birth name tradition

[Riley Skye]

So I'm fourth generation of my birth name. Being the first born "son" I was named after my dad, grandfather and great grandfather. I was supposed to carry on the tradition and my first son would share the name and be the fifth. Unfortunately I never liked my birth name, never identified with it for so many reasons. Originally and still to this day I wouldn't name a potential son but more importantly I most likely won't have kids. It kinda gets to me a little that I'm disappointing my family by ending the line of said birth name. Even though I don't have an attachment to my family I think I may restart it with my new name if I ever have a kid. Does it seem like a fair thing, especially for my dad, whom I do respect, to at least start a new tradition out of the old?

[DelKay]

my family doesnt have any birth name traditions, other than all the kids names being bible names... >,> we all have normal names, nothing weird like melchizadech or anything lol. i spelt that wrong i think.
i totally get you though. im the first born son too and i just feel like id be disappointing my parents by wanting to transition. i dont want them to feel bad that i was born a boy when i dont really even identify as one. they dont know any better right now but i dont want them to feel like their first child, who just made it to adulthood, is some freak that isnt who they thought he was. i feel like it would be wrong for their sakes to transition in the first place just because of all the confusion and questions and sadness it will cause my family.
anyway enough about my problems. does your family know you want to transition?

[Riley Skye]

my family doesnt have any birth name traditions, other than all the kids names being bible names... >,> we all have normal names, nothing weird like melchizadech or anything lol. i spelt that wrong i think.
i totally get you though. im the first born son too and i just feel like id be disappointing my parents by wanting to transition. i dont want them to feel bad that i was born a boy when i dont really even identify as one. they dont know any better right now but i dont want them to feel like their first child, who just made it to adulthood, is some freak that isnt who they thought he was. i feel like it would be wrong for their sakes to transition in the first place just because of all the confusion and questions and sadness it will cause my family.
anyway enough about my problems. does your family know you want to transition?

I can totally relate and you see the ticker I'm pretty well into my transition lol. I don't feel guilty about transition. I'd rather disappoint my parents and be true to me than preserving a tradition. But it is still tradition and I feel a need to compromise to satisfy my dad because he is now the last living person with it. I feel it is solid but have yet to talk to my dad, who is totally supportive now.

Remember do not feel bad about transitioning. We do it to be true to ourselves, to live a comfortable life. If they truly love you they will accept you, though it takes time to get used to. I personally think society is sexist placing such a lofty position towards first sons but nothing for first daughters anyway. I think we both need to address it with our families.

[DelKay]

I can totally relate and you see the ticker I'm pretty well into my transition lol. I don't feel guilty about transition. I'd rather disappoint my parents and be true to me than preserving a tradition. But it is still tradition and I feel a need to compromise to satisfy my dad because he is now the last living person with it. I feel it is solid but have yet to talk to my dad, who is totally supportive now.

Remember do not feel bad about transitioning. We do it to be true to ourselves, to live a comfortable life. If they truly love you they will accept you, though it takes time to get used to. I personally think society is sexist placing such a lofty position towards first sons but nothing for first daughters anyway. I think we both need to address it with our families.

it makes me so sad inside when people say "If they truly love you they will accept you" i wish that was true but they'll NEVER accept me as being a woman. its against their beliefs and they would never support me or encourage my choices in any way. they would still love me with all their hearts, probably more after hearing because they'd want me to be happy with myself but they'd want me to be happy with what i was born with. i remember a converstaion with them once. we were talking about gay marriage and just stuff about it in general, my mum said that she would never attend one to support them because it conflicts with her beliefs. it sounds so cruel but at the same time i cant bring myself to hate them for thinking that way. anyway this is my biggest obstacle right now and i think it will be for the rest of my life. i dont want to lose my family but things will never be the same if i transition.

oh heh i just noticed the ticker. i saw it on someone elses thing but i wasnt sure what it was or if it was like a screen shot picture. its pretty cool :'3

