Documenting my spiral

[campenella]

I'm just ranting a little bit and sorting out my feelings.

I was on the edge of suicide for a few days, I felt like I was being so critical of reading other messages of hope to people on why they shouldn't do it. I felt hopeless and I was at a place where I just couldn't deal anymore. Then I just forced myself to power through my feelings and focus all my energy into something else. I played a bunch of games to distract myself, and listened to music but I was too lethargic to do anything else. In the morning I'm calling my doctor and my insurance because insurance has been yanking me around with various things going back and forth. Their hesitance to pay for things I medically need along with my doctor's office not really trying to push things is driving me up the wall. All they can tell me is 'People in the future will thank you for the things you have to go through now.' And it makes me want to cry. I don't want anyone to go through any of this bull->-bleeped-<-.

I went from feeling optimism to being scared. Back when lots of good things were happening to me last month I had a feeling things would fall apart just as fast. They usually do. I keep thinking to myself that I wouldn't feel so horrible about everything if I just got rid of my top dysphoria. My face has changed drastically in the amount of time I've been depressed and thinking of myself looking a certain way so I couldn't get rid of the facial dysphoria since I didn't even want to look at myself. I have dysphoria over having ovaries and I know my insurance will pay for it but my hmo is being really slow to respond to me.

I'm putting myself out there so much and I know I can overcome this, but I'm just obsessed about top surgery and worried about my life in the future.  I know it's not the end all, but the more fit I get, the better I feel about my shape and fat redistribution the more I just can't stand not having that flatness. Binding makes me so so miserable and I'm tired of toughing it out. If things don't work out I may need to be in a ward for a little while so I won't hurt myself.  I've told my mother already what is going on and I don't want to put stress on her because she's got a lot of physical pain that she deals with on a daily basis.

I spent the day with my family the other day bbqing and I had so much fun that I missed living all in one house again and it was super late when we left but I just wanted that day to last forever. I never thought I'd be trying to do things so fast last year when I decided to transition and never did take heed to people telling you that it can hit you like a brick when you start hrt. The more things change, the more obvious other things become to your mind. I don't regret going on testosterone though, nothing is better than looking more masculine and having that great feeling that I gender myself correctly in my own brain and call myself by my own name after so long hating my birth name.

I do feel better than I did a few days ago, but a psych ward is still on the table if things get really bad for me again. I'm definitely not out of the part and I know I need help. I don't know exactly what they'll allow me to do there, but if I do need to go I hope I can still look in on Susan's and read the support that goes on. I'll look in on this thread, but I don't know if I'll have the energy to immediately reply to anything.

[campenella]

I'm doing better now, I guess I'm kinda talking to myself. I can socialize a little better now and I'm reaching out to people. In the back of my mind I always know what I can do in an emergency and I have my insurance's mental health  emergency number very close to me at all times. I still feel very lonely and empty and have trouble with my sleep schedule, but I'm back on track with trying my best to get money for top surgery. I don't know what the future holds for me, but in the meantime I'm focusing my efforts on my work.

[Cindy]

You are never alone. We are here and even if people don't post, they listen.

Keeping positive on this journey is a hard thing to do. Our hearts and emotions often feel shredded, but we have life and it can be and will be wonderful.

You have your emergency number handy - I'm so proud of you for doing that; it shows strength of heart and character.

Hugs

Cindy

[Ms Grace]

You are doing better than maybe you realise. Sometimes all that is needed of bad feeling and thoughts is to acknowledge they are there but know you don't need to do anything with or about them. Usually they are replaced with more positive outlooks within a few days. When they persist that is when you seek appropriate help and support. Hugs.

[campenella]

Thank you Cindy and Ms. Grace. I'm a little bit short on words, but your thoughts mean a lot to me.

[campenella]

I ended up in the Er today after I started to self harm again. I called my insurance before hand and they sent me to a specific one.  I was really upfront about that and how it's gender dysphoria. The docs basically tried to push depression meds which in my humble opinion do not make gender dysphoria easier to handle or the problems I'm facing easier to deal with. It was a really horrible experience, I was in a small cold room with a little blanket and no pillows for around 6 hours and was pretty much left alone in an 'alert' room that could be locked with a sliding bolt from the outside. They asked a lot of questions but gave little in the way of answers. They told me that a stay in the ward would be for four days and the therapy wasn't really apart of their system.

