Shattered

[allisonsteph]

As you may have been able to ascertain from my recent activity I have been experiencing a crisis. Life in a word, has been overwhelming and it became too much to handle. In addition to my life stressors, I was abusing prescription pain killers and anxiety medication.

Early morning on Saturday May 17 I attempted suicide by hanging. I was interrupted before I did any harm to myself, but the person that interrupted me was unaware that they had. As the day progressed my mood became darker and I was more depressed. That evening I checked myself into Kaiser Roseville Medical Center. I was placed on an involuntary 72 hour hold in a psychiatric hospital. Upon being discharged from the hospital I was transferred to a crisis residential center, where I spent 8 nights. During my time there I was not allowed access to my cell phone or the internet. I was discharged today Thursday May 29, 2014.

I am not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination. While I am currently not suicidal, I am still very depressed. I have an appointment for therapy scheduled for Monday June 3, and we will map out a treatment plan then. I managed to get a motel for a couple of nights and I am on a waiting list for a homeless shelter, but otherwise will be on the streets until I find a bed.

This experience has taught me something... I suffer from mental illness. I am also an alcoholic and a drug addict. I have not had a pain pill in 12 days and it's been over a month since my last drink. I have not had caffeine or sugar in 11 days as well. I'm on the road to recovery, but I am fully aware that it will be a long and treacherous ride.

I will check in as I am able.


Allison

[stephaniec]

As you may have been able to ascertain from my recent activity I have been experiencing a crisis. Life in a word, has been overwhelming and it became too much to handle. In addition to my life stressors, I was abusing prescription pain killers and anxiety medication.

Early morning on Saturday May 17 I attempted suicide by hanging. I was interrupted before I did any harm to myself, but the person that interrupted me was unaware that they had. As the day progressed my mood became darker and I was more depressed. That evening I checked myself into Kaiser Roseville Medical Center. I was placed on an involuntary 72 hour hold in a psychiatric hospital. Upon being discharged from the hospital I was transferred to a crisis residential center, where I spent 8 nights. During my time there I was not allowed access to my cell phone or the internet. I was discharged today Thursday May 29, 2014.

I am not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination. While I am currently not suicidal, I am still very depressed. I have an appointment for therapy scheduled for Monday June 3, and we will map out a treatment plan then. I managed to get a motel for a couple of nights and I am on a waiting list for a homeless shelter, but otherwise will be on the streets until I find a bed.

This experience has taught me something... I suffer from mental illness. I am also an alcoholic and a drug addict. I have not had a pain pill in 12 days and it's been over a month since my last drink. I have not had caffeine or sugar in 11 days as well. I'm on the road to recovery, but I am fully aware that it will be a long and treacherous ride.

I will check in as I am able.


Allison

well, it can be done. I cleaned my self up a whiles back never to return

[Jessica Merriman]

I am so glad an angel intervened and you are now on the road to treatment. I hope you emerge stronger and full of life. Here is a BIG HUG  to comfort you. I wish it could be more! 

I have been off Morphine for 18 months now myself. I have not had a desire for it since.

[Newgirl Dani]

Hello Allison, in my limited way I offer any help I can give.  I used for 35 years (injecting then last 10 or 12 years just drinking ALOT) and now have over 18 years totally clean and sober.  I do my own program so 12 step is not part of my life.  Anytime you want to talk, unload, or just kick it around I am here (I just have to figure out how to PM then all will be a go).  ANYTHING is DOABLE!  Here if you need it,  Dani

[justpat]

   I heard an angel sent you a pm good luck !

[xNatasha]

Life can always get benough .
And no one knows better than me. Generally we most often only see
The worst in humanity and only see ourselves at the lowest.
I am a middle aged woman that was born in Alberta last century.
I was rejected by my parents and kicked out if my home. Also at the same time
I was being bullied out of school so hard. I dropped out with grade 8 education.
Now what would a 16 year old do when winter is here and it drops to
-40℃ which is == -40℉? You do what you have to when no shelters
Take you. No social programs will help you. Can't sign a apartment lease.
Can't collect a welfare check. The only way to survive is day by day.
And that either meant risking being assaulted raped in a men's shelter
Which isn't to appealing. Sleep where? No one looked at me and the only
Human contact I got was security gaurds kicking me out if heated parkades or
Cashiers and if course old perverted queers who wanted to abuse me in my
Severly marginalized situation by offering a bed to stuck their thing in me.
I did what I had to do. By the time I reakized I can get paid for this.
And I became the sex class. We all were. High unemployment low
Education homelessnesss. It was what all of us trans woman were.
We heard stories about ones that were successfull but they were born into
Money beyond our imagination ans bought their ticket. Not us we were
Relagated to the sex class. And there I stayed for 15 years. And there it is why
Xchristine is a harsh girl with opinions set in reality. I am one of Yeh last of my
Era. I know more dead girls than I do alive. I was made a machine by society.
I was silenced and made invisible and no one spoke to me except for
Men who wanted to trade $$ for my body. Well I did get saved and moved on
It has changed my view points. Society has changed and even the trans group
Has changed. I even had to block trans on facebook due to them having no
Idea my era was marginilized to being the sex class. Men don't marry girls who cant
Get pregnant but they definitely use our bodies.  Sex class.
It is ironic how life changes. Now left my last job making upwards  of
6k a month. Things change and men love to hear me talk. I'm still sex
Trade engaged. It's embedded in me. But the stigma from whith in
Is terrible.
What I'm saying is when you think you can't get any lowe,
You can get equally high in status also. I went from standing on street corners
Selling my body to driving a fully loaded brand new Camry. And I still
Have my looks. I quit herion cold turkey no methedone. I have been raped
So many times it is a very unemotional event now. You can't break me

I will prevail and so will you. You must find you little tiny bit of inner hope and
Strength somewhere inside you. It is there you have to find it.
Even a gram of it is enough to keep you alive to see the sun come up.
I know I was there from an era very few know anything about.
Dream about tommorow

[anais]

A friend send me this song today because I'm also going through a rough period in my life and it really got to me.



I hope you hold on and be strong to get through these tough times.

[KittyKat]

Life gets hard at times, but its worth living. You just have to hold on to the important things in a dark times. I've been in the hospital 3 times now since September and spent almost 3 months combined there. What I'm trying to do now is look at positive things only, nobody has time to spend on negative thoughts in this world, especially when those thoughts are going to cause pain.

[Rachel]

Allison, I a hopeful your situation will get better. Keep on going and staying clean and sober.

I know right now it is bad and dealing with all is extremely difficult and painful but you can do it.

I once had court ordered 6 months of weekly group and weekly counseling for alcohol with supervised urine samples for drugs and alcohol. If I screwed up I would be in jail.  I was free for 6 months then fell the day I got off the program. 5 years later I was curled up in a ball crying the day I gave up alcohol and drugs. It was a really tough year but I am now free for 16 years. You can do it.

[allisonsteph]

Day number 15 clean. I attended my first NA meeting last night. I spent the weekend In a motel, but will be back on the streets tonight. I will check in when possible.