Are You Angry? Is It Helpful?

[Tanya W]

Lately I have been experiencing a great deal of anger around my gender situation. I use the word 'anger' here, though this kind of sugar coats the whole thing. Sometimes I feel anger; other times I feel rage. This emotion arises not so much in a 'Why me?' sort of way - which is really what I would expect: 'Why do I have to be this way?' It shows up, instead, in a more 'Why you?' fashion. 'Why couldn't you support me more? Help me understand myself more?' I rage. And this rage is directed at the world around me, at the so-called 'elders' who were supposed to shephard me into understanding and maturity.

Historically, my response to such emotion - on the rare occasions I have even been aware of it - has been dismissive. I repress. I deny. I ignore. I swat the feelings away with statements like, 'They did the best they could' or 'Anger is not very constructive' or 'I want to be a more mellow person than this.'

Lately, however, these strategies have not worked. I have been pissed off! And in being so pissed, I have found this rage to be very, very helpful. It rouses me out of depression, for one thing. It shows me there are some things in life I care about - personal/social gender understanding, for instance and who knew!?!? It also frees me from waiting - as I have for decades - for those 'elders' to finally come to their senses and help me out here; I seem to have to help myself.

All this is very, very shocking to me. So I am wondering: Have you ever experienced anger about your gender situation? If so, how has this manifested and where has it been directed? And has the energy of this emotion proven in anyway helpful to your journey?

[FalseHybridPrincess]

subconsciously yes,,,

Id rage a lot in video games and Id start a fight with no reason...I had anger inside me...about everything that was going on...


hhhhm hormones have helped a lot with this...you know,,,cause there is no reason to be angry anymore...

I dunno

[Jamie D]

Tanya, rage and anger at our condition is, ultimately, self-defeating.

It's good to blow off steam from time to time, but we can't dwell on things.  And you are correct, anger can be powerful motivation.  Just don't let it eat at you.  There are people born every day with some sort of anomaly, condition, or disability.  They learn to cope and compensate to the best of their abilities.

For many of us, the struggle for self-acceptance is the first step toward peace of mind.

[Plaid Chameleon]

I used to get angry when I was younger. I get angry for not being able to correct people about mislabeling me. I'm one of those kinds of people who will own a situation although this has been difficult for me. I've just come to a place where I can start to open up about things but it's difficult. I would not call myself angry, frustrated sometimes, apprehensive defiantly, but that's why I've been looking for support.

[JRD]

What little anger I have left, I quietly direct at myself, not outwardly.  To most people, I come across as nice, happy and very friendly. or so that's the comments that have come back to me over the last few years. I know of a few people that were surprised that I had a good attitude and wasn't bitter as what little interaction they've had with those like us have been negative prior to that.

[Tanya W]

Tanya, rage and anger at our condition is, ultimately, self-defeating.

***

For many of us, the struggle for self-acceptance is the first step toward peace of mind.

Hi Jamie, thanks for the reply. I appreciate your taking the time and expending the effort to write. With all due respect, however, I disagree with some of what you have offered.

In my experience, rage and anger are not necessarily self-defeating. Yes these emotions can assume an undermining quality when we hold onto anger, when we repress rage, and when we let fury eat at us in whatever way, shape, or form. But thankfully these are not our only options for engagement; when opened to in the moment, with neither indulgence or denial, anger and rage can be self-liberating in a way that is absolutely necessary for self-acceptance.

One of the most powerful turning points in my own journey came when I realized in the middle of a therapy session how angry I was at the group of kids that had mercilessly terrorized me in my youth. Sitting there in that office, I literally hated them and when my therapist asked me what I would say to them today my reply was swift and honest: 'I'd say nothing,' I said, 'I'd just kill them on the spot.'

This was a shocking moment for one who had always held onto the notion of being above such gross displays. But it opened me up in a way I hadn't been opened in decades, allowed me to see and eventually own how awful this bullying had been, how deeply it had affected me. It allowed me to really realize I had been bullied - to accept this part of my life story - and at last begin to heal.

And as I continued to heal from this and other forms of abuse, lo and behold, something else started to unfold. For the first time, I realized how furious I was having to be a 'man' all the time. Out of this came a moment of self-identification that I had never uttered to anyone: 'I am not a man!'

So anger lead to a crucial piece of self-knowledge here, but it was not done yet. Fast forward a few months and I begin to identify as transgender. As soon I began sharing this a little bit, another label started coming my way: 'So you're a woman,' folks would offer, quite understandably. Which felt good to begin with, then not so good, then the fury started rising up again, which lead to another crucial piece of self-knowledge: 'No! I am not a woman either.'

This pretty much brings me up to today, where I find myself a non binary person trying to find my way in a decidedly binary world. And you are correct - self-acceptance is an absolutely essential part of this process, absolutely. But personally, I would not be able to even utter these words - much less consider the possibility of inner acceptance - were it not for anger. For before self acceptance is possible, one needs a sense of this self. I had been shut down for so long, I didn't have this - not in any accurate way, that is. Rage and fury have been like signal flares, showing me where 'I' am, revealing to me what 'I' look like, readying me for that crucial next step of accepting what I have seen. 

So 'self-defeating'? No, not for me - not by a long shot.

[Jamie D]

Fair enough.