That's not what I wanted and my doctor kept telling me that he believed that I needed depression meds. I told him that I knew it was depression from the stress and dysphoria of being transgender. I don't think he completely understood. When I explained it to him he agreed that meds wouldn't exactly make my issues easier or better and so they set me up with psychiatrist and let me go home finally. I'm tired now.

[violethaze]

Silly horrible medical barriers. I'm sorry that they're weighing down so heavily on you right now. Hopefully you're alright, and you've been able to get some support somewhere in the last few days.

I have very intense facial dysphoria and it kind of sucks that it's never talked about, perhaps because most guys are able to grow facial hair and find that eases things for them. I do myself the favour every day of not looking in the mirror.

I focus on work too because it's the one grounding thing in my life, and the thing that makes any hope in the future still possible.

[Felix]

Is there a reason you don't want to try medication? Chemicals aren't a solution, but they can make finding solutions a heck of a lot easier. I particularly love antidepressants, and mine help with chronic pain and dysphoria as much as what they were prescribed for. Drugs are a crutch, but I'm not sure why crutches are seen as bad.

Please be careful with behaviors that lead to hospitalizations. That kind of thing in your records can become a burden later, and the conditions in psych wards are often far from therapeautic.

When my life gets really bad, or when it did, or when it gets sorta bad, books and music...I don't know how to get the tenses to agree in this sentence anymore. But books and music are reliable, powerful paths that you can use to get through stuff or figure out how to get to where you're going.

[JohannaJohn]

Wow.  Ok, first of all, I want to share with you that life is worth living.

But, you may need many days of just resting in a low-stress situation in your home.

In my opinion, you should ASAP seek an MD competent in gender dysphoria issues.  Immediately.

So that you can get the rights meds you need to treat your gender dysphoria ASAP.

If you are female to male, I don't know a lot about those details as I am male to female.  If you are male to female, I can help you with more of the details.

As a possibly drastic solution, if you absolutely cannot get competent gender dystphoria help where you are ...

AND if your only only solution is to end your life or end up in a psychiatric ward locked up...

If and only iff the above conditions are true, then maybe consider hopping on an international flight to a country where medical barriers to dealing with your gender dyshoria are less severe, such as the Latin country where I have lived for many years.

But this also depends on your time and money.  Such an idea might save your life, if you otherwise might be stuck in a psych ward with no access to the counseling and hormones you need, or otheriwise might take your life.

I sincerely hope you find happiness.

There are some great people here, ready to help.  I am new, but I hope I have helped uou.

Hugs,
Johanna.

[campenella]

Thank you for the replies everyone I'm going to do a little explaining and answering here to the best of my ability because this thread is hard for me to think in since it's really the most personal and in depth I've been. Most of my replies were written the day before or after I had really bad experiences and are my thoughts of the situation as they happened.  Reading what I wrote just a little while back makes me feel like it's all so far away.

Is there a reason you don't want to try medication? Chemicals aren't a solution, but they can make finding solutions a heck of a lot easier. I particularly love antidepressants, and mine help with chronic pain and dysphoria as much as what they were prescribed for. Drugs are a crutch, but I'm not sure why crutches are seen as bad.

Please be careful with behaviors that lead to hospitalizations. That kind of thing in your records can become a burden later, and the conditions in psych wards are often far from therapeautic.

When my life gets really bad, or when it did, or when it gets sorta bad, books and music...I don't know how to get the tenses to agree in this sentence anymore. But books and music are reliable, powerful paths that you can use to get through stuff or figure out how to get to where you're going.

I know that going to a psych ward doesn't look good and I thought about it, but I didn't know what else to do, I was panicking at the time and harming myself. I had just come down from a really bad mental breakdown and had horrible insomnia coupled with disassociation. I didn't even know what day it was. I had to just stop thinking about how it looked and just get help as I could. It did and didn't help me. I am now waiting for my therapist to send me verification that my doctor sent him a referral. I'm not dead. Books and music just weren't helping me, nothing was helping me get out of that mind space. Everything was a distraction to keep me from sleeping and just making me miserable. I'm going to talk to my doctor next week who understands that things happen and it won't stop me from being on T since I'm already on.

