Hi all,
So basically I'm feeling like I'm all over the board right now. I have my HRT appointment coming up this Thursday (Aug 1st). Blood has been drawn and labs are being done. If all goes well, I will start HRT this week.
Emotionally I feel like I'm bouncing around a bit. For the most part, it's a mix of being emotionally brain dead meh mixed with anxiety. In periods where I'm not feeling emotionally dead, I feel dysphoria and look forward to starting HRT. But when I'm in that emotional brain dead phase, my dysphoria is lessened. I have been diagnosed with Dysthymia which I think might be affecting some of the dysphoria. I am on Escitalopram for that.
I'm also worrying about being able to pass later on in time. During the emotional meh phases, I don't feel much emotion either positive or negative. Basically feels like I'm there but not completely. Like my emotions and happiness are locked up in a vault. I do feel better about myself in the periods between meh when I'm feeling more feminine. Also feels like my locked up emotions are located in my chest/middle back area between my shoulder blades if that makes any sense.
I suppose I'm rambling on a bit here. Has anyone else felt this way or similar before starting HRT? I'm not entirely sure what to expect since YMMV and all that. I'm hoping HRT will unlock that vault, bring peace of mind and more mind body connection as I bring my body into line with my mental gender. Starting HRT is a big unknown and that does scare me a little. Not knowing if it will work for me or not. I feel it will and my therapist does as well. But I do have that worry about what if it doesn't.
Any advice, support, uplifting stories, etc will help.
Thank you,
~Kamyu