that I could educate him. I didn't mind that too much, I was doing something proactive again.
Last Friday I got a phonecall, and CAHMS was calling me to ask if it was okay for them to send a letter out to me, to the care of someone else. I didn't really understand until I hung up what she was on about because I was shaking so much, but it was going to be addressed as "[birthname] / to the care of [random woman in an office at work]". I phoned them back to ask if there was going to be sensitive information in the letter, and she said that she could either keep it for me so I could pick it up from them, or change the address, but they'd been requested to put that on the letter (I'm assuming some safeguarding thing because my work is acting in loco parentis as I live there too for the moment). I didn't think I'd be able to get up there, so I told her how to send things directly to me. Problem solved I thought.
Monday came, no letter. Tuesday came, no letter. Wednesday came, no letter. I cancelled the GP appointment because I don't know what's in the letter and I might not have needed it. Today came, and guess what, no letter. We've got a half day tomorrow, and then we've got our leave to go back to our families for Christmas. The post gets collected from the sorting office on base at lunch, so I know I won't get it tomorrow. The earliest I can get that letter now is going to be 6th January. I'm getting no where, and if this letter is them just saying that they can't help me then I've wasted almost another month, but there's nothing I can do.
Today we had our personal development lessons, basically a leadership course (ILM Level 2 in Leadership Management or something like that). I've been brought up my entire life around people with the attitude that all that sort of thing is complete bull, and I agree. I think I'd agree even if I hadn't been exposed to that attitude my entire life, because I've managed to be left wing where I was basically raised by my extremely right wing grandfather. I digress. Anyway, my attitude has never been brilliant in those lessons, but I plough through them and somehow manage to get it done whilst rolling my eyes copiously. Today though I was irritated by a handout they gave us as an example of the report we need to do as it was full of bad grammar, spelling mistakes and wasn't written in the correct tense for a report. Never in my life have I been allowed to use the first person, or contractions within a formal report. I understand that they can't give us a perfect example because we'd all copy it and learn nothing, but with the state of people's level of grammar in the country I'd have at least thought they could make an effort... and it was all written in italics, the exact thing we all previously got pulled up on in our powerpoint presentations due to dyslexia awareness. I'm not dyslexic, but it hurt my eyes to read. I wasn't angry though, it was half joking.
And then he tells us we've all failed our previous assignment, and that we failed to meet the criteria. The entire class. I say something quietly, mostly to myself, about all of the instructors interpreting the criteria in different ways. He asks me to say it out loud to the whole class, so I do. He gives me some spiel about that not being the case, and I tell him that from what I've heard from talking to other classes they'd been told entirely different things to us. His argument was to read the criteria ourselves, which would be fair enough, if it was actually clearly written and what they were actually looking for, and I tell him so. He turns on me and shouts "You've got to do it or you'll fail the whole f-ing course." That was the last straw for me, I don't mind swearing at all, I do enough of it myself, but when someone in a position of responsibility and should be setting and example turns on me and uses it aggressively that's not all right with me. I reply with "Don't you f-ing swear at me." (lol I'm a hypocrite), and he tells me to get out, that I'll be getting a negative report and a trip to my manager. I got all sarky and told him that it'll be nice.
I know I didn't handle that well, at all. I could have, and should have reacted so much better than that. It's no excuse at all, but I was stressed about the whole NHS and trans stuff that's going on, and it's really wearing me down. I haven't been seen as me or heard my own name since the beginning of November when I last saw my girlfriend, and I feel like I'm losing myself to these lies. Not saying that I'm unsure whether I'm male at all, because I've never struggled so much with dysphoria since I moved here. My mental health's taking a toll, I'm thinking of alcohol almost every night, I'm struggling to sleep, or eat (might be the fact that I can't cope with terrible roast dinners every day actually). I have little patience with anything and that was my final straw.
He did come and apologise to me later, I took the wise decision to ask him not to speak to me immediately because I was still angry and it would help no one, saying that he was out of order with how he swore at me, and that he'd told my manager that too. My manager sent me a text asking me to see him to hear my side of the story and my opinions on PD, but that I wasn't in trouble. He's a really good bloke, down to earth and genuinely seems to care about us (not many managers would run the bleep test just because they feel it's not fair to make us when none of the other employees have to), and I know I'm at fault, I just hope I don't lose any money out of my bonus for it.
No one will have read all this, it got slightly therapeutic to type it all out, and I'm a massive procrastinator.