As for meds, they only gave me two choices-take the meds we say you should take during your stay or go home. There was no therapy involved and honestly they weren't telling me anything during my stay about why they thought it would help me. They just said 'it'll help you cope'   I don't think anyone who uses anti depressants are bad or that I personally don't need them. I just rejected the reasoning that they gave me that I just needed to take them and then ok no more dysphoria. They told my mother that I needed to be in therapy before I even started transition like that makes it easier or makes me less dysphoric. I didn't end up on the ward, so I think I'm okay with regards to further hurdles. I'm paying for my own top surgery and I'm pushing forward with hysterectomy. Stopping me from doing that would only hurt me more so I see no reason why they would.

[campenella]

Wow.  Ok, first of all, I want to share with you that life is worth living.

But, you may need many days of just resting in a low-stress situation in your home.

In my opinion, you should ASAP seek an MD competent in gender dysphoria issues.  Immediately.

So that you can get the rights meds you need to treat your gender dysphoria ASAP.

If you are female to male, I don't know a lot about those details as I am male to female.  If you are male to female, I can help you with more of the details.

As a possibly drastic solution, if you absolutely cannot get competent gender dystphoria help where you are ...

AND if your only only solution is to end your life or end up in a psychiatric ward locked up...

If and only iff the above conditions are true, then maybe consider hopping on an international flight to a country where medical barriers to dealing with your gender dyshoria are less severe, such as the Latin country where I have lived for many years.

But this also depends on your time and money.  Such an idea might save your life, if you otherwise might be stuck in a psych ward with no access to the counseling and hormones you need, or otheriwise might take your life.

I sincerely hope you find happiness.

There are some great people here, ready to help.  I am new, but I hope I have helped uou.

Hugs,
Johanna.

Thank you for your suggestions, but I have a family here and a mother that needs medical care that I worry about a great deal. I couldn't possibly leave my family behind. The idea of moving to Colorado has been on my mind a great deal. I'm female to male and I'm on hormones right now. I'm seeing my regular doctor the week after next and I'm getting the help that I need.

[campenella]

I also want to thank all of you for your thoughts and wishes. I was going to update today now that I've had a chance to recover a little bit from my stint in the er. I did not end up on the ward, but I did get a referral to a therapist. The place they wanted me to go to is only open to the first 10 people of the day there at 8am. The intake would take 1-2 hrs and they might not even take you. I immediately called my lgbt clinic and asked my doctor for a referral to the gender therapists they have there. I had issues with the schedule in the past since it's so late at night, but I'll find a way. I see my normal doctor the first week in August. The summer is usually the worst time of year, but this year was a doozy. I got in contact with a fellow ftm friend of mine and I am focusing right now on pushing into college to keep myself busy along with job hunting. I'm not back to being my usual chipper self, but I'm doing everything I can.

[Felix]

I agree that it's not useful to have meds forced on you if you're capable of discussing the matter. I still feel like inpatient situations are usually unhealthy if you aren't floridly psychotic or something, but I understand there aren't a lot of other clear options in dire situations.

I refuse to take medications from anyone who isn't at least willing to humor me in asking about my opinions and concerns. You should be allowed to set ground rules and maintain a certain level of dignity with your healthcare providers, and it's worth fighting to get better ones if you don't feel comfortable with the ones you have. If you can't trust them then no healthcare is actually happening. All that applies to mental health and feelings and identity; I'm not suggesting you should refuse heart medicine or insulin or bonesetting or anything else that's needed and workable without your feeling good about it.

I don't know if you've ever willingly participated in therapy, but it helps my dysphoria a lot. Having a well-educated and mostly neutral person who is paid to sit there and listen and be helpful is usually good. Some therapists bring in their own issues too much, and I've had a couple who were borderline abusive, but most were alright. Even when I have a therapist I'm not attached to, I like going because it's a real thing that I'm doing to try to be a better person.

Sorry about the music and books advice. I know that was trite, but I didn't want to give specific examples about which artists and authors helped me get through because I know that tastes matter a lot and are pretty variable.

I'm glad you're doing better and I hope you don't overly regret venting when you weren't.