I totally get the last part:

I had been shut down for so long, I didn't have this - not in any accurate way, that is. Rage and fury have been like signal flares, showing me where 'I' am, revealing to me what 'I' look like, readying me for that crucial next step of accepting what I have seen.

But I did not make myself easily understood.  I was aiming more at long-term hatred of ourselves - it is like a cancer in our souls.

I am glad, though, that you focused your rage and made breakthrough because of it.

[Tanya W]

I was aiming more at long-term hatred of ourselves - it is like a cancer in our souls.

I am glad, though, that you focused your rage and made breakthrough because of it.

Yes, anger is very powerful. Holding onto it long term in any form has not proven helpful in my world. Self-hatred especially! Thanks for clarifying.

Thanks too for the 'gladness'. To be honest, I didn't really know at the time that this was what was going on. It's really a very recent understanding birthed, among other things, through exchanges here. 

[JustEmily]

The anger helped for a while, but holding on to it only hurt me more in the end.

When I was younger I used to go to the shores of lake Erie during storms and scream into the wind, run until I couldn't stand, ride my bicycle as far as I could.  The rain on my face and the wind pushing back really was a sobering feeling.  But it felt good to scream at nature, stare wild eyed into the void and defiantly tempt the lightning.

I was convinced she did me wrong, and as a rage-filled-scared-out-of-his-mind kid I needed to yell at somebody.  I was so scared and confused.  I knew I was't gay... I think that would have been easier... I knew that I had the wrong body somehow and that really freaked me out.  I liked women, but I felt that I was one too.  My mind kept circling over and over.

Thankfully I realized early on that drugs and alcohol only made things worse, so I managed to stay away from that trap, but it took a long time, a lot of ruined friendships and too many hours of alone time for me to stop being a complete jerk to everyone around me.

As I grew I found that the body isn't everything, and we are responsible for how we feel... nobody can make us feel anything.   
I had to find a way to heal myself.

One of my favorite Buddhist quotes comes back again and again to me:

No one saves us but ourselves,
No one can and no one may,
We alone must walk the path.

I still get pissed at nature, but now I just give her the silent treatment.   
I'm not laughing at your joke, and I'm not going to yell anymore. 
Bitch.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora Tanya,

Reacting to anything with anger, one  just re-enforces the unwholesome neuropathways in the brain "What fires together wires together" *Sankhara*

However if the rising of this negative emotion is observed san reaction, then one can perhaps channel this energy into something more positive/creative...

Metta Zenda

[Tanya W]

...if the arising of this negative emotion is observed san reaction, then one can perhaps channel this energy into something more positive/creative...

I feel this near expresses what I'm finding, though I need to clarify:

When I allow anger to arise without reaction - including the very ingrained (for me) reaction that this is a 'negative' experience - the energy seems to have an inherently creative expression. More specifically, it clarifies in a way I have not experienced before, like lightning in a late summer storm, and does so without my doing anything to bring this about.

[LordKAT]

Be leery of anger. Left unresolved, it most often becomes depression.

[Anatta]

Be leery of anger. Left unresolved, it most often becomes depression.

Kia Ora LordKAT,

Very true...

I feel this near expresses what I'm finding, though I need to clarify:

When I allow anger to arise without reaction - including the very ingrained (for me) reaction that this is a 'negative' experience - the energy seems to have an inherently creative expression. More specifically, it clarifies in a way I have not experienced before, like lightning in a late summer storm, and does so without my doing anything to bring this about.

Kia Ora Tanya,

It would seem you have/are becoming more the observer (which is a skilful thing to do) and not the participant, just observing  the feelings and sensations in ones body as they rise and pass away '  no longer an 'active' participant ...

When anger arises we more often than not are dragged into the emotion and 'become' the anger/emotion, anger takes centre stage, for example "I am angry" literally means just that...anger is in control ...

We can't stop feelings and sensations from rising,(if we try to, we only increase their power) but we can learn not to react to them when they do arise...


Metta Zenda

[Taka]

directing your anger at the right target can help a lot, particularly in order to overcome shame.
instead of feeling ashamed for not being "perfect", it's much better to get angry when someone has wronged you, using your "imperfection" as an excuse.

unfortunately i'm not a good enough person that anger helps me very much. it's impossible to express seething rage in a non-violent manner. i'm also lucky enough to have parents who forbade any display of negative emotions in my childhood, so i never even learned how to manage anger properly. even my facial expressions aren't right, most people are completely unable to read anger in my face.

i have thought about trying to seek some kind of equilibrium where i'd be able to calmly observe my emotions and resolve all the negative ones so i can go on being a ridiculously positive being who loves to spread love and all that. it's a very nice thought, really pretty. world peace would be a cinch if people would just do that instead of being so destructive all the time. but there are some people who have hurt me just about enough that i won't be able to forgive them too easily because they manage to enrage me nearly every time we speak (particularly my mother). and then there are a few persons whom i simply don't want to forgive. not that i have much feeling of hate towards them, but they've done horrible things to younger members of my family, and i will not let those younger family members carry the resentment alone. there's a guy whom i'd kill if my daughter didn't need me.

anger that can't be resolved isn't too easy to bear. in my case it seems to be only pure stubbornness that keeps me from getting done with some feelings.