Hehehe...this is what I would do if I were CEO...most of it is probably nasty yes, but you know you want to rule the world....
NEW CORPORATE POLICIES ENACTED BY CEO AERYA (last name unknown)
1. Effective this Friday all employees must divorce and remarry each other to save the company money on benefits and 401ks.
2. I will have a new compensation package. My new salary will be $1,939,490,201 annually (US dollars or gold bullion) and my benefits package includes my own private jet to Bermuda, eating out in the best restaurants in NYC with the Hollywood elite, and a private compound to hide out in.
3. I will hire someone, preferably someone with a BA in Culinary Preperation Sciences (although Hamburger U will do) to fetch me Coke and Pepsi, and to kiss my butt.
4. If you work at the front desk, at 3:30 pm every day you must jump into the giant aquarium for ten minutes and swin around and act like a jerk.
5. The new keycards are sewn into your pants. You must back up into the scanner and if you punch in your number wrong or have the wrong keycard, your butt gets stuck and security has to remove you!
6. If you have more than 2 deductions on your W-2 (for those who have one), you must stick bowling balls into your pants and yell "UGGA BUGGA" at 1:49 pm every Thursday.
7. The bathrooms will undergo a major renovation. All of the stalls and doors will be removed, and there will be green and yellow tiles put in. Cameras may apply here too depending on department. (New Homeland Security rules are the reason)
8. The cafeteria has a new meal plan. YOu can choose from the following foods: barbequed pumpkin, ketchup ice cream, Kung Pao Cheesecake, sweer and sour gravel, beer battered rabbit, gym sock fajitas, cream of mushroom brownies, or filtered toilet water.
9. SInce Peak Oil is real, all forms of vehicular travel are banned for employees. Your new transportation is tricycles since they don't give off carbon monoxide and they have funky horns on them. (Top management is exempt, I get an Apache gunship that I land on the roof of the corporate office)
10. The new dress code for marketing is you must paint your face green and your pants must not fit right. Also, you must glue a coffee cup to your hand and your tie must curl up like Dilbert's.
11. The New dress code for R and D is you must wear an orange catsuit with pink poka dots and stupid green elf shoes. Also, you must write all over your face with crayons.
12. Employee cubicles will be multifunction stations from now on. All employees will have a grill and a trashcan inside thier cubicle, and a garden hose to hose off their workstation.
13. Your computer has new Microsoft VEESTA on it. If you open up a BMP file or Microsoft Excel, your computer will troll for dirty websites (bad ones, not the good ones)
14. Evil pickles are forbidden. Any employee caught with pickles in thier possession will automatically be beamed to Pluto where they will spend the rest of thier lives mining trilithium for the Klingons
15. A dead fish will be placed into most employee's cubicles. This is a work assistant that will help with team morale (you smack your co-worker with it)
16. If you are late to work, we stick you into Howard Stern's Tickle Chair. We tickle you until you explode!
17. Weapons and firearms are banned with the following exceptions: Happy Meal Toys, dead fish, bouncy balls, rubber duckies, fireworks, wooden spoons (not metal), squirt guns, cheese slices, whoopie cushions, pictures of George Bush, wigs, or plastic silverware. YOu must obtain a permit from Security to have these (costs $25 yearly). Break this rule, and you go into the Tickle Chair!
18. If you are ill with the flu, we do have an onsite physician available. He/she will use a plunger to help you if you have the flu. If you have a headache or are pulling our leg, the physician will pimp smack you with a roll of Wonder Bread.
19. The new dress code for hourly employees consists of gas mask for facial protection, roller skates to help move you faster, pregger bellies since we need to replace the people who get beat up here, and pink school girl uniforms for team morale.
20. If you come to work stinky, we force feed helium into you by garden hose and use you as a promotional blimp!
21. If you stare at the mirror in the bathroom for more than 20 seconds, a fountain of water will blast out under you and launch you through the roof! (New Homeland Security rules here too)
22. If you are in Accounting, you must put a salad bowl on your head and squirt mustard into your shoes before putting them on. Also, you must stick your hands into peanut butter jars and type that way!
23. Anyone disputing these rules will be sent to the island of Los Angeles, the penal colony for people unable to live in the new "moral" America.
Snake Plissken will be with you, don't worry.
24. The only channel available will be a cross between Walmart TV and LOGO.
Bwa haha....this is stupid granted, but I've always wanted to do this on the job...