[campenella]

I agree that it's not useful to have meds forced on you if you're capable of discussing the matter. I still feel like inpatient situations are usually unhealthy if you aren't floridly psychotic or something, but I understand there aren't a lot of other clear options in dire situations.

I refuse to take medications from anyone who isn't at least willing to humor me in asking about my opinions and concerns. You should be allowed to set ground rules and maintain a certain level of dignity with your healthcare providers, and it's worth fighting to get better ones if you don't feel comfortable with the ones you have. If you can't trust them then no healthcare is actually happening. All that applies to mental health and feelings and identity; I'm not suggesting you should refuse heart medicine or insulin or bonesetting or anything else that's needed and workable without your feeling good about it.

I don't know if you've ever willingly participated in therapy, but it helps my dysphoria a lot. Having a well-educated and mostly neutral person who is paid to sit there and listen and be helpful is usually good. Some therapists bring in their own issues too much, and I've had a couple who were borderline abusive, but most were alright. Even when I have a therapist I'm not attached to, I like going because it's a real thing that I'm doing to try to be a better person.

Sorry about the music and books advice. I know that was trite, but I didn't want to give specific examples about which artists and authors helped me get through because I know that tastes matter a lot and are pretty variable.

I'm glad you're doing better and I hope you don't overly regret venting when you weren't.

Thank you for your words, I've been really frustrated lately and I don't want to take it out on anyone when I want to be concise in my feelings and be kind to people who only want to help. I don't mean to be snippy Felix-I watched a whole bunch of Anne of Green Gables today and that always gets me crying and out of my funk. I know you were just giving me some options, please don't worry about it.

I agree with you about therapy and that was the main reason I didn't want to just go off and take any kind of depression medicine. I know how my dysphoria works and how my depression works and so I couldn't in good faith just say 'ok let's just take whatever' without having them explain exactly what was going to happen. I was lucid and talking to them and they were talking to me as if I didn't truly understand what I was saying. I've willingly participated in therapy before and the switch to new insurance and a lgbt clinic from just doing drop ins based on needs had me really shook up at a vulnerable time. I don't regret this thread. I'm actually saving it for the future so I can see how far I've come.

[Felix]

Insurance changes are rough, and lgbt clinics are a whole other animal from typical psych places. I go to an agency that is meant to be for underaged sexual minorities, but even as old as I am it feels like a better fit than seeing therapists who didn't usually understand gender stuff very well.

I use the whole internet as a searchable gauge of how things have gone when I need to make decisions. xD

[campenella]

Insurance changes are rough, and lgbt clinics are a whole other animal from typical psych places. I go to an agency that is meant to be for underaged sexual minorities, but even as old as I am it feels like a better fit than seeing therapists who didn't usually understand gender stuff very well.

I use the whole internet as a searchable gauge of how things have gone when I need to make decisions. xD

I didn't even know how different they were until I went in. I thought I'd be in therapy for years before starting T, thought everything would turn out so much differently. I hope things continue going well for you, even if you're a little older than the people they usually take!

Oh man, I'm glad I purged my younger self from the internet. I didn't really go many places besides neopets etc and I'm glad for it.

[campenella]

It's hard to write in this thread still, but I feel like it's helped me so much in trying times. I've sort of turned a corner and although I know I'm still struggling; I feel so much better. I spend lots of time with my mother, who is my anchor right now and I may spend some time with my sister next week before my appointment with my gp in August. I'm planning on telling him about the pain in my back while binding and doing everything I can to get a loan or credit card secured to get top surgery on the table while getting my affairs in order with a therapist. I'm still working with my surgeon for my hysterectomy-He just got off vacation so I'm waiting until I visit my GP before I follow up with another doctor who will do the surgery for me. With a doctor date in the future for me I am counting my days until I go and having that and school to focus on is keeping me busy. I feel more in control of things.

[Felix]

Really good to hear that things are going better now, and that's awesome that you are close with some family members.

Revisiting threads you've written in when you were in a very different state can be disorienting. Sometimes I'll kinda get over stuff and have to temporarily avoid reading what I've written when I was riled up, and then when I've made enough progress it's comfortable to talk about again.

Making and following through with plans is excellent for getting through stuff. Even when I'm despondent I try to go through those motions because the results can be so good, and the sense of agency is there even if plans don't go perfectly.

Good luck with your surgery.