When he dies and you live

[Cindy]

My past was terrible.

My future is great

How do you deal with your past?

[FalseHybridPrincess]

I try not to think about it too much

and even though I like to see it as something dark and epic , thinking about it always makes me sad.

[Jessica Merriman]

I sometimes get down about the fact I could not live as the real me, but it gave me the tools for a successful transition.

[suzifrommd]

How do you deal with your past?

I'm different.

I am my past. I was a man for 50 years, and that history is still with me, as are all its lessons, memories, and relationships. Most of the people I know, knew me as a man. Most of the things I accomplished, I did when I was a man. That's all still part of me.

I've changed a lot since my transition, but I'm still me. I don't see myself as a different person, just one one has gone through changes in circumstance.

Of course, my past was not terrible like yours was. For the most part I've had a decent life and, unlike you, most of the bad things that happened to me were all or in part caused by me.

[Cindy]

I'm sorry I should not have posted.

No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.

My chains sound. It's been a long time.

I'm OK

Hugs

[Eva Marie]

I'm sorry I should not have posted.

No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.

My chains sound. It's been a long time.

I'm OK

Hugs

Cindy - you can post about anything dear - we are here to surround you with love when your chains are rattling. It seems that we all have some chains somewhere.

My past? My old self did the best he could given his circumstances, but he was an unhappy individual. Still he got me to where I am today, and for that I am grateful. Like Suzi said we are all products of our past.

[Nero]

I'm sorry I should not have posted.

No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.

My chains sound. It's been a long time.

I'm OK

Hugs

I love you hon. 

I don't know what it is really. I've been transitioned for years, yet I can't seem to live. I don't know how to let go of my past. I've been trying for years. I keep bringing up these awful issues affecting women and upsetting everyone. I guess because somehow I've realized some of current issues have to do with that. Maybe it got all twisted with me being trans.

Or maybe it's grief. I lost a lot of people the year I came out - my partner, family members. I think that's it's so hard to let 'her' go. Because 'she' had those people and I don't. So I don't know whether I'm grieving her or those I lost. I find myself so upset and so aggrieved that I have so few pictures of her. Because most times I couldn't bear to look at her and feared the camera. But I find myself oddly placed and still plagued by her issues.

[Beverly]

I'm sorry I should not have posted.

Why do you say this? You need support, just like everyone else. You know that bottling pain up does not lessen it. You have helped enough people to know that sharing it can be cathartic. Now is your turn.

No one can and no one will ever understand.

Maybe. Maybe not. But the people here are the most likely to understand and to be able to empathise.

My chains sound. It's been a long time.

Yes. I know how that works. 

Perhaps you should change your viewpoint. For myself I do not believe that "he died" and "I lived". I prefer to think that there never was a "he" but looked like there was. The outer wrapper was wrong and I am fixing that. There was never a "him" but there was always a "me" just trying to do my best and play the cards I was dealt. It was a lousy hand but I did my best and no one can ever ask for any more than that from me.

[suzifrommd]

I'm sorry I should not have posted.

No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.

My chains sound. It's been a long time.

I'm OK

Hugs

I'm glad you did post. It's an important topic and it's helpful to see how different people dealt with it.

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who understands and empathizes.

I know you're OK, but hugs back to you anyway. You deserve them.

[ErinWDK]

I'm sorry I should not have posted.

No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.

My chains sound. It's been a long time.

I'm OK

Hugs

Go ahead and post.  This is your turn to recieve support.  The past is a horrible thing to deal with, or at least for me.  About the only way to deal with it is to bring the memories out in the light of day and bit by bit work on processing them.

I had some really awful things happen many years ago.  I have had anger issues ever since.  Hm...  there seems to be a connection.  This is something I am starting to get to working out with my therapist - after a load of sessions.  None of this is easy.

We are all here for you.


Erin

[Jill F]

The past is simply that.  Nothing will ever change it and worrying about it or beating yourself up over it is futile and pointless.

Forward I go.  It's all I can do.

I don't see "him" as dead, "he" was me and I am very much alive.  I was sick and slowly dying, but no longer.

[Christine Eryn]

I often imagine it would be like David Banner walking up to his own gravestone in The Incredible Hulk. That's how I sometimes think about my "true self", like a comic book character. Until I find a way to bury the "Evil Superman", there will be some kind of inner torment. I have been working on a cure, and it seems like it's working. 

