i think my head may explode.

[Nora Kayte]

I think my head may explode if I don't get some of my feelings out.This may be long and I may start to ramble. So let me apologize in advance. I have so much to say I guess I will start with the present.I am a 46 year old biological male. And as of right now there is no way I would ever be mistaken for a female. I have been researching therapists and have found one local, I just need to get brave enough to call. I've been thinking HRT is the right step for me but I am not 100% sure of who I am for sure. As I lay here in bed I can see the clothes in my closet and except for the t-shirts all the clothes in my closet that I wear are female. In fact right now as I lay here in bed next to my sleeping wife I am wearing all female clothing except for my T-shirt. I am even wearing my wife's pink hoodie cause I'm cold. It matches my skinny yoga pants I like to sleep in. You might be thinking what an understanding wife I have, but that is part of my problem. What she sees is all she knows. I am so afraid of loosing her I am afraid to talk to her. The only reason she knows is because I forgot to clear my browser history about a year ago when  I was searching about if you could still wear heels after ankle fusion surgery. Lol. So I had to come somewhat clean and to my surprise she was pretty understanding to at least the idea of me Cross dressing. I just started replacing my clothing piece by piece now I wear women's jeans or shorts with a T-shirt most days. Underneath I always wear a cami and panties. Does not feel right talking about my undies. But it helps paint a picture. If I am wearing pants I usually have pantyhose on. All my shoes are women's. Although except for the color( all but one pair have pink in them) they could pass for men's shoes. Oh, and I almost forgot I get GEL a Mani and Pedi every 2 weeks. It is a natural French manicure. Except for the length they look real natural. But they are longer than my wife's. Plus I do sugaring every month to rid myself of the body hair. I honestly don't think I'd lose her but I'm not sure I want to take the chance. She jokes with me that I am More female than male. The funny or serious thing is I will call her my beautiful girl or woman and she will refer to me as the same cute thing but call me boy or man and it actually hurts inside. I think I would faint if I was ever referred to as a woman. Yes I am rambling. But I warned ya. So I am sure one question would be his far would I go. If I was single and since a lot of my family is anti transgender and I don't speak to them Anyway even though they don't know. I would go all the way .But since my wife means the world to me I would go as far as possible. I think this is enough for now. This was a nice way to say hello. I have tons more questions and tons more to tell you. Just spilling what's on my mind makes me feel so much better. I welcome all replies and suggestions. But for now I need sleep.
Thank you for listening,
Norma Lynne

[LivingTheDream]

Hiyas, how far you go with this is entirely up to you. How far were you planning on going? If cross-dressing is as far as you need to go to feel good, then why not stop there? Your wife seems to be ok with that much. If you need hrt or other things, things could get complicated between the two of you. I'm not in a relationship myself but judging from other people's experiences I've read here, a lot of marriages don't last, unfortunately. I'm not saying yours won't, just saying that there's a chance it might not.

I see that you are looking for a therapist, I think that is a good place to start. I just started seeing one myself, and yes it is scary thinking about it, but when we actually started talking about things, it wasn't so bad. I found it feels a lot better talking about things with someone else instead of just bottling everything up or trying figure everything out by myself.Try calling them when they are closed and leave a message perhaps so that they can call you back if that is easier for you. I definitely think you should talk to one and tell them everything and see what you decide to do afterwards. If you decide to go forward, eventually you will have to have a talk with your wife. See what she thinks about this, what she says, what she's ok with, etc, and then decide or compromise. Maybe she'll be ok with this and everything, maybe she won't, but you won't know unless u ask. Hope this helps. Good luck,

-Kelly

[Joan]

Hello there
I remember very clearly the feeling I had holding my phone trying to find the courage to call the therapist, so I have an idea of where you are. I think that's the best thing that you can do though. I had all these thoughts chasing each other inside my head and wondered if when I actually verbalised I would still feel the same. Give yourself the chance and find out. As livingthedream says there are many ways through.
I hope you can find the best way forward.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi astnorma,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

There's no need to apologise for your introduction. In fact we need to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's a very hard thing to do at times. Don't be too concerned by the fact you won't be mistaken as a female; that in itself is a long journey, more successfully started internally to later radiate externally, usually with the assistance of a good therapist. So do yourself a big favour, get in the phone now, and ring for an appointment. You'll never look back.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Nora Kayte]

Yawn,
Just waking up and thanks to your replies the start to my morning is wonderful. Kelly asked how far i was planning on going. Right now the way I feel about how far I go is all the way without having bottom surgery and that's because of my wife. Until we have the "discussion" I think that would be the farthest I could go without losing her. And then I would still need to be able to present myself as somewhat male as possible. Don't know how that would work but I am just starting the journey. So I guess we will be playing a lot by ear.
Ta ta for now,
Norma Lynne

[Nora Kayte]

My wife and I were getting ready to go to the pet expo. And I decided to wear my new corduroy pants. And she called me skinny. I forget what was said before but she then said I would love you no matter what you looked like. And I asked. " no matter what? But before she could answer I changed the subject by kidding around. I truly hope she literally meant " no matter what"

Now different subject. I am wearing these skinny pants and I look like a guy wearing women's pants. In public so I am a little nervous. And since I tuck every day it shows if you were to look close.

[Nora Kayte]

Omg I just got caught posting on this board. More on that later its good I think. Lol