Transition or suicide?

[Kiera85]

Hi all, coming out of lurkerdom to ask you experts for some advice for a confused newbie like myself 

So recently I've been reading a lot of advice on transitioning and watching a lot of youtube videos. One piece of advice I've seen come up more than once is that transition should only be embarked on if you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender - basically that unless it's a choice between transitioning and killing yourself, you shouldn't transition.

I can kinda see the logic behind this - transition carries health risks, loss of fertility, great financial expense, potential loss of friends and family, likelihood of encountering prejudice and discrimination etc. If one's gender dysphoria isn't so strong that it will drive you to suicide, then perhaps it is better to put up with than experience the negativity that comes with transition?

But aren't there also potentially huge positives to transition that may outweigh the negativity? Also is despair the most healthy motivating force to do anything?

I've also seen a slightly different spin on this argument (though this seems to be less common) that unless you feel that you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender, then you're not really transgender. Do you think there's anything to this sentiment?

[Matthew]

It is hard to define exactly what being transgender means, everyone experiences it differently. If you feel transitioning is right for you, go for it, but I would advise taking time to really think about it first as some changes are irreversible. You should talk to a gender therapist, they'll have plenty of advice for you.

Good luck!

[Jera]

You only have one life. Do whatever it takes to be happy with it! Only you can know for sure what exactly that is.

[Jessica Merriman]

But aren't there also potentially huge positives to transition that may outweigh the negativity?

My personal opinion is YES, YES, YES!!!

I have better health all the way around such as mental, physical, etc. I no longer have to hide and live a totally fake life. I was accepted by almost everyone and have ten times more true friends than before. I sleep now which I usually only got an hour or two each night and I wake up refreshed. I eat better and have lost weight. I no longer have Diabetes or PTSD (from my career) on my medical records. YES, there are a ton of positives, at least for me personally. I was a live or die case and I am so glad I chose life. I actually have a positive attitude and no longer see the doom and gloom of the world. I feel 15 to 20 years younger!! 

[Beverly]

So recently I've been reading a lot of advice on transitioning and watching a lot of youtube videos. One piece of advice I've seen come up more than once is that transition should only be embarked on if you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender - basically that unless it's a choice between transitioning and killing yourself, you shouldn't transition.

I think it overstates things. I do not think it has to be a life or death choice but it is for many. Not for all.

But aren't there also potentially huge positives to transition that may outweigh the negativity? Also is despair the most healthy motivating force to do anything?

What you need to understand is that transition is very, very wearing and you need to be mentally strong or very, very desperate to get through it. It can be extremely upsetting and you can lose everything and you face a life afterwards which may not be easy and you never know how YOUR transition will turn out.

In short, transition carries a LOT of risks. It only has ONE benefit - you get to be yourself.

That is it. That is what you have to be prepared to risk everything for. That is what you have to be prepared to lose family, friends, jobs, relationships, careers and homes for. You must be prepared for the complete destruction of everything you hold dear so that you can be yourself. Thankfully, for most of us, transition is not total destruction, but until you transition you cannot know the outcome.

That is why many transitioners say "Never transition unless you have no choice"

[Ltl89]

I don't think having suicidal thoughts makes you more or less trans.  And transitioning is something that is difficult in general, but each person has to way their own pros and cons.  Outcomes will vary greatly between people.  For what it's worth, I really would say all the drama and difficulties I've gone through because of transitioning wouldn't have been worth it if I wasn't feeling so compelled to do this as though this was my only choice (hell, I still don't know how to make it through this stage of life).  But that's me and my own case, it may or may not be the same for you and/or others.

[Valleyrie]

I personally think that it's different for everyone and that you don't need to be suicidal to be deemed transgender. I see it as either living a life full of misery, suicide or to transition. Of course you could put up with it but is that really a life worth living? People transition for different reasons and I see nothing wrong with that as long as it makes them happy, no one should have a say in what someone does or doesn't. There is potential loss with transitioning but that's something for the individual to decide and plus anyone who discriminates and shows ignorance towards you for just being you is worthless and does not deserve you or your time. There are risks to everything in life. I think it is much more commendable and valiant for someone to be their true selves despite the opinions of others.

