I'm a good male role model apparently...

[Ms Grace]

My sister has split with her de facto partner of over 23 years. He was always fairly withdrawn and surly but had also become increasing verbally abusive and despite her attempts to work with him to resolve the situation it became untenable... the decision to split was relatively mutual but he is being a total jerk about it. He also says he wants nothing to do with their three kids (aged 18, 15, 8 ) which apparently is fine by them as they've had enough of him too. My sister has secured some counselling for the 15 and 8 year old so they can hopefully get some coping mechanisms and process the situation. Like I said, my sister's ex/the kid's father was a withdrawn person, not a very present father - soon to be very absent. Other male figures in the kids' live - my father, my brother, the ex's brother - are for various reasons fairly distant, uncommunicative and/or uninvolved. Guess who is the one "male" in their lives that they look up to? Yeah, me! No one in the family knows of my intention to transition. My sister has asked if I can come along to my niece's (the 8 year old) counselling because I'm "a good male role model and she looks up to me". I don't take it as an insult, my sister doesn't know and she means well especially for her daughter... but wow, this is seriously breaking my heart. My niece really does need a good male role model in her life, but I'm not going to be the one that can provide it...

"Hey kids, all the men in your life have abandoned you except... for your other uncle who abandoned the male camp altogether!"

I consider myself a good role model, but if it's going to be gender specific that's not a thing that's gonna happen. I haven't said no, I want to be there for my niece too, but I will have to have a private word with this counsellor if and when this joint session happens and tell her to lay off any suggestion that I'm a male role model. Seems like the best option? Maybe??

I don't know what it says about my family that the best male role model is a trans woman.

(Edited for grammar! I'm not a good English role model it would seem!!)

[V M]

Just tell them, you are fine with being considered a good role model but would prefer to not be considered a gender specific role model

[FalseHybridPrincess]

If I were you Id think that I should soon come out to my family
I mean , it does hurt you doesnt it?

They used to call me things like fine young man etc...you know how it is right XD

[Jessica Merriman]

If I were you Id think that I should soon come out to my family
I mean , it does hurt you doesnt it?

Grace, Princess nailed it with this. I think destiny has provided you with this situation to come out and if you don't I have no clue as to a better time. You of course are the only one to make this decision, I am just putting forth an observation. Destiny hit me as well a few days ago. When EMO put my pictures in the "Show Yourselves" topic and the world didn't end, it gave me the courage to make my therapy appointment today as the real "Jessica". Close family know of my intentions, but I wanted to control slowly the mass notifications to friends, etc. Well, that plan is long gone, Jessica lives and will not be hidden again.  As for the role model part of this topic, what better role model could you be for them than showing great honesty and courage by revealing yourself. You can't really expect them to fully disclose their feelings to a therapist if you won't to them. Be the one who inspires them with great courage and openness. I think it will make you an even better role model!

[Emmaline]

Been exactly there... the kids took it wonderfully.   Remember you're a role model... not a male role model but a human one.
My neice and nephew are totally cool with it.

[Joan]

My brother just broke up with his partner (there are kids too), having nowhere to go he's back at my parents' and I don't want to dump anymore stuff on them at the moment.

At least that's how I look at it. In truth I'm not sure there will ever be a good time to tell them.

I'm sure you'll come to the best decision for you and for everyone concerned.

[Thylacin]

Sounds like a teachable moment to show/explain that male/female role models aren't a necessary thing and that people are just and people and can be role models regardless of their perceived gender?

[stephaniec]

I'm sure the nieces therapist would have some suggestions

[LJP]

"Hey kids, all the men in your life have abandoned you except... for your other uncle who abandoned the male camp altogether!"

I think you nailed it Grace. You aren't abandoning them, you are abandoning a gender not healthy for you. I think they will remember their uncle and see their new aunt as positive role models.

