It keeps coming back

[Cin]

Sometimes, I think I can just get on with my life if I stay away from sites such as this and other trans support sites, I try not to let my mind be consumed by thoughts about my gender, or how I feel about myself in my current body or what I'd like to look and feel like some day in the future. It doesn't work, I keep coming back, since it's not that simple. Sometimes I have a good 24 hours where my dysphoria doesn't act up, and I think I'm doing pretty well, and I can get on with my life as I am and find some happiness, but the feeling doesn't last and I'm back to my usual self again. I had dysphoria before I started using sites like these for support and understanding, so If I feel like support sites only make it worse for me, then I'm wrong.

There's an unhappiness inside me, and I don't expect anyone else to understand. I know there are other people here and elsewhere that know I'm what I go through everyday, but I cannot know for sure if my gender dysphoria is the same as yours, since It's only one life I live and I cannot experience life through the eyes of another person, and I can only rely on their descriptions and stories and relate to them.

There is a kind of 'disbelief' within me, I was reading about a transgender artist yesterday and beside were links to other articles about transgender people, and It took me a few minutes for it to sink in that... well... I'm trans too, but I'm in denial, it's like my mind flicks a switch that puts me in denial mode... "is this really happening to me, no way, surely..... No way!?"

I'm certainly not doing enough to help myself about my dysphoria, or just have not been able to. This was just an empty rant, I don't feel like I'm making any kind of progress. I don't blame myself, it's not happening for me right now, I'm kind of at crossroads, I have no option but to worry about my education for now, it does take my mind off and I'm not doing too badly. I don't have the financial resources, backing or the support I need for therapy right now, I need more time, and I certainly see myself being open to all that in the future, just not now. If I work hard for the next two years and graduate, I'd feel a lot more secure to be on my own. I feel like time just isn't going fast enough for me, but then again, I don't want to grow up too soon. Dilemma.

I'm not angry, not really that sad or upset, or depressed right now, I just sort of feel 'stuck'.

[Feather]

Hey Cin!

I've been actively struggling with this stuff.. going back and forth, sometimes feeling okay as a male (exercising, work, or a party) and then later on finding myself dressing up and intensely wishing I was a female.. and feeling hopelessly bad about physical male characteristiscs. I too feel that weird experience of ''Is this really me?''. I hope that one day I can feel more grounded about my identity. It's all very consuming.

We all have different experiences.. I can never relate completely to a story that I read here or elsewhere.. but I can relate to parts, as I can to your experience.

[Abby Claire]

I figured I'd share some of my story since you sound so much like me.

I knew I had these feelings since I was 11, but even then I knew it was taboo and kept it secret. At 18, when I was lonely and depressed I considered transitioning, but told myself I was just depressedand need to experience my life as a man before I ever transition. I went to college for a year, had relationships with girls, and... I was still sad, though I didn't show it.

After that year of college I decided I was going to do it, but I needed to be better financially. So I got a job, met a girl and fell in love. So I put it off and pretended my feelings were just confusion. I spent a year working and found myself getting depressed because it felt like my life had no direction. I didn't want to continue waiting tables so I saved my money and went back to college. Being on my own helped me, but... the feelings never went away. Even when I was in relationships that went on longer my mind drifted to "will that ever happen for me?"

I was VERY close to transitioning two years ago, but the grief I felt from my parents made me go back. I had shoulder length hair that I cut off just to convince them. I threw away my female clothes and told myself I just need to be more manly and I'll find the right girl and be happy.

But recently, I came to a realization. Even if I got everything I want as a man (a wife and loving family in a nice suburban home), I would never feel "whole". I know these feelings will follow me all the way to my 40s and 50s, and at that point it would be totally unfair to let out these emotions to a wife who is supposed to love me and to children who may have trouble understanding. Relying on others to "fix me" is completely selfish and wrong. It's more selfish than transitioning and the man everyone knows and loves disappearing.

Basically, my mind is set on transitioning now. Maybe my feelings will change once I'm further along, but I know in my heart that I have to at least explore this road or the suicidal thoughts will eventually become too much.

I hope that my experience sort of helps you understand your predicament better. Just think about your future. Will you be happy in 10/20 years? Will transition change that?