There are negatives and positives to everything but I personally would never let anyone stop me from being who I am just because they are too blind to be accepting and/or tolerant. Live your life for yourself, not for others; no matter the expense. Motivation is motivation and if that motivation can drive you to do something great disregarding the fact of where it came from then that's all that really matters. Despair isn't healthy but no one asks to be put in that position. I think coming out of despair makes you a stronger person every time and that can lead to wanting to make a change for the better.

Transition isn't something you just go into straight away and can't go back on or change your mind about. There are many things involved beforehand such as therapy and lots of feelings, thought and emotions. There's still time as long as you don't leave it for too long but I think by that time you'd already know what you feel is right. I think it's unfair and unthoughtful of someone to say you're not really transgender if you can't live as how you were born - that can be quite harmful and offensive and can make someone feel invalid. Nothing is ever just black and white and no one should have to conform to gender roles just because of their physicality, everyone should have a right to be themselves whether that fits into a certain category or not.

[Kiera85]

Thanks for all the responses 

I think that's a good point about the mental strain of transition, I worry that I am neither mentally strong enough nor desperate enough for it. In a way I almost envy those with stronger dysphoria than mine which I know must seem very silly! It seems that the sensible decision for me probably is not to transition but that thought makes me pretty miserable. But yeah I probably need to speak to a therapist to get a better idea. The thought of talking about this stuff terrifies me though. I know - I'm a big wuss!

Btw learningtolive, love the avatar. Funny back when I was playing ff8 as a teenager I really identified with Squall in the first half but I always wanted to be more like Rinoa than the more confident guy Squall becomes.

[JulieBlair]

There is more than one way to die.  If I had been given a choice I would not have been born transgender.  If I had grown up in a different time and space I would have transitioned early.  If wishes were fishes I'd own tunatown.

Dysphoria grows over time, If you are a transgendered person, it never gets better.  Most cisgendered people I know have fantasized being the opposite gender, and even desired to be from time to time.  This is different, this is existential.  I tried every strategy I could think of to live happily as the gender I was raised as.  Eventually I began getting closer and closer to psychic, if not physical death.

None of that was necessary.  A good therapist, if I had been honest with them, could and probably would have helped me figure out a path that did not entail almost six decades of behaving poorly and never living fully.  You need not be desperate to get that kind of help.  That you are here, suggests to me that it is worth the conversation.

Jera - "You only have one life. Do whatever it takes to be happy with it! Only you can know for sure what exactly that is."  The thing for me was that I couldn't frame the question clearly enough without help to answer it outside of the filter of societal and personal expectations.

LTL - "(hell, I still don't know how to make it through this stage of life). "  Neither do I, which is why I lean on counseling and the people here.  And I do this without embarrassment or hesitation.

You get to make the choices as to how you live your life.  Like Jessica my life is richer, more alive, and more fulfilling now.  For me transition was the last, best hope at happiness.  To discover that I had to ask for help.

Peace,
Julie

[Kiera85]

Thanks for the response Julie 

Dysphoria grows over time, If you are a transgendered person, it never gets better.  Most cisgendered people I know have fantasized being the opposite gender, and even desired to be from time to time.  This is different, this is existential.

How does one tell the difference between dysphoria and existential fantasy?

A good therapist, if I had been honest with them, could and probably would have helped me figure out a path that did not entail almost six decades of behaving poorly and never living fully.  You need not be desperate to get that kind of help.  That you are here, suggests to me that it is worth the conversation.

Yeah I guess I really need to stop hanging back and speak to a professional - I'm not sure why I find the prospect so daunting.

[JulieBlair]

Thanks for the response Julie  ;DHow does one tell the difference between dysphoria and existential fantasy?Yeah I guess I really need to stop hanging back and speak to a professional - I'm not sure why I find the prospect so daunting.

"How does one tell the difference between dysphoria and existential fantasy?"  Is is persistent over time?  Fantasies come and go dysphoria is a persistent bitch. 

