Wow, where to begin.
I remember there were so many feelings rushing in on me all at once. I remember feeling like I couldn't catch my breath. My mind would not shut down to rest even. I couldn't concentrate on work or anything else for that matter. I had so many questions. I could see feel the hurt Leah must have felt for so many years, just from telling me this deeply kept secret.
I remember that (at that point he was still very much He). I ask more questions telling him "I didn't understand why I wasn't enough to make him want to be a man anymore." Or was it he was just tired of the role of being in charge of most things in our lives. (I don't mean to imply that he was dominating at all. We talked over all situations and then he made the final decision on where needed.) Leah said neither were the other 4 women he had married and divorced. He told me he didn't want to divorce me he and that he would wish he never to have told me if a divorce was what I would want. At first I wondered where this sort of thing was going to take our marriage. I love Leah and those arms that had always felt so good around me still felt the same, maybe more intense, as he would hold me telling me none of this would change how he felt about me. They were so warm and just what I needed more than the words accompanying them. I could feel all those word through his touch. You see Leah is very attractive and very fun and very intelligent and capable person. Leah can do anything especially if others say it can't be done. She is and always has been a considerate and compassionate responsive partner.
Some have commented after reading our intros, "I can't imagine 25 years later finding out your partner wants to be female, Or being married for 25 years for that matter." To the first part of that statement yes each relationship would be different. This making the circumstances as to where it goes from that point on very different too. I think the shock of a statement like that from your partner would have the same impact no matter the time frame the relationship had lasted. Not having a clue can be very UN nerving. It's the thinking you knew someone so well and how could you be so insensitive to something as important as all this. To this I say, from everything a person experiences they learn to act and react concealing things they don't want to show so as not to be hurt by others again. Some really deserve Oscars! For the second part, When I married I remember the minister saying, " for better or worse, richer or pourer, in sickness and health till death do you part." I didn't intend to live a short life. The rest of my life was what I was planning on so 25 years still seam so few to me. We are still the newly weds you see around when you're out and about. We ride in her truck sitting next to each other. We hold hands as we walk from the vehicle into where we are going. We sit next to each other bodies touching watching TV or visiting at some ones home. I still get to eat the curl off the top of the ice cream cone we share. We share out of the same drink. Leah still opens the doors for me (when I position myself so it not awkward) and carries packages for me. In our home she cooks too and she does the dishes sometimes and washes a load of cloths. She sweeps and mops floors too. She always has treated me as an equal and I her. Leah puts up with my dust catcher as she calls them and I put up with all the find merchandise that follows her home and is cluttering the drive way and yard. It's a trade off. We choose what is most important to us and let the rest go. That's what makes it easy to be married. We still feel each other's dreams and desires are important and share them eagerly. We work to help them come to being. We are interested in each others likes and dislikes simply because we are concerned about one another with the same flame and intensity as when we first knew we could not be apart and needed to be married. We ask what the other has planned for the day because we love being with each other and want to plan for the sneak meeting we can grab out of our busy days. If the other doesn't have plans or they get changed and it's possible we hang out with the other riding along savoring each moment that's our together. You know the neat part? We want it this way. It's not fake or a put on. It's natural to us. Even through everything and after finding out Leah's desire to be female those parts are there.
I should rephrase that. Leah only wants the female body. She is not interested in dressing or being with a male. She is not interested in doing the make up. She wants to do something with her hair to make her not look so out of place when her body is finally reshape and takes on the more female form.
Growing up my grandmother said "Ask yourself, will I still care about this next week, next month, next year how about five years from now. Will it make that much difference?" I think I would be lost with my other have. When I hear someone we know is getting married, I give them the Children's books "The missing Piece" and "The Precious Present" and "The Giving Tree". These books are all by the same author Shell Silverstein. They are great. We have read them over at different stages of our married life and find something new in them each time that makes our lives relative and have more meaning that w reflect on from the outlook presented in those books.
I'll add more for now need to fix lunch. Later I'll add what things we do different now that Leah has chosen this path. The things I help her out with.
Hope some of this helps.
Peggiann