[Christy]

It's okay to find yourself in denial sometimes. I think all trans people go through it. I know I did. We all have feelings about "Is this the real me?" too I think. I know I was amazed a few days ago when I went out as female and after using the toilet I was standing there washing my hands in the women's room of a fairly large mall when I looked in the mirror and thought "Okay, when did THIS happen? 

I don't think you need HRT to begin to transition either. I plan to go on HRT as soon as I can but in the mean time I am simply being me regardless. Don't let that stop you. On the other hand if you feel you aren't ready to transition right now then wait until you feel comfortable. Don't beat yourself up so much. It's not an easy path.

Feather: If you wish you were female then you ARE female. Men don't wish to be women. I've never heard a man say they want to transition. You are a woman regardless of your body. 

[Feather]

It's okay to find yourself in denial sometimes. I think all trans people go through it. I know I did. We all have feelings about "Is this the real me?" too I think. I know I was amazed a few days ago when I went out as female and after using the toilet I was standing there washing my hands in the women's room of a fairly large mall when I looked in the mirror and thought "Okay, when did THIS happen? 

Haha, this is just lovely and funny at the same time.. 
It must be a beautiful experience to suddenly be aware of finding yourself there. It's exactly those kind of simple experiences that I daydream about.. just doing the normal things.

Feather: If you wish you were female then you ARE female. Men don't wish to be women. I've never heard a man say they want to transition. You are a woman regardless of your body. 

But I can also be stuck inbetween... never knowing what I am or truly feel..

[Christy]

Feather: You may be gender fluid then and that's okay too.

[ImagineKate]

I have always known I was a woman inside and I'm taking steps to become one on the outside.

I've had plenty of denial and questioning. Much of it was forced due to societal pressure, especially since the culture I come from has deep roots of trans phobia and homophobia. You are either straight and cis or you're the butt of everyone's jokes and a societal outcast. I feel that without that pressure and accepting parents I would have been transitioned since my early teens. But such is life, you can only move forward, and not dwell on the past. So onward and upward I go.

You too will find your place and path.

[Cin]

Hey Cin!

I've been actively struggling with this stuff.. going back and forth, sometimes feeling okay as a male (exercising, work, or a party) and then later on finding myself dressing up and intensely wishing I was a female.. and feeling hopelessly bad about physical male characteristiscs. I too feel that weird experience of ''Is this really me?''. I hope that one day I can feel more grounded about my identity. It's all very consuming.

We all have different experiences.. I can never relate completely to a story that I read here or elsewhere.. but I can relate to parts, as I can to your experience.

Hey!

I do struggle myself, but I don't like exercising at all, I fear that I will turn into hulk or something. Every now and then I have this intense need to feel female on the outside, like right now, all I'm doing right now is sighing repeatedly. 

[Cin]

I figured I'd share some of my story since you sound so much like me.

I knew I had these feelings since I was 11, but even then I knew it was taboo and kept it secret. At 18, when I was lonely and depressed I considered transitioning, but told myself I was just depressedand need to experience my life as a man before I ever transition. I went to college for a year, had relationships with girls, and... I was still sad, though I didn't show it.

After that year of college I decided I was going to do it, but I needed to be better financially. So I got a job, met a girl and fell in love. So I put it off and pretended my feelings were just confusion. I spent a year working and found myself getting depressed because it felt like my life had no direction. I didn't want to continue waiting tables so I saved my money and went back to college. Being on my own helped me, but... the feelings never went away. Even when I was in relationships that went on longer my mind drifted to "will that ever happen for me?"

I was VERY close to transitioning two years ago, but the grief I felt from my parents made me go back. I had shoulder length hair that I cut off just to convince them. I threw away my female clothes and told myself I just need to be more manly and I'll find the right girl and be happy.

But recently, I came to a realization. Even if I got everything I want as a man (a wife and loving family in a nice suburban home), I would never feel "whole". I know these feelings will follow me all the way to my 40s and 50s, and at that point it would be totally unfair to let out these emotions to a wife who is supposed to love me and to children who may have trouble understanding. Relying on others to "fix me" is completely selfish and wrong. It's more selfish than transitioning and the man everyone knows and loves disappearing.

Basically, my mind is set on transitioning now. Maybe my feelings will change once I'm further along, but I know in my heart that I have to at least explore this road or the suicidal thoughts will eventually become too much.

I just don't think about family or settling down or that kind of stuff, those thoughts just never occur to me, I don't know why, but it's making it a little easier for me, I guess. One less thing to worry about.

