Hi i m writing this , its because at some point i started interesting myself into spirituality , and then reading stuff concerning the subject about this on internet , and whenever i would read things concerning the topic of sex / gender i felt like most a lot of the theories and practice and idea regarding my condition were making me feel like i was ignored or not taken into account into theses things , as if all theses things i wasnt part of , like some would talk of the male or the female on the spiritual level like talking from the body assuming the soul is that way or that way depending on the identification from the body and they made me feel that believing myself "female" from other than the body was invalid or really not taken into account , or there was spiritual practice like for the female or for the male again and some where in rapport with the body and i kinda felt like i was throw of theses ones for not having the body i feel would be right , like some stuff like tantric sex , since i havent had surgery its like i couldnt feel like this could be adressed to me , it at some point ended up making me feel like i was spiritually an outcast or disabled in some ways because of this condition , and also the views on the body werent quite adequate for me , like that there is no reason i should dislike or hate my body while i do because of it being the wrong sex like it was bad in their ideas to have "negative" feelings about the body.
Another thing was when i went on a website forums that was kinda about spirituality , where they all made seems like they were so good and loving peoples or very spiritualy wise , and i at first didnt talk of theses issues , i just registered under a fem name , and i kinda just wanted be my soul there ( in a way spirituality had started interesting me cause i tough in my soul i m not "trans" or something like that) , some peoples even came to apprecite me , but a while after i kinda told of my situation openly , to talk of the issues and anxiety and all sorts of thing regarding this situation , to talk of my suffering or pain , but it was not received very good , peoples didnt talk to me anymore the sameway , it felt like some were even upset at me as if i had duped them because i didnt tell straight away or that some others felt they needed to " heal" me for how i felt or believing myself a girl , like all of sudden i had become an aberation or a monster to them . It extremely disturbed me because i higly tough of them , and if i yad open up was because i felt they could understand of the issue of being born with a body that feels wrong , some would tell me to feel content with how i am rather than try to change , qnd it disturbed me at first not because of how they reacted but because i tough what if their right but it was like supporting the idea that i m mentally ill or spiritually ill or unclean for being this way ,to not feel like i was born with the right body for me , it ended up making le feel like the universe was disagreeing with me or that the truth behind me is that i have been struck by a spiritual insanity or something , but later i realized that it might be their spirituals concept about sex , or how to feel about the body of incarnation , that was made from a cis point of view and that its maybe and probably why i have been so felt rejected after i told , because my existence was a conflict with their spirituals conceptions and beliefs and practices , but it has made for me an extremy disturbing experience in a way , wich i still try to recover from.
