Dating Sucks

[AnnahM]

I guess I'm venting here, about this, because I'm kind of at the end of my proverbial rope. My last serious relationship ended in 1998. I've dated quite a bit, off-and-on, since then, but most of my dating has occurred in the past 2-3 years. For many years I thought I wanted to date men, so I dated some but most were interested in me (apparently) because I was pre-op. I only dated a couple of women while I was pre-op (SRS in 2004) and post-op I dated a few more, then in the past few years have learned that it's not men I want to be with, rather women. That makes sense, I suppose, since I was always attracted to women anyways.

The problem is, lesbian women just don't want to be with this. When it comes to telling girls about myself, I've tried it all: early on, after a fair bit of time, and everything in between. I've had a good romp with a girl who knew about me even before we met, but she was "searching" for what she wanted, which turned out not to be me. That's all well and good, I'm pretty much a go-with-the-flow kind of person, but after more rejection even after that, it makes giving a sh!t about things really hard. In fact, I'm trying like h*ll to ward off depression about it. Most days I'm alright, just another day, you know? But some times it gets to be too much and it kind of hurts. I know I'm a good person, "worthy" and all that, but I think I'm too different, too much, too far out there, or whatever, for 99.999999% of the populace to want to deal with.

Sometimes I get down and I wish I had never traveled this path in life. Granted, I probably wouldn't even be here right now had I not, but still, it's getting harder to cope with as the days pass. I just turned 48... I am no spring chicken anymore, and I can't help but think, "F**k my life... if I were still the guy I was before all this, I would have no problem finding the right girl." And that pushes me even deeper into the muck.

Anyways... that's all I wanted to say. I'm not necessarily asking for advice. I've heard it all already. Same old sh*t everyone tells you when you feel lonely and down. But if you feel like commiserating, join the party.

[Jessica Merriman]

I am in the same boat. I turn 49 in November and won't be post op for another year after that. I wonder about my future as well, but like you said at least we have one now! 

[Evelyn K]

Oh gawd, this is my 2nd major dysphoria (after kids or the lack thereof).

I've said it before that dating in my middle age as a guy felt like wandering around a pick-n-pull junk yard. And I'm sometimes the junk! I'm sure I'm doing the right thing transitioning because I look so much better, younger and alive. But how far will looks get me as a trangendered 'lez'?

The lesbian community for the most part are accepting, like, as far as the sisterhood is concerned. But for romance and bedroom games? I wonder if I have better odds playing craps.

I hope I'm wrong and my looks trumps any perceived transgendered misgivings.

[Ms Grace]

I wonder if bi sexual people would be more open to dating trans people?

[Cindy]

Love is found when you aren't looking for it.

My man appeared from nowhere. Totally blindsided me

[Jessica Merriman]

I haven't given up Cindy! I would really rather prefer NOT to meet someone until post op I just get real lonely at times. 

[kelly_aus]

Love is found when you aren't looking for it.

My man appeared from nowhere. Totally blindsided me

So, so true, Cindy.. I wasn't looking and suddenly, there was Alison - who, really, had been right under my nose for some time.

[suzifrommd]

Love is found when you aren't looking for it.

My man appeared from nowhere. Totally blindsided me

Yes, but don't you up the odds by looking for it?

Suppose there one in 100 single people who are right for you. If you meet 10 single people, your odds are 1 in 10. But if you meet 50 single people, your odds are 50-50.

[Jess42]

Well no spring chick here either. Or summer one for that matter. I won't say exactly but my age starts with a 4 too.

I really have to agree with Cindy on this one. When you least expect it that is when it happens. I never limit myself to the possibilities though, guy, girl, trans, gay, lesbian or straight. Just whoever captures my heart is what is important.

[Edge]

Love is found when you aren't looking for it.

My man appeared from nowhere. Totally blindsided me

Same with me.

I wonder if bi sexual people would be more open to dating trans people?

I think they're less likely to have a problem with it due to having no problem with whatever parts one has. I have no idea what excuse monosexual people would use for post-op trans people though. (Not meaning to say anything bad about pre-ops and non-ops. Just that the parts excuse is the one I keep hearing. Seems flimsy to me.)

[big kim]

I'm 56 I've left it to late

[ErinWDK]

All you youngins in your 40's and 50's...  Here I am 61 and I really don't know what I am...  If I try to come at dating from either of the binary sides of the question I just plain don't make it.  I am conditioned to prefer women, but straight women find me really lacking in male "performance."  So, I basically don't date.

Fun...