The bolded part in your post, I've done that SO many times, It just never works, and I think I say that to myself every day. I saw a happy young couple walking by and I thought, 'well, I wonder if I have any chance of that happening unless I live a lie'

I hope that my experience sort of helps you understand your predicament better. Just think about your future. Will you be happy in 10/20 years? Will transition change that?

I don't know to be honest, I'm depressed, and my GD is a big reason for it, but I have other reasons for my depression too, these reasons don't involve me or my well being or my happiness. I wonder if I will ever find some peace.

[Cin]

It's okay to find yourself in denial sometimes. I think all trans people go through it. I know I did. We all have feelings about "Is this the real me?" too I think. I know I was amazed a few days ago when I went out as female and after using the toilet I was standing there washing my hands in the women's room of a fairly large mall when I looked in the mirror and thought "Okay, when did THIS happen? 

I don't think you need HRT to begin to transition either. I plan to go on HRT as soon as I can but in the mean time I am simply being me regardless. Don't let that stop you. On the other hand if you feel you aren't ready to transition right now then wait until you feel comfortable. Don't beat yourself up so much. It's not an easy path.

Feather: If you wish you were female then you ARE female. Men don't wish to be women. I've never heard a man say they want to transition. You are a woman regardless of your body. 

I sort of think that my 'transition' started two years ago, when I joined sites like this one, I knew I had some kind of 'gender confusion', but not until I was 17 did I realize that I should be looking for support, comfort, and other people to relate to. I did learn so much about gender identity, don't think I would've spent so much time learning about it if I were just Cis, so there is that.

I wish I could have what I want right now, but I hope things fall into place soon. Wow, just thinking about what I'd have to do, all the comings out to family, talking to gender therapists and stuff, just makes my head explode.

I don't think I've ever been able to express how I feel inside without a little bit of 'holding back'. I don't think I've ever been able to open up to someone and tell them I sort of feel like a girl, I'm more comfortable just using words like 'gender identity' or dysphoria because it doesn't really give away too much. I have never been able to set my gender to "F", maybe because it will make me feel even worse about myself when I get offline.

[Cin]

I have always known I was a woman inside and I'm taking steps to become one on the outside.

Maybe I do too, but I don't feel very comfortable saying it, when I tell people how I feel inside, and I see what I look like on the outside, they just don't match, and it makes me feel worse about myself. On the internet, I can be anyone, but I can't escape my body even I'm online.

I've had plenty of denial and questioning. Much of it was forced due to societal pressure, especially since the culture I come from has deep roots of trans phobia and homophobia. You are either straight and cis or you're the butt of everyone's jokes and a societal outcast. I feel that without that pressure and accepting parents I would have been transitioned since my early teens. But such is life, you can only move forward, and not dwell on the past. So onward and upward I go.

You too will find your place and path.

For a second there, I thought I typed that whole bolded part myself I can relate to everything you said. I know what it feels like to be from a culture with deep rooted phobias when it comes to people they see as 'different'.

Hopefully, thank you.

[Abby Claire]

I don't know to be honest, I'm depressed, and my GD is a big reason for it, but I have other reasons for my depression too, these reasons don't involve me or my well being or my happiness. I wonder if I will ever find some peace.

Before I finally accepted myself as transgender, the one question I asked myself was, "Do these thoughts fuel my depression or does my depression create these thoughts?" For me, this wouldn't have been consistent through every point in my life, high and low. I didn't do things like crossdress for Halloween because I was depressed. I was actually in one of my better places at that time. When I was on a weekend trip with my gf and I got depressed, it wasn't because I wasn't having fun, it was because deep down it felt like a lie to me (even when I tried very hard to convince myself it was what I wanted).

Most trans people will tell you it's not easy to admit that you're trans. Even my first group meeting I was nervous as hell, my leg bouncing up and down and my heart pounding. Opening up and admiting my feelings has been the greatest breakthrough in my life. I have actually been *shock* happy! I can't wait to get back to group, I can't wait for therapy, and I am 100% certain now about hrt. We all know how hard it is to open up about this to others. But I'm certain almost all trans people will admit to a tremendous weight being lifted when you open up.

Find the right time to open up and in the meantime find a therapist or help group. I swear it will change everything. However, don't open up to family yet. I learned that the hard way. 