"I'm not sure why I find the prospect so daunting."  For me I didn't really want the answer I knew I was going to get.  I had to wait until the anguish over-road the fear.  I knew the consequences of being trans, I knew the risks.  If I don't ask, I don't have to acknowledge.

The joy of living today makes me weep for the lost time, the lost opportunity.  So it goes - don't follow my example if you can help it. There is nothing so terrifying as the unknown, but nothing so rewarding as an authentic life.

Peace,
j

[Sephirah]

I've also seen a slightly different spin on this argument (though this seems to be less common) that unless you feel that you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender, then you're not really transgender. Do you think there's anything to this sentiment?

No, I don't.

I think that sometimes that's something which some people use to affirm to themselves that they're doing the right thing. In a very scary environment, there will always be folks who look to affirm themselves at the expense of others.

"I am this because you are not."

That's a very unhealthy way to live, in my opinion. It's subjective. Affirming yourself by disregarding someone else will only serve to provide the basis of an endless cycle of comparison whereby nothing will ever be enough.

One of the biggest inspirations here for me is Suzifrommd. She decided to go ahead with transition and become who she feels she is even though she did not feel like it was a choice of "do it or die". She decided that becoming who she feels she is inside was worth the risk, the potential losses, just to become herself. Because it was what she felt was right for her. Because it felt like the right thing to do.

And this, I feel, is the key thing. The decision of the individual. Free from justification. From criteria. If you feel it is right for you... do it. Regardless of what other people do or do not do based on how they see themselves.

This is something that can only come from within the individual themselves. No matter how much literature you peruse, or how much media you consume. The answers must be your own.

[eli77]

I think that's a good point about the mental strain of transition, I worry that I am neither mentally strong enough nor desperate enough for it. In a way I almost envy those with stronger dysphoria than mine which I know must seem very silly! It seems that the sensible decision for me probably is not to transition but that thought makes me pretty miserable. But yeah I probably need to speak to a therapist to get a better idea. The thought of talking about this stuff terrifies me though. I know - I'm a big wuss!

Me too. I spent a lot of time telling myself that I wasn't strong enough to transition. A long enough time that for me, it did get to the suicide or transition thing... and the first time I tried out the first option. I can't really recommend the experience of letting things get that bad. From my perspective we should be working to get people access to the assistance they need long before it reaches a choice that bleak.

That isn't to say I'm all "rah, rah, go transition." There are real costs involved, it can be pretty scary, it can be difficult and draining. But you might find you are tougher than you think, and the monster you've built in your head is bigger than the reality. If it's bad enough to be making you miserable, it's bad enough that you should at least look into your options. To me, transition often seems about harm reduction--will it make your life better or worse than it currently is? That kind of thing.

Best of lucky anyway.

[Kiera85]

Is is persistent over time?  Fantasies come and go dysphoria is a persistent bitch.

Hmm well I've been feeling this way fairly consistently (bar the odd week here or there) for about a year and before that the idea came to me every now and again. And before that it didn't exactly cross my mind that i wanted to be a girl exactly but I was never that comfortable being a typical guy, nor did I ever want to be one.

For me I didn't really want the answer I knew I was going to get.  I had to wait until the anguish over-road the fear.  I knew the consequences of being trans, I knew the risks.  If I don't ask, I don't have to acknowledge.

Interesting.

The joy of living today makes me weep for the lost time, the lost opportunity.  So it goes - don't follow my example if you can help it. There is nothing so terrifying as the unknown, but nothing so rewarding as an authentic life.

Thanks for being so frank with me. I feel I can kinda identify with the lost time thing. It seems every day I'm not making a positive step towards transition is a waste.

That's a very unhealthy way to live, in my opinion. It's subjective. Affirming yourself by disregarding someone else will only serve to provide the basis of an endless cycle of comparison whereby nothing will ever be enough.

Interesting. I think you might be right there.

And this, I feel, is the key thing. The decision of the individual. Free from justification. From criteria. If you feel it is right for you... do it. Regardless of what other people do or do not do based on how they see themselves.

