Hi everyone ,
I was reading yesterday some posts around here , and I saw the 2d:4d digit rapport . So , even though I knew I will regret it , I started looking it up . I am very sensible , influencing , obsessive , pretty much all this crazy stuff .
So I read about it , I found lot of information , but I realized I don't have the feminine digit rapport
AND THAT JUST MESSED UP MY WORLD
I now feel like I am not a trans girl , just a boy , because that is the science . I read all about the implications and what does this 2d:4d reveal , and they all seem to fit , it seems that I am a typical male , maybe even an attractive one by nature/stone age period standards .
I don't have girl behavior traits , style, voice-tone , I was good at math rather than literature , I was pretty smart in school , I was attracted to men(that seems to be a trait of personality of the 'real men' , with high testosterone exposure in the womb) , I like innovation , I was and still am good at sports , i don't have superstitions , and the list goes on
Clearly the face indicate that too , if you would have a higher digit ratio - so lot of estrogen in the womb - so a feminine brain , my face would have been more feminine . Mine is as masculine as it gets , since childhood , with square strong jaw .
I am a typical male by these standards .
Not to mention that I am left handed , so that adds some worries as it seems that left handed people are more prone to be gay (although I don't consider a gay , I somehow feel like a gay/lesbian trans girl , a translesbian if you want) , and all of the studies from the sexual orientation/gender identity topic or any other psichologycal point of views .Although , even that they say it isn't any connection between sexual orientation and gender identity I clearly see some (not directly , by social standards that if you are a MTF for example you should clearly like a man ) , but in a physical , base way . I thought for a whie that we were uniques , that we have something , a 'spirit' (although not in a religious way ) , that we are somebody , we feel somehow and that if we are not ok with the body that makes us transgenders . Now I clearly think that we are just chemical/hormone regulated forms of life , so predictable in most of the general /base issues and traits . (they even did predict sexual orientation by this 2d:4d rapport)
I always hated my hands , because they are big and masculine
But I didn't know the problem is so deep
I really want to learn more about all these unconscious choices / attraction , for example that something as simple , little and overlooked that a ring finger a few millimeters longer than the pointer finger, makes a man attractive and masculine , I always knew that we get an impression about someone , not individual perception of the features , and I want to learn about all , and enhance the ones that would make me passable as a woman (though that makes me feel fake , a disguised person in order to obtain some advantages , like a completion feel , an obsession fulfilling or sexual gratification )
I feel now that my face is not just a sign of bad luck
being non feminine nor beautiful
but that is a universal plan , for men to look like men and women like women
and all is regulated by some estrogen in the womb
Somehow I feel that in a way , the real females (including in transgender group ) are the feminine looking one , with feminine faces and traits ,
that is not just luck -but the looks / traits show that they have an feminine brain
feminine thinking
personality
skills
and other
and it all be seen on the fingers ....
Then I found another IDEA that made me KO :
The transvestic fetishism ( ! from the start I want to say that I don't want anyone to be offended , I am realy ok with other people doing this)
I had an idea about that and I was feeling that I am clearly not a transvestite , because I wanted to be a full time girl , in public , socially accepted , and all that stuff .
But I guess that is a problem , it always bothered me : "I want" means that "I am " ?
I found these articles with multiple transvestism classifications
and also I felt that I could fit in their classifications
It was so hard , I felt that my heart broked in me , I panicked (and that made me feel even harder that I am into something that I found a truth , even though it is hard to deal with), I didn't and I still don't want to accept that , though , I feel that these theories explain pretty good the doubts I had . I was aware that I don't have many girl traits but I thought I could practice them , now it feels so non-genuine , it feels fake .
I don't want to do travesty , I feel fake and non-worthy
I feel that is just a sexual thing , that is not something serious , that is not a condition , is a choice - and a pervert one
yet ,I was always a sexual person, my first memories are of a sexual nature , my whole life Is based around the feeling good . I felt ok with that when I could believe that I am a girl , and that is a condition that I was born with , and it is not my fault/choice - just adjusting to the universe mistake . But now I don't know . It seemed that all this science really explain so good my struggle/ doubts/worries , yet again it could be just my obsessive nature .
I feel so bad , my whole world is destroyed
I feel that I don't have values any more , I don't know what is real and what's not , it feels that if I made an error thinking that I am a girl , maybe I misinterpreted all the situations, thoughts , feelings ..
I don't trust myself anymore , I don't know if I am ignoring or lacking some information and that makes me getting some total wrong conclusion .
I am all alone and is so hard not having someone to talk with
But that makes me even harder : for example I don't get along with my parents , I blame them for most of the things they did to me , .. . Anyway , as at trans girl I felt that I could 'come out ' ,that I had the right to do that , even though I didn't care if they will ever know or not (for sure they wouldn't accept it , I felt that a long time ago , even about liking boys - that wasn't a possibility), I felt that somehow is their fault too , for being so close minded , for messing me up . Now I don't feel I could come out and I don't even know what could I be : a gay/bi boy with transvestic fetishes , a transvestite / crossdreser , a normal person with an obsession ?
I don't feel that is something I have to come out with , it feels that is just a sexual choice , that I am being selfish in a way , looking for just my (sexual) gratification , and that no one would care about this (why would they care , not mention support or accept)
As I say , being a girl is a big goal that is the way I feel , plus all my personality traits fit me better in the feminine world , I was always fascinated with that . It doesn't excite me the most people think , it is not something sexually , in fact I started HRT about 3 weeks ago , so I don't have any sexual action going on , yet that is what I feel , it makes me feel complete , it makes me feel that o]is my universal role (even when I did have sex , I felt like a woman , lie it was a universal instinct to mate not a dirty pleasure ).
But I don't want to choose where I fit , I don't want to feel like a 'girl '- that implies that I am a boy with a perception about girls being different of me
But that is what makes me wanna die
the specialists consider that a fetish too
the behavior imitation of a girl that makes me feel good
It seems that you could develop gender dysphoria from the initial transvestic fetish , but that doesn't make me happy either .
I just don't want to accept it , I still hope to find some things to grip on , to give me the power that I am really a girl
A while ago I didn't liked the idea of being androgynous , pangender or genderfluid , now I would like those instead of being a 'boy '
I am very influencing as I said , so if I find an article about some science that give me a chance to be a girl despite all the counter-arguments it would make me feel good .
Also I already quit this job , in about 2 weeks I should be in my country , and I really want to go at a gender therapist , although that scares me too , if (s)he says that I am not 'a girl' , I will be so down .
I clearly think seriously about killing myself , I know many of the people think that is a desperate/stupid decision , but it really isn't . I am thinking about for like 4 years now , and even before I didn't put that much price on my life . I don't want to show off , and clearly not want to look 'macho ' but I am not scared of death .
It really attract me the peace I would have , basically that a sleep without dreams from which you never awake , it feels so good .
Some people I talked with (some real transgirls , I envy them so much that it hurts ) said that I am being selfish killing myself or that they are many reasons to live , but I disagree.
They don't know what is lie to live like me , what I do feel every day , it is so hard , and beside all the pain , living as a boy it is just not an option .
It scares me a lot the mental/personality instability , that sometime I feel and believe that I am a girl and then i find out something that totally contradicts my feeling , my id , with solid scientific arguments .
I would love to hear your opinions/advices
I am really sensitive , so the rude/harsh comments affect me , but I think it is better to hear something rather than nothing , so any idea is welcome .
Thanks for reading this , I hope I don't offend anyone , I really didn't intended , and I also don't want to mess up other people , I just feel the need to expose my thoughts , I feel that I am dying here (and I would love that so much )