[big kim]

Jimmy protected Kim until it was safe for her to come out.For many years she thought he imprisoned her but now realises he was her guardian.Jimmy was an ordinary kid who grew up to be an ordinary man,basically good though he drank too much,smoked too much weed and took speed and sometimes got into fights,(usually to protect someone from being picked on by a bully or thug)Jimmy and Kim were both locked up and only one of them could be released,"It's your turn now,I'm so tired" he said one day.For the first time she noticed how much he had aged and how tired he looked.She walked out of the cell.
I hope this makes sense as it's the only way I could describe it.Sorry if it seems weird

[Adam (birkin)]

I've dealt with the past in questionable ways. I basically cut everyone out of my life who knew me before, with the exception of family and my ex. I even started going to new stores and other establishments, unless I absolutely have to go to one I used to frequent. When I've had my surgery, I'll take the final step forward and move away.

Although I can't say I'm overly pleased with the time I spent as female, that isn't the problem in and of itself. When people find out about my past, even the supportive ones hold it against me. "Oh, you were once a girl? From now on you are imbued with every feminine quality I can think of!" They just don't treat me the same, and it's like they can't accept that I am 100% man.

[Sephirah]

If I posted about my past, it would rival the greatest storylines in the best soap operas you've ever seen. But I keep quiet, because... well, because I have to.

For the most part I ignore it. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I'd have done something stupid a long time ago. It isn't the best approach but it works for me. Doesn't stop the flashbacks but... yeah.

Sorry, I wish I had something better to say. Not really in a good place right now.

[Rachel]

Jimmy protected Kim until it was safe for her to come out.For many years she thought he imprisoned her but now realises he was her guardian.Jimmy was an ordinary kid who grew up to be an ordinary man,basically good though he drank too much,smoked too much weed and took speed and sometimes got into fights,(usually to protect someone from being picked on by a bully or thug)Jimmy and Kim were both locked up and only one of them could be released,"It's your turn now,I'm so tired" he said one day.For the first time she noticed how much he had aged and how tired he looked.She walked out of the cell.
I hope this makes sense as it's the only way I could describe it.Sorry if it seems weird

Tears are a rolling!

Cindy, Hugs. You are one of the most selfless and caring persons my path has crossed. Perhaps our pasts help shape our present and future. I have made many mistakes hiding and lying to myself. I am correcting those mistakes and hopefully in a caring compassionate way; compassion begins with self. I did what I could when I could.

[Northern Jane]

I suppose I was in a little different situation in that I never really 'passed' as a guy. I identified as female from very early childhood and throughout my early life everyone knew I was "different". Many probably thought I was gay because I was never interested in girls (romantically or sexually), never dated, and couldn't even bear the thought of anything serious with a girl.

Transition at age 24 was a snap for me because I had been living as a girl off and on for years and within a couple of years I notice that my past was undergoing a bit of a revision. I saw that my response to my childhood was actually that of a young girl stuck in a very untenable situation. An unusual response, certainly, but everything rather fit.

[Kade1985]

I try to forget my past a lot of the times. Not just because of the transgender stuff but for a lot of reasons. Now I'm not saying I've had it worse than anyone else but my past wasn't an easy one and it still causes me pain from time to time.

Though, that said, my past has helped shape me, my future, and has brought the people I know to me in one form or another. I can never truly forget my past, but I can learn from it, be better because of it, and be grateful for the things I have now vs when I didn't back then.

[immortal gypsy]

My past was hectic a whirlwind calm and sometimes very chaotic,  it made me the person I am today. If you asked me would I do it all again I would say yes in a heartbeat. The only thing I regret is not having the strength to come out in high school.

The reason why your friends pain transfers is because your his friend and you care,  there is nothing wrong with that it means your a loving person who feels for her friends and cares when their down.  If all of humanity had these qualities the world would be a better place to live in.

Don't be afraid to post and ask for help when you're down,  nobody can and should be expected to asked to carry all the burdens on their own. We may have made the journey from different destinations but we are all making it, so let someone else help you now and then

Just remember while you're here you'll never walk alone.

Hugs

[Ltl89]

Sadly, I think my past really impacts my future.  Had my childhood and been different maybe I would be a strong or normal person.  I'll never know.  I guess this really impacts me day after day because I've never really grown past these things and understood how to develop as a normal person.  One thing I'll say though is that we can;t change it.  It will always be what it once was.  All we can do is move forward and hopefully that will be more productive than dwelling on the past.  Though, sometimes understanding and embracing the past is one of the keys that allow us to move on.  Sorry this isn't all that helpful, but it's something that I have a really hard time with. 

Cindy, please don't apologize for posting.  All of us have our issues and deserve a space to talk about it.  You are no lesser than anyone else here.  You can be a suportive, helpful and inspirational person while also openly needing support and discussing your hardships.