Alcohol Abuse and Denial

[AlexHunter]

I posted a lot of this in my intro thread, but the short version is that I had a real breakthrough about a month ago about my alcohol abuse when I finally realized the truth about my gender issues. I had been using cross-gender dress as a sexual fetish, but in doing so had pushed down my underlying needs, which I'm still figuring out. I don't know all the labels, but I'm coming to realize that I am in a different place on the gender spectrum than I had ever allowed myself to believe. I was in deep, deep, denial.

Since my breakthrough (which was an incredibly intense emotional breakdown), I have been sober. It's just been one month (a little less than, actually) but I am amazed at the fact that I've gone from getting passing-out drunk 3-5 nights a week to not drinking at all (I've had a beer and a half with one meal and two glasses of wine with Easter dinner) and I've had no cravings or temptations.

I'm wondering if anyone else had been through something similar -- if getting a better handle on the gender issue (and the pain that it causes) had caused a sudden shift in substance abuse or addiction. Thanks in advance.

[Ms Grace]

Hi Alex, I haven't personally but I hear what you've experienced is quiet common and I'm sure there are some folk here that will share their story.

[JulieBlair]

Hi Alex,
I've been sober for twenty-five years.  Before that I was a pretty typical alcoholic, kind of like what you describe. Gender issues may have been a part of it, but the truth is I loved pretty much everything about drinking.  For me sobering up was easy - I did it dozens if not hundreds of times. Living sober was pretty tough, impossible actually.  I had to find community and guidance, for me that was AA.  I still go to meetings, and participate.  It is necessary for me even though I have been sober a long time.  Just as my gender dysphoria was progressive, so was my alcohol addiction.  Just as authenticity has helped me discover who I am in this context, AA and the steps of recovery changed my view of the world and my place in it and has given me the tools to live life on life's terms rather than mine.  If you want to talk recovery, PM me and I'll give you my contact information.  You are not alone in this, and there is both help and a solution.  It is neither easy nor quick, but is is life affirming and sometimes life saving.  Good luck and I hope to hear from you.
Julie

[AlexHunter]

Hi Alex,
I've been sober for twenty-five years.  Before that I was a pretty typical alcoholic, kind of like what you describe. Gender issues may have been a part of it, but the truth is I loved pretty much everything about drinking.  For me sobering up was easy - I did it dozens if not hundreds of times. Living sober was pretty tough, impossible actually.  I had to find community and guidance, for me that was AA.  I still go to meetings, and participate.  It is necessary for me even though I have been sober a long time.  Just as my gender dysphoria was progressive, so was my alcohol addiction.  Just as authenticity has helped me discover who I am in this context, AA and the steps of recovery changed my view of the world and my place in it and has given me the tools to live life on life's terms rather than mine.  If you want to talk recovery, PM me and I'll give you my contact information.  You are not alone in this, and there is both help and a solution.  It is neither easy nor quick, but is is life affirming and sometimes life saving.  Good luck and I hope to hear from you.
Julie

Responded privately.

[big kim]

I abused alcohol to blot out dysphoria from 13.I never got into spirits or liquor but found that as I  got older my taste and tolerance for alcohol decreased hugely. I've drunk 3 glasses of cider and 4 glasses of wine so far this year.Both my parents were alcoholics,my Dad still is and I've wondered if I've inherited it though my sister drinks more than me she's still a moderate drinker.

[Satinjoy]

I am 30 years now in AA.  At about 60 days sober, and really struggling, I decided to get completely desperate and i finally came out in the meeting for the first time to anyone - by showing up crossdressed.

They told me I needed a better wig, that I had a lot of guts, and that I don't have to drink today.  There was nothing but unconditional love and acceptance.

AA works, I still go to meetings, I chair them, I started one at 7AM to get a head start on my day, and when the dysphoria broke me again last year, they have helped me to get through the alcoholic part, as my brain will seize on anything to try to drive me back to a drink.

But it wont.  I am clean and sober 28 1/2 years.  I never take it for granted.  April 27th will be 30 years since my last drink, when I threw up on a Broadway directors foot.

AA is a wonderful place.

[JulieBlair]

Hi Miss Satinjoy,
Happy birthday!!  On a directors foot?  Really?  Too funny, but I'll bet it wasn't at the time.  I hope it was at rehearsal or a cast party.

Break a Leg
Julie

[Nero]

I'm sure it's different for everyone, but I still drink a lot. For me though, drinking was always tied more to grief than gender stuff.

[Satinjoy]

Hi Miss Satinjoy,
Happy birthday!!  On a directors foot?  Really?  Too funny, but I'll bet it wasn't at the time.  I hope it was at rehearsal or a cast party.

Break a Leg
Julie

It was a Broadway show I was cast in that had just been closed that night without opening, over a rights issue.  They took the cast out to an open bar and I was too inexperieced at 30 days sober.  The good part is I actually can remember my last drink lol.

Many thanks.

[Jill F]

Oh yes, denial and booze.  Denial and drugs.  Then it was "Holy f***ing s***, I'm trans!" and I about lost it.  Then I thought I'd drink myself so blotto that I didn't care if I ever woke up, like being trans was the end of the world.  Fear of the unknown and all that.  Well, I did wake up in the hospital twice inside of a couple of weeks.

The good news is that I don't feel I have to drink all the time anymore.  I don't need to get blotto or escape my reality anymore. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin now and if I do drink now, it's just to have fun or enjoy a great bottle of wine.  My wife and I are a riot when we drink together.  We don't every day, but when we have "happy hour", it's just that.