[stephaniec]

My niece is older. I hadn't seen her in 20 years because of sibling issues. She contacted me through facebook , I have a some what similar problem. She has no clue that I'm transitioning and I'm afraid of her reaction because she's really my only family.

[Michelle G]

Grace, just think about how much positive fun you and your niece can have doing "girl stuff" such as shopping trips, movies, talking, etc.

It's likely a good decent male will enter her life anyway but for now a pleasent distraction might also be nice.

[EmmaD]

HI Grace,

Bit of a problem but a nice one.

My thoughts - what is it about your relationship with your sister's kids that makes you a role model?  Is it that you are a male role model or because you have been available and engaged (at least more than the other family males), a good adult relative role model?  It may be the male bit is being overplayed and may not be the critical part.

What is it about your relationship that is different from their father's?  You have answered that.  Could it be your transness ( ) that has made you the "better" role model?

Are you going to be working with the therapist or just attending one session to support and ease your niece into it?  If more, there is an opportunity to raise it and work with them with your niece and trans stuff.  Otherwise, it might be a bit much though and might depend how the niece is handling the separation. After all, it is about her, not you. 

I agree with your thought about letting the therapist know that you are there as support, not male support.  They may want to know why and their view may help how it all lands this time. There will be future opportunities no doubt.

Interesting times!

Em

[Adam (birkin)]

I don't even think it has to be a lesson about the gendering of role models (although it certainly can be if you want). I think, above all, it is a lesson in being true to who you are. And it could be a lesson in unconditional love and acceptance too. After the kids seeing your sister's ex being abusive and uncaring, perhaps this is a way for you and her to show the kids what it means to love someone and treat them with respect and dignity.

[lilacwoman]

better sit your sister down and have the talk.  or just be male for another few years until you think th ekids are rgown enough to understand.

on the other hand if you transitioned now you could show them a very caring woman which might go better with them.

[Tori]

Well spake Caleb, as usual.

Ms. Grace, forgive me for seeing a good deal of humor in your predicament.

For what it is worth, you make a fantastic role model around these parts too!

[nonameyet]

id say youre taking it a little too seriously. theres nothing wrong with being a good male role model. especially if youre not out. unless youre making every attempt to out yourself its a perfectly reasonable belief on others part. i doubt that any reputable therapist would speak to two children about their male role model. role model maybe but even thats a stretch.

anyway. my points made i guess.

[MiaOhMya!]

I have two neices, one is ten and seems to have completely forgotten I'm trans, that or she doesn't care. I really don't know how, as she was 8 when she first saw me after transition, so surely she remembers. It was Christmas Eve and I walked in...she was scared for about 2 minutes, then it was just like it had always been.

Now I am a female role model to them, my neices. Fortunately I transitioned early in their lives which I think made it easier since they didn't know me for years and years as a male.

In your situation I would transition anyway, there's no reason you can't be a role model just cause your'e female!

[Emmaline]

I read somewhere (links please if someone knows) than before puberty children adapt very quickly and easily to transitioning family.  As for me, though I was the male role model for my nephew- he is a bro-ny (male my little pony fan), so understands societies issues with gender a bit more than most!

[Ms Grace]

Thanks all for your wonderfully helpful thoughts and comments. Mirroring the situation Joan mentioned with her brother's break up I've been holding back from outing myself to my family until things have calmed down with my sister (plus an issue with my mother's health). Looks like that might take a while though. I was planning on outing myself around May, but I'll go earlier if I need to.

As far as any session with my niece's counsellor, if and when a session happens I'll play it by ear. My sister may be misrepresenting what the counsellor sees as the purpose of it all. As Emma points out the session is about my niece, not about me!

Ms. Grace, forgive me for seeing a good deal of humor in your predicament.
For what it is worth, you make a fantastic role model around these parts too!

Thanks! I try to be helpful where possible, and just plain silly where not...

And yeah, there is a huge degree of irony in this predicament. Not lost on me at all!

[Emmaline]

We are irony magnets.