This is something that can only come from within the individual themselves. No matter how much literature you peruse, or how much media you consume. The answers must be your own.

Thanks for this, I do sometimes try way too hard to justify things to myself (not just regards this). And I'm starting to see that way leads madness.

But you might find you are tougher than you think, and the monster you've built in your head is bigger than the reality.

I hope so. I've always been dubious of my own abilities and it's made me quite risk averse.

To me, transition often seems about harm reduction--will it make your life better or worse than it currently is?

Yeah that's how I'd like to view it. Just not sure I know the answer!

Best of lucky anyway.

Thanks Sarah

[JulieBlair]

Kieran,

Be true to yourself and you will be fine, no matter what path you find to follow.  There are many ways to find authenticity, the search is the destination.

Peace,
j

[warmbody28]

in my personal experience transition is fine. you just have to make sure you dont only focus on it. still do things like going out to the movies, doing sports or whatever activities you like to do. and oh yes theirs def positives to transition that out weigh the negatives.

[Jess42]

Really it doesn't or shouldn't be either transition or suicide. It should be about the quality of life and the fact that some people just can't be who they are as a physical gender. Dysphoria can come and go. And the older you get the worst it gets. For me it's always there like a whisper in the ear. About every three or four to even six months it would be crushing and devastating for a day or so and drown everything else out. Then it would go back to being a whisper or a low hum. Now about ever two or three weeks these spells are coming. Eventually if I don't do anything it will become a constant scream. So in one month I am gonna' try to stop fooling myself and take the next step and maybe finish what nature started.

But don't think suicide is just OD'ing or sticking the ol' garden hose in the tailpipe and running it into your cracked window, or eating a bullet. It is also self- destructive behavior and I would say this is probably one of the most common ways all across the board. From depression to anxiety to GiD and other dysphorias to bulimia and anorexia. And unfortunately most people aren't even aware of it until it's too late.

But if you feel trans and you think your life could be better by transitioning and so on, you really need to talk to a gender therapist. But I will say the older you get, the more you are gonna find that you fail and have failed more often than not as your birth gender and the dysphoria may grow into an out of control monster.

[Jill F]

I've also seen a slightly different spin on this argument (though this seems to be less common) that unless you feel that you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender, then you're not really transgender. Do you think there's anything to this sentiment?

I could live on as a guy until I was 43, when the dysphoria became absolutely soul-crushing, but I have been transgender since day one.  There are certainly degrees of dysphoria, and it does get worse as time goes on.

[Kiera85]

Kieran,

Be true to yourself and you will be fine, no matter what path you find to follow.  There are many ways to find authenticity, the search is the destination.

you just have to make sure you dont only focus on it. still do things like going out to the movies, doing sports or whatever activities you like to do

Yeah that's a good point.

But don't think suicide is just OD'ing or sticking the ol' garden hose in the tailpipe and running it into your cracked window, or eating a bullet. It is also self- destructive behavior and I would say this is probably one of the most common ways all across the board. From depression to anxiety to GiD and other dysphorias to bulimia and anorexia. And unfortunately most people aren't even aware of it until it's too late.

Hmm I've never thought of it that way - definitely something to think about!

But I will say the older you get, the more you are gonna find that you fail and have failed more often than not as your birth gender and the dysphoria may grow into an out of control monster.

Yeah I definitely find its been getting stronger and stronger. Whether that's a natural progression or is a symptom of me confronting the feelings more rather than dismissing them, I'm not sure.

I could live on as a guy until I was 43, when the dysphoria became absolutely soul-crushing, but I have been transgender since day one.  There are certainly degrees of dysphoria, and it does get worse as time goes on.

Interesting. I suppose I am being perhaps foolish to think that I will always feel the same in the future as I do now. Although I probably could put up with my dysphoria now, will I still be able to later in life? And if not will I regret not acting on it when I was younger?
Though is it possible for dysphoria to go the other way - reach a peak and then start to fade?

[Jess42]

Hmm I've never thought of it that way - definitely something to think about!

Yeah a lot of people don't think of it that way. But self destructive behavior is basically suicide at a slower rate.