Erin

[amber roskamp]

I am trying out internet dating , and its nice because your just out there right away and if someone is interested then obviously they don't care that you are trans. on there I have noticed that most of the women that are interested are either bisexual or pansexual. maybe u should try it there is no reason to be ashamed

[Kade1985]

Dating sucks for anyone, trust me. It's hit or miss these days. Don't let the glamor of movies and tv shows insist that you can find love with the snap of a finger, because it is a lie in most cases. Some people are lucky. A lot of people spend most of their lives looking for someone.

Let me give you something from my personal experience and life. Ya I'll be 29 next week and that may seem relatively young, and it probably is. But I spent a good chunk of my young adult life pining for... for something. At times I got stupidly desperate and ended up with all the wrong people. Don't think for one second that in order to feel complete in your life or even successful in life means you HAVE to have a partner.

A lesson most people don't understand or even know exists is... You have to learn to love being single. You've got only yourself to worry about and in our situation especially, it's a good lesson to learn. Because in our situation ya... Dating is much more difficult. Either because we don't know when or how to pursue a relationship and what we should tell them and what we shouldn't... Or because other people don't even know where to begin with dating a trans person. We all make it so much more complicated than it needs to be.

But in order to have a strong relationship with someone else... We need to have a strong relationship with ourselves first. Enjoy it while it lasts, and enjoy it when you have someone. Don't let make believe stories, movies, TV shows say the only way you can be happy is with someone else.

I sincerely hope that didn't come off as harsh either

[awilliams1701]

I haven't had a girlfriend since 2001. I actually managed to get a date about 3 or 4 months ago before I accepted myself. I'm not actually sure what happened because we were in contact for over a week afterword. She couldn't make a 2nd date with me during that time because it was easter weekend. We were going to get together the next weekend and then I lost contact for a week. Then she only contacted me after we got tornadoes going past. I felt so unwanted after that. It took a natural disaster to spend a minute to send me a text? sigh....

[amber roskamp]

btw AnnahM looking at your pic you deffinately don't look 48 .

[AnnahM]

Amber - Thanks.
Kade - Movie-style romance, nah, I don't believe in that at all. I'm not delusional, just get lonely now and again, and unfortunately more often than not in recent weeks.

But I am very comfortable being on my own, plus I have the companionship and security of my dog. One dichotomy of my life is that on the one hand, I want to find someone special, but on the other hand I love being on my own and not having to answer to anyone. Since I posted this, for some strange reason I have felt a lot better - and I appreciate everyone's comments and feedback. I know I'm not alone in this and that definitely helps. I'm starting to think that much of the loneliness I feel is related to having no one who can relate. Seems like almost everyone I know is with someone, plus I have only a few trans friends who can honestly understand my situation.

As far as the comments about when you stop looking for it, love finds you... well, yeah, that's kind of true but I have had many times during the past 15 years I've stopped looking, and well, enough said, haha. Today I threw my hands up in resignation though. I'm done looking. I'm going to focus on simplifying my existence and not stressing over things I have no control over. Maybe love will find its way my direction, maybe not. Thanks again!

[Jessica Merriman]

Today I threw my hands up in resignation though. I'm done looking.

Now you did it!! You will be tripping over them now!!

[Evienne]

I'm really sorry to hear your pain. I have heard though that bi people can like trans. In fact I had a bi friend who liked me, but that brings me to another thought.
You see, I've been single all my life so far. I'm only 18, but still at least I can say I never had a lover as a child. But that was completely my choice. And I wouldn't be lying if I said I had to turn down girls before. But I'm perfectly fine being single. Is it because I'm asexual? No. It's because I don't look at the saddened path of being single. I look at the positive path of it. There are benefits to it such as you have more freedom to go where you want, when you want. All decisions get to be answered your way. You can save up more money, and other things. Love exists in more than one way than just in another person. Love floats around, for anyone to pick up. Love is here on this site. If you are around people who who care about you, you are around love. That's how I've survived my life alone. I was never alone. I have many people who love me, and I love them too. I surround myself in it, rather than walking down the path of thinking that I'm a useless person who can't find a lover.
But true, perhaps you do wish to have one specific lover to yourself. And that's perfectly fine and normal. I've had times where I've thought I might want one, and probably one day I'll try to get one. I have life ahead of me waiting. And even if you don't believe it, I do believe that there does exist someone for everyone. I believe if you are persistent in finding that one someone, you can. But you can't do so with a bad attitude. People don't love that kind of thinking. People truly love those who are sweet, caring, kind, and loving to them too. Don't give up. Don't wear yourself out over something like it, because it is possible if you give yourself the right attitude. Live life with a smile. See the love that has always existed around you. One day if you need, you can focus the love on one person, and share it with them. I do believe that with all my heart:)

Ps. You look a lot younger than you say.