[Feather]

Hey!
I do struggle myself, but I don't like exercising at all, I fear that I will turn into hulk or something. Every now and then I have this intense need to feel female on the outside, like right now, all I'm doing right now is sighing repeatedly. 

I practice taekwondo. Not much chance of turning into a Hulk I think. My arms have 0 chance of getting strong anyway =P. And it's more about leg power and I don't mind that.
I know that feeling to feel female on the outside.. I experience that desire every day.. but most of the times I feel it's all pretty darn hopeless.

I'm taking small steps though.. talking with a therapist about it, trying to meet TG people offline, buying more female clothes, letting my eyebrows done. Each little step I take does make me feel a little better so it's worth it. 

[ImagineKate]

I exercise 45 minutes a day, aerobic exercise with machines (elliptical, bike, treadmill). It hasn't turned me into hulk. If anything it has enhanced my figure. I started doing it to fight my diabetes and high blood pressure. It has worked out extremely well so far.

There are also ways to exercise that target the right muscles.

[ImagineKate]

Maybe I do too, but I don't feel very comfortable saying it, when I tell people how I feel inside, and I see what I look like on the outside, they just don't match, and it makes me feel worse about myself. On the internet, I can be anyone, but I can't escape my body even I'm online.

Oh I knew. I used to escape to my imagination every opportunity I got. I crossdressed every opportunity I got, taking bold risks to do so. What made it hard was that I lived with my dad and my mom had left. So we had no clothes in the house!

I never fully understood the condition until the internet explained all. I must have browsed TS successes and TS Roadmap a billion times and finally landed up here at Susan's where I read and lurked from a long time. But I did know a few trans people here in the states and I knew of one in my old country. Problem is that I really don't want to ask them about being trans since some are ashamed of their past and none of my trans friends has actually come out to me. I just know, I was told and I also figured it out. However, one of them passes pretty well visually but really doesn't make any effort to speak with a female voice. She's a college professor and I have no idea how she goes about her daily life. Maybe she just says, "screw it, I am me, deal with it" and goes on with her life.

[johnqpub14]

When I was 8 or so I tried pretending I was one of the girls at school. That was quickly killed off by my family and I have spent numerous years being the alpha male with a wife a two kids. I am just now getting to the point where I am starting to realize that my CONSTANT depression which has not been cured by medication may be due to an identity issue. I'm just starting hormones on the sly and will see what happens. Trust me YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[ImagineKate]

Well my parents sent me to all boys schools so I couldn't really present as a girl there. Plus we had uniforms and stuff at all of our schools in my country. They really locked me down good, lol...

[Ms Grace]

Sadly they don't call it gender dysphoria for nothing. As the saying goes, you can run but you cannot hide. I spent 20 years in denial after I killed off my first attempt at transition, each year I became increasingly miserable. In my mind (never aloud) I would deride the idea of being trans. Never attempted to cross dress. Told myself it was never going to happen. So yeah, I tried my own form of avoidance...hated myself and everything as a result.

Are you seeing a gender therapist Cin? Might be worth chatting to one. Doesn't mean you have to transition or anything, but it will hopefully help you get your bearings.

Well my parents sent me to all boys schools so I couldn't really present as a girl there. Plus we had uniforms and stuff at all of our schools in my country. They really locked me down good, lol...

Same here.

[Allyda]

Hi Cin,

You have gotten some great answers here. But I would like to add that the dysphoria will never go away and will only get worse. Even if you could somehow find a way to keep it under control for a while, it will eventually burst through your defenses and bring you into a depression that can lead to some awful places. So I second Ms. Grace's recommendation you see a gender therapist, or at least a therapist who has some experience in gender related issues. You'll be doing yourself a great favor and saving a potential future SO much heartache if you do.

Best wishes.

Ally

[Cin]

I practice taekwondo. Not much chance of turning into a Hulk I think. My arms have 0 chance of getting strong anyway =P. And it's more about leg power and I don't mind that.
I know that feeling to feel female on the outside.. I experience that desire every day.. but most of the times I feel it's all pretty darn hopeless.

I'm taking small steps though.. talking with a therapist about it, trying to meet TG people offline, buying more female clothes, letting my eyebrows done. Each little step I take does make me feel a little better so it's worth it. 

oh, how I want to be able to do all that. I can't do all that right now. I have to wait. I can only imagine, and I imagine it must feel really good to be doing all that.