[Riley Skye]

it makes me so sad inside when people say "If they truly love you they will accept you" i wish that was true but they'll NEVER accept me as being a woman. its against their beliefs and they would never support me or encourage my choices in any way. they would still love me with all their hearts, probably more after hearing because they'd want me to be happy with myself but they'd want me to be happy with what i was born with. i remember a converstaion with them once. we were talking about gay marriage and just stuff about it in general, my mum said that she would never attend one to support them because it conflicts with her beliefs. it sounds so cruel but at the same time i cant bring myself to hate them for thinking that way. anyway this is my biggest obstacle right now and i think it will be for the rest of my life. i dont want to lose my family but things will never be the same if i transition.

oh heh i just noticed the ticker. i saw it on someone elses thing but i wasnt sure what it was or if it was like a screen shot picture. its pretty cool :'3

I totally feel you and tend to be very cynical yet oddly positive. I believe that if you get rejected for being trans then they don't love you plain and simple. I've heard a lot of stories of families coming around to embrace and love their trans relatives and if they don't it is their loss. Gotta do what makes you happy. I was being talked out of transition a lot by my "friends" who were basically my family. In the end I left because after a year they still abused me for everything and they don't deserve me.

I do feel with families there is a lot of pride with the first born sons and it is very sexist, intentional or not. It is such a pressure to live up to and that is where my guilt lands plus mental illness has overwhelmed me and I'm just barely beginning to pick up the pieces.

[Lady_Oracle]

First born as well and given a name that my grandfather had, and it was a pretty sexist upbringing and on top of being exposed to a machismo culture at a very young age, I was terrified of coming out. I wish I could help relieve that pressure for you cause I know what that's like, I'm past a lot of those hurdles that were placed in front of me due to being the first born. Being in good terms with my dad has fixed a lot of things I used to feel guilty abut. 

But yeah I Riley I Think that's a great idea! I might do something similar if I ever have kids.

[Riley Skye]

And it would be the first child I have as my name is gender neutral :3

[Carrie Liz]

I'm an only child, and also the last of my family line. My dad gave me a speech years ago about how I was the last in line, and that it was up to me to carry on the family name. (Also, he asked me if I could name my first daughter after my late grandmother.)

Do I feel guilty for disappointing him? Definitely. But again, there's nothing I could do about it. I didn't ask to have these expectations put on me. And in the end, it's my life, not his.

That's why family members often have such a hard time with transition, is just because they have this big family history built up for you, and they've already written your story in their heads before you've even had a chance to have a say in it. When you're still in diapers, they're already imagining you getting married, having kids, and getting a job, and there's probably a lot of gender cliches wrapped up in that. But I see it as being no different than a parent who's trying to force their kid into the same hobby that they were in, to live out the fantasies that they were never able to. Or forcing them to do something so they can be proud of you doing it. It's ultimately selfish. It's someone else trying to live your life for you.

[kariann330]

Just wondering have you thought about asking them to help you with your new name? I ask because I got my new name from my Dad and former Stepmother. She picked Kari and since my stepmother was more of a mother to me than my biological mother, my dad gave me the middle name Ann because her name is Joanne.

I know you said you aren't close to them, but I noticed that trying to involve them usually takes some of the sting away

[Rose City Rose]

I'll be the last descendant of a prominent family in government cabinets and the FBI to bear their name (as a middle name) until I change my name later this month (already got a date set aside).

I say good riddance to it.  I want nothing to do with them.  In particular I'm ashamed of the underhanded things they did on behalf of the US government throughout the 20th century (like spying on gay celebrities and social reformers under J. Edgar Hoover).

[Auroramarianna]

I'm an only child, and also the last of my family line. My dad gave me a speech years ago about how I was the last in line, and that it was up to me to carry on the family name. (Also, he asked me if I could name my first daughter after my late grandmother.)

Do I feel guilty for disappointing him? Definitely. But again, there's nothing I could do about it. I didn't ask to have these expectations put on me. And in the end, it's my life, not his.

That's why family members often have such a hard time with transition, is just because they have this big family history built up for you, and they've already written your story in their heads before you've even had a chance to have a say in it. When you're still in diapers, they're already imagining you getting married, having kids, and getting a job, and there's probably a lot of gender cliches wrapped up in that. But I see it as being no different than a parent who's trying to force their kid into the same hobby that they were in, to live out the fantasies that they were never able to. Or forcing them to do something so they can be proud of you doing it. It's ultimately selfish. It's someone else trying to live your life for you.

THISTHISTHIS.

OMG, seriously, Carrie, you should be awarded with The Most Insightful Poster ever.

On topic, though. Pressure is horrible. I feel you. It's understandable that they want this tradition to carry over, however, it's your life. They can't expect you to have a son just to respect this tradition. The decision to have kids is yours, and so are the names you will/would give to your children. Traditions aren't made to last forever, they will be broken at some point. Even if you do fulfill their wishes, it has nothing to with THEM, but you. They are not going to live your life. You never asked for this situation, so don't feel guilty for it.

[Riley Skye]

I'm an only child, and also the last of my family line. My dad gave me a speech years ago about how I was the last in line, and that it was up to me to carry on the family name. (Also, he asked me if I could name my first daughter after my late grandmother.)

Do I feel guilty for disappointing him? Definitely. But again, there's nothing I could do about it. I didn't ask to have these expectations put on me. And in the end, it's my life, not his.

That's why family members often have such a hard time with transition, is just because they have this big family history built up for you, and they've already written your story in their heads before you've even had a chance to have a say in it. When you're still in diapers, they're already imagining you getting married, having kids, and getting a job, and there's probably a lot of gender cliches wrapped up in that. But I see it as being no different than a parent who's trying to force their kid into the same hobby that they were in, to live out the fantasies that they were never able to. Or forcing them to do something so they can be proud of you doing it. It's ultimately selfish. It's someone else trying to live your life for you.

I completely agree! Knowing what my parents thoughts about me during transition really makes me question a lot. I would never want to set expectations for my kids other than their mental and physical well being. I'd want my kids to be happy and if that mean forging a completely different path I'll support them. I believe being trans has given me great insight to all of this as I'm sure with everyone here. I can understand having your kids join activities you liked, I'll do the same along with showing them other stuff as well. When it comes to where their life takes them it's up to them but they'll always find love and support here.

Just wondering have you thought about asking them to help you with your new name? I ask because I got my new name from my Dad and former Stepmother. She picked Kari and since my stepmother was more of a mother to me than my biological mother, my dad gave me the middle name Ann because her name is Joanne.

I know you said you aren't close to them, but I noticed that trying to involve them usually takes some of the sting away

No, I never considered it. It's my own life and my name is very personal, even though I'm Riley Skye for some amusing reasons. It is what I like personally and in the future I most likely will drop my current last name to start my own family name, even if it lives and dies with me. I just want to know that I am my own person and that I broke free of all these expectations. There is pride knowing that I changed so much within my family, for good or bad.

[Juliett]

I would never consider disrespecting my children like that. I would want them to be free to be their own person and find their own identity. People who expect their kids to be version 1.2 of themselves just drive me crazy.

[DelKay]

I'm an only child, and also the last of my family line. My dad gave me a speech years ago about how I was the last in line, and that it was up to me to carry on the family name. (Also, he asked me if I could name my first daughter after my late grandmother.)

Do I feel guilty for disappointing him? Definitely. But again, there's nothing I could do about it. I didn't ask to have these expectations put on me. And in the end, it's my life, not his.

That's why family members often have such a hard time with transition, is just because they have this big family history built up for you, and they've already written your story in their heads before you've even had a chance to have a say in it. When you're still in diapers, they're already imagining you getting married, having kids, and getting a job, and there's probably a lot of gender cliches wrapped up in that. But I see it as being no different than a parent who's trying to force their kid into the same hobby that they were in, to live out the fantasies that they were never able to. Or forcing them to do something so they can be proud of you doing it. It's ultimately selfish. It's someone else trying to live your life for you.

very well said :')

[awilliams1701]

While this issue hasn't come up I was named after a soldier who died in Vietnam. I think he was a friend of my dad. I've always been fine with the name and so I'm considering keeping it as a middle name. I'm also the only guy in my family and I don't think I want kids of my own. I'm sure there is some disappointment there as well, but that has nothing to do with transgender other than making it more final. So far my name is the one area that hasn't been an issue, but I can't help but wonder if it will